Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

A lot of men like the idea of being a dad. Maybe they think it will increase their "macho" cred. Perhaps they want to continue their blood line or they have romantic ideas about producing a famous footballer. Or maybe other blokes at the office have just reproduced and they feel they're missing out on something. But they really, really don't like the hard reality. A lot of women are unprepared for the reality too but most respond to their children's needs above their own no matter what. Men not so much.

If he cooked why is he doing the dishes?
If its not your job then why didn't you do them together, have pudding and pop upstairs for a pleasant moment or 2 ?

Yes, she made a choice by having a child with this man, but she could not predict how he would turn out to be as a father.

It's a risk that people take.

You have two options:

Manage your DH like you would a child, try and get over the huge disappointment that he is a poor father,
but still get to spend time with your child and enjoy his childhood, or

Leave your DH and accept that you will not see your child all the time.

I don't know if yabu or not. It's pretty poor that he didn't do the washing up when he'd specifically promised he would. Sounds like he wants a medal for cooking a meal.

I waited until I was in my 40s to have my ds. By then I knew most men are lazy and disappointing. I still tried my hardest to find a good dad for my child, someone I trusted and respected. He was great until ds was born, then morphed in to everything I'd sought to avoid. Sometimes you just can't win.

I've raised ds on my own since he was two. We have a lovely life. I don't struggle and have loved raising him (now 17yo).

i wouldn't have wanted to be a mum much younger. I wouldn't have been resourceful and confident enough to do a good job on my own.

Do you think he's just being incompetent? Because it sounds like he's purposely choosing to cook in a way that he knows will cause you distress. I think he's gaslighting you.

I don't think he should get a reward for being a dickhead

This. I’m sorry you are realising the hard way that your partner is a loser op. Maybe time to really think through your options.

I think everyone underestimates how hard it will be to have a baby. The key thing is whether you and your partner are able to step up to the challenge. He obviously isn't

That’s the thing op. You made a choice with this man but that doesn’t mean you have to stick to it and make better ones. You don’t have to accept that life is like this. What’s stopping you from leaving him? Is it your house?

There are men who want to be fathers because they want to be parents, i.e do a fair and equal share of the work involved in raising a child.
And then there are men who want to be parents because it raises their status in the eyes of other men and makes it easier for them to dominate and subjugate their female partner.

@SoSadandTired7 But surely he was just the same before the baby? Having a baby wouldn't cause him to splatter the house in grease and not wash up. He must've always done that. Did he actually want a baby?

Omg I can’t believe people are suggesting you leave your husband because of what he said /did !Issues occur in all relationships and it’s part of life. You have to work through this to become stronger as a couple - of course you both have to want to. You have a child together so try and communicate and work together. This is a different chapter in your lives and one of you will find it harder to adjust to

Posters are right, this isn’t about motherhood, it’s about marriage. Workload increases when you decide to have a family, and it needs to be split amicably or leads to resentment.

In your shoes this morning would’ve been a morning I would’ve gotten myself and little one up, looked at the mess and headed out, leaving him to it! Be really clear, and if it causes an argument, get your ducks etc. What a plonker.

My ex was another useless man who got really horrible after our baby was born. I wasn't brave enough to get rid then. It took many years before I finally divorced him. I agree with PP... it is hard to work up to it, but I would really consider splitting with this useless, stroppy and lazy lump.

You say it hits your pocket. What happens if you tell him he needs to start paying for a cleaner because he’s no doing his half of the work and you’re sick of doing it or paying to cover him?

This is not about motherhood. Honestly.

My Ex would get fat everywhere when frying steak. It's absolutely a thing.

He’s making your life harder than it needs to be

Ditch him and get a nanny

This. Your problem is with your DH. Only he can solve this and if he doesn’t you need to decide whether you want to stick around for it.

Some men want children others actually want to be a father. There’s a difference. I’m not surprised you resent him. Your life is has been tipped upside down and he still thinks he can carry on as he was.

If it’s true then YANBU but never had grease get all over the floor after cooking.

I wasn’t shocked by motherhood. I knew it was going to be hard. Perhaps more upset than I expected the effect on my body.

I was shocked by how my ex changed. Absolutely vile abusive man. Years later I have a child with someone new and he turns lazy and useless the second I’m pregnant. It’s a repeating story on here men changing when a baby arrives. I think lots of just judge these women having babies with poor choice men…. Until we realise these men can act great for years and years (8years in my case) then fatherhood turns them into sexist lazy fucks out the blue. It’s not a motherhood thing though it’s a fatherhood/lazy man thing