Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

When stress levels are at 80% 80% of the time all it takes is a small amount of stress to put you up to 100%!

Go easy on yourselves and try your hardest not to sweat the small things; in the grand scheme of things they don't matter.

Sorry i killed the thread

I left when my child was 1.5. My ex was more interested in the house I owned and going to the gym. He shacked up with someone else with a house surprise there and sees his child 1 in 6 weekends and 2 nights a week.

^

Every mother ever

I suggest that you are the exception rather than the norm

When you’re pregnant people throw advice your way and you roll your eyes and don’t want to listen because you’ll make your own mind up and have your own ideals. Except they’re often right to be honest and your ideals go out of the window once you’re in the throes of parenting.

No guide book or antenatal/parenting class can prepare you. You don’t know how you’ll cope or react to stressful situations until you’re thrown into them. It’s sink or swim really. When my DC were very small I was on pilot mode every single day. I’ll be honest, I barely even remember it.

I was prepared for motherhood to be very difficult. My sister and friends had really struggled and I read books about parenting that painted a harsh picture.

i think being prepared for the worst was a good thing because I found the reality of a new baby much easier than expected.

The transition is definitely a shock. I had a rough time with the house mess too, and it’s exhausting when you feel like the only one seeing the grease and the dishes. You aren't being ungrateful for wanting a clean space.

Hope you're ok op.

Sounds like it's more an issue with your DP than motherhood. I did enjoy the baby years, but I was naive to think I could go back to working full time once they started school - DS is SEND and 15, I still can't work full time as I'm caring for him, and I miss it

It's not a man thing, it's a selfish, self centred, self absorbed thing
@DuracellbunnyAPlus the traits that you describe, whilst not exclusive to men are more common in men.
Women are capable of bad behaviour but men (broadly speaking) are given greater license to perpetrate bad behaviour.
Perhaps we could say that it's not a man thing, it's a dominance thing, and men (generally speaking) still hold sway.

Actually, can I point out that it is not just men.

I know of three marriages where it is/was the wife who behaved like this when the children were born. I watched these marriages from very close quarters, and I saw what was happening.

In each case, the wife carried on as before, leaving the husband to pick up 90% of the housework, caring for the children and also expecting them to be the main breadwinner. And criticising them constantly as well.

Two ended in divorce (one mother actually just walking out on them all), and the final marriage limps on, but the husband is truly defeated.

It's not a man thing, it's a selfish, self centred, self absorbed thing.

Agree! And it’s single mothers who get the flack, not the useless men who cause many of the problems.

It's not motherhood, though. I also had a baby with my DH, but my life hasn't changed that much, after the end of maternity leave, other than the delightful addition of DS (now a teenager). I was very clear in advance about the terms on which I would have a child (I wouldn't be stepping back at work etc) and DH loves cooking and has always done almost of all of it. A weekly cleaner does most of the housework, other than fairly cursory wipedowns and sweepings.

What on earth was he cooking that caused so much grease?

95%? I think you've been hanging around the wrong men.

Don't be so ridiculous. She couldn't sleep because she was seething with resentment because on top of all her other responsibilities, she knew she'd also have to wash up and sort the kitchen. That isn't having very high cleaning standards is it? It's a job that's completely necessary.

Plus, what is wrong with having high standards? It's unpleasant living in a house that isn't clean and it makes everything harder to do.

I wouldn’t have cleaned it. I also wouldn’t have brought it up. I would’ve just left it at most made something for the baby and then gone out.

i think stating the obvious can get annoying so I just don’t say anything. Let the silence talk. But I would’ve do some relationship counselling.

I would let him know you can’t rely on him to do what he says. He doesn’t keep his word and it’s disappointing.

@SoSadandTired7 I had kids with a genuinely abusive man, where it all came out once the children were born. There was no going back, I did everything, he would scream and shout constantly so i was terrified. I had to leave my home with babies, and ive parented alone for years.

Now I would argue that yours is nothing like mine, yours sounds like a bit of an incompetent partner who is trying to help. You resent him because its not enough or not good enough. Maybe you are nagging him. To me I wouldn't leave someone over this without genuinely making a real effort to tell him how you are feeling. Of course, if he is rude or doesnt listen and you see no way back, then time to get your ducks in order. But early parenting is tough on everyone so dont throw things away so easily.

You underestimate how lonely it is actually doing it alone, child access issues, let alone financial issues/new partner issues. Its not a race to the bottom but try and keep this in mind.

I’m so sorry he’s such a disappointment. I feel really angry on your behalf at his thoughtlessness.

It depends on what you want out of this relationship. You, if you care to take it, have the power. You earn more. Your are the mother of the child. You can, if you care to, own the situation. It's just a matter of whether you can respect/love your DH sufficiently to put up with his shortcomings. The ball is in your court, OP. But you need the courage to own that that's the case.

Yep, it’s a massive shock becoming a parent. It’s impossible to be prepared for it, no one can tell you how completely overwhelmed you’ll feel.

OP I hear you. Unfortunately 95 percent of men turn out to be this way after a child comes along. You now have a baby, and an overgrown man child to manage and clean up after, for as long as you can take it. I lasted through eight years of this, being worn down to almost nothing while parenting and working. Don't lose so much of your life to this man. Take care of yourself.

This is exactly the kind of nonsense my awful ex h did. So sorry about this op but there is an abuser script and calling you a horrible nag for pulling him up on what he promised to do - that is all about minimising your emotions. It's abuse and entitlement and it won't change. If it's part of a pattern - which you've said it is - he won't change. He wants you to be quiet . You'll have to walk away and I'm sorry it is hugely stressful but you can't live your one amazing life being put down and put upon by this dick.