Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

To be fair I don’t think it’s always necessarily that they were hidden and then suddenly revealed post-baby, it’s just that the same behaviours that are mildly irritating or annoying when you’re just two adults start to feel like really a big deal when you have the extra responsibilities/stress/tiredness that a child brings.

I don’t think your marriage is over. It’s a tricky patch. My husband was similar, he was shit for a few years and then realise how unequal our lives were and he’s got a bit better. Not perfect but more aware and helpful

I think that's unfair, his true colors were hidden and not revealed until the baby came along.

Well done for standing up to him.
And I agree with other posters, not a baby problem, it's a hubby problem. He's being a dick.

When it comes to a partner who is adding to your problems and chores and making the resentment go sky high, it really is time to consider your options.

I don't think you've been naive about motherhood rather you have been naive about men. Many of them react badly if women have anything over them. You're the higher owner, in his mind that means that you outrank him and he can't cope with it. That's why he's being unpleasant and leaving you to do all the menial tasks.
He is despicable.
If this were me I think I might have one serious talk with him where calmly outline how I feel. If he doesn't engage I would privately make a solid plan to get rid.

This is a DH problem, not a motherhood problem, but it is very common for a baby to change the dynamic and expose what is actually a bad, and unfortunately sometimes, abusive relationship.

When I look back at my marriage, i can see that the signs were there, but it took a baby to truly show what my ex was like. I stuck it out until the dcs were older teens, but I nearly left when ds1 was 17 months old.

And, yes, my ex would "treat" ne by cooking, then leave me with a terrible mess to clean the next day, and then criticise me for either not cleaning, or for daring to moan about it.

Knowing what I know now, in your position, I'd leave now.

I agree with you regarding motherhood, I'm not sure I was "naive" because I saw how much work it was for my siblings, but the reality is much much harder than the theory.

But your real issue here is your husband. I have maybe 25% of the issues you have with yours, and I'm already resentful at times. But at least mine understands the issue and really tries.
I feel like you would be so much better off on your own (with your child)...

All people are naive about how motherhood will be. And none of us listen to those who try and tell us. You can’t ever understand how something will be unless you’re done it.
But I agree with everyone else. Motherhood and your lovely son are not your problem here. Your husband is. I think your marriage is over.

You sound like you are completely over him and his useless ways. If you split you’d probably feel a lot more positive about everything.

This!!! He calls you names!? Get out of there.

Agree with others, it’s not motherhood that is the problem, it’s your husband.

Having babies didn't impact my domestic load much because we'd already shared it equally before. If you have different standards of cleaning that probably hasn't changed since before you had the baby. Point out to him that if he really wanted to give you a nice treat for Valentine's day he should have got a takeaway like you suggested, since that's what you actually wanted, otherwise he's just imposing what he wants on you and inconveniencing you with the consequences. He should be apologising profusely not calling you a nag.

How the fuck does grease go everywhere like that! Get him some cooking lessons for his birthday.

Your husband sounds like a wanker.

I'm just intrigued as to what he's cooked that has led to everything being covered i grease and tracked it throughout the house????

You say he’s been a disappointment in general. In what ways? Beyond the Valentine’s Day fiasco, what does your time and his time look like?

how little DH would have to do

Who decided this?

I was a single parent when my eldest was bor (long story and not my choice). It was blissful. I loved it, tbh.

I only had him and myself to think about. No man causing problems. And it's far easier to do everything when there's only you there to do it.

Far easier and less frustrating than watching a useless waste off space make your life harder.

You made a poor choice of man to have a baby with I’m afraid. You’re not alone with that.

It's quite impressive that the entire downstairs is covered in grease, I mean how did he even manage that?

I was absolutely naive and had a romanticised version of it. I got some home truths from colleagues that I grilled about it when ttc but I never read a word about it because I didn't want to know too much. Other than need to know newborn stuff. I am forever grateful I was naive because I got to have the most exciting and happy pregnancy despite not always feeling the best. The other issue is that my ds was an incredibly difficult baby and I think no matter what I knew or didn't know, it was very tough. It wasn't just a phase either, we had behaviour problems all along the way. To say it took its toll on our relationship is a massive understatement. But we struggled along and now have 3 teens and we are getting our lives back bit by bit. There are still things I massively resent about dh and things he should have done better, especially practical things. But looking at the bigger picture he has been a good father to our DC.

OP talk to your dh about this, offering to cook and leaving a mess is not ok unless you agreed, because that's a 50/50 workload. He needs to understand this. If it's your turn to cook then leave clean up for him if that's the system he wants. Start ordering take aways if he doesn't do his share. If he isn't pulling his weight then pay for a cleaner, hit him in his pocket. Keep track of all the jobs that you do and ask him to do the same and see how it's split.

Every mother feels they do more and too much and they are usually right. You have to fight back, someone once told me that a new mother has to raise her baby and train her partner and I found it patronising towards men then but believe it to be true. If you keep doing it all he will let you so you need to keep pushing back and yes it's exhausting.

Also bear in mind you are at a very difficult age so try not to think too far ahead, it changes all the time and gets easier but also you will both get better at it.

Do you have very high cleaning standards? It’s not great that the dishes weren’t washed up, but maybe you could have washed up together as your DH cooked. Not being able to sleep over it suggests to me that maybe you have an issue?

I think this sort of behaviour is why there is a huge rise in the number of one child families now. Baby comes along and one partner is so unhelpful while the other parter gets to do 90% of parenting plus hold down a full time job. We don't really notice unhelpful partners before kids come along but we certainly notice them afterwards as we are carrying them.