If you don't really have many friends, do you feel OK about it?

I've struggled with maintaining friendships all my life. Then I met someone through work - lovely person, I thought we really clicked. But after a while she began to ghost me and I've no idea why. Her penultimate message to me was a request for a favour, followed by a half hearted 'how are you sorry for being such a crap friend'. I did the favour, didn't reply to the 'crap friend' comment and we haven't been in touch since - that was 2 years ago. I was quite devastated at the time. I've given up with friendships now. It's too hard. I strongly suspect I'm ND.

I don’t have a huge number of individual friends but I’m active in a number of friend groups. I absolutely love it this way. I used to have additional very intense one on one friendships but I completely grew out of them as they started to become problematic for me so I let some go.

I still have some very close friends but we very much live our own lives and add to each others lives when we are in touch which gets organised in advance as we are all busy.

I moved about four years ago leaving behind my network. I am happy I moved but I do miss my friends, especially my closest one who I would see at least twice a week. She has made no effort to visit me and when I go back there she doesn’t go out of her way to meet up either (we normally meet for breakfast as a group after we dropped our kids at school but they are now grown and she says breakfast is too early, but that’s when the rest want to do it). Kinda hurtful.
I do now live closer to a couple older friends, I see them a couple times a month.
I’m a widow since I was in my 40s and I do find that so many of my friends do a lot of couple socialising so I’m not included. I don’t think they even consciously realise this, it just doesn’t cross their minds to ask me. So it’s usually me who organises anything which was ok when I lived close by but can’t do it now I’ve moved. I did initially do workshops and met a couple people walking our dogs but it hasn’t led to anything.
So day to day I’m fine - I enjoy my own company. But once in a while I realise the only other adult I’ve spoken to for a few days is the Tesco delivery guy.

I wonder if some people set the bar too high for friends. This dark talk of others not making plans or having to be entirely loyal to you at all times. Like those threads when an op isn’t invited to something and others leap to say cut the friend off for good that’s it.

Adult friendships aren’t like that. Friends are to enhance your life and have fun with. Likely they are busy with other stuff going on too and sometimes will fall short. Think if your standards are too high no one can actually meet them. It’s different to the intense friendships of first 25 odd years of life.

This is so relatable, sometimes it bothers me and other times im not phased at all too... two of the friends I met whilst my children were young moved away. Tho we stil msg. Since that I've met a few people ..I find the single friend doesn't understand my need to want to spend time with my family on weekends (not saying this is the case for other singletons) but she gets quite funny with me if i cant make a date and sulks also spends hours round my house and is quite needy so im trying to drift away a bit. And the other ones I've got that were close used and abused me and just wanted free childcare. I wonder why its so hard to find simular like minded people? ! My mum always says its hard to have a good friend and solid relationship.... most people have one or the other and definitely relate to this.

Im the same, I have some couple friends with my dh and we see those. I have a few friends that maybe once or twice a year I see for a coffee but in reality I spend all my time with my dh. I’m quite content though and happy in little world as it is at the moment

I don’t think the ‘a real friend would do anything in your hour of need’ stuff is a good way of ascertaining the quality of a friendship, though. Mostly we’re not having a 3 am emergency. It often strikes me that the posters who say this are primarily looking for a rationale to decide that other people are flaky and unreliable, so they’re better off devoting themselves to their pet.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. I couldn’t have something like a birthday party or gathering for myself, because I don’t have anybody to invite. It does bother me, but I’m not sure what to do to change it. Life is busy with 2 DC and my OH, and I do have a hobby that I know people at and we have a chat but we aren’t friends if that makes sense. I know people in that I have acquaintances, but again, they aren’t actual friends. I know it’s just a case of finding the right people and it ‘clicking’ into place, but it’s hard and time consuming all the same!!

I’ve travelled this path. I took the decision a couple of years ago to let go of friendships that were being maintained more out of duty rather than really getting anything out of the relationship anymore. Surprisingly, I’ve not missed any of them.
I am in my 60s and think I’ve lived long enough to understand that most of those around me are just friendly acquaintances. A real friend would do anything in your hour of need. That kind of person is always going to be rare to find, and I can sincerely say I’ve just one that would do that. My husband is rather less of a loner and reckons he’s three.
In my youth I had a job that involved frequent relocation and I dread to think of the number of people I’d been friendly with but quickly forgot once I’d moved on.

Not really ok with it, but cba to put the effort in at this age (40s). Same with finding a man. It’s just so much hard work with no guarantee of it succeeding. From observation once people retire they seem to have lots of friends/go to various groups and clubs because they have time, so perhaps that it where all the socialising happens. Life raising children is pretty all consuming and lonely for lots of people in today’s world.

I’ve realised now at the hugely advanced age of 52 that I am, in fact, an anti social introvert who much prefers the company of my animals to people. I have casual acquaintances and my family, but after being horribly let down by my closest friend some years ago I now just can’t be arsed with it all.

I have a few friends but maintaining them can be exhausting. I'm not very good at keeping up the effort of keeping in contact and as a result I've lost a couple of what I considered to be good friendships. I'm an introvert though so I feel I'd be fine without friends, but I see my widowed mother struggling hugely with loneliness due to devoting her life entirely to my late dad and I dont want that to be me.

I would love to have someone I could speak to/message about a book I’ve read or something on television, just to have a chat to every now and then,
I like a quite life but miss companionship, someone to share things with.
I'm married but he works long hours and has different interests, 2 of my adult children still live at home but have their own lives and our youngest has complex disabilities so it can be hard to get out with feeding and medication schedules.

I have two friends. One of which is my sister who I see about 4 times a week. The other is my best friend and I see him perhaps once a year but message/speak monthly.

Thats all by choice. I am a very insular person. I am anti-social and I don’t want to be in a ‘friendship group’. That’s not to say I’m not outgoing, I very much am, I get on with all my colleagues immensely and I turn down about 3 requests a week to ‘go out’, but I’d rather have an eye out.

I suppose what puts me off friendships is the ‘being there’ for them. I’m there for my family and my friend (should he need it!) but I don’t want to provide ‘gill’ with support when she leaves her husband or go to ‘Gemma’s’ baby shower. Because, and this will make me sound very cold, but I don’t care!
I'm not lonely, I don’t miss interactions, I have a fab life. I just don’t like having friends.

I was in a similar situation at your stage in life. It didn't really bother me as I am introvert anyway, so need a bit of quiet time now and then.
Move forward 15 years and I have more acquaintances and made a few good friends.

What changed? DC are late teens / young adults, mortgage is paid off and I have time, energy and money for a sporty hobby. I have time to just sit down quietly and read if needed and time for DH & family. I have even started attending competitions for the sport which is strenuous on all fronts. It's another chapter in my life.

God who cares if you always have to organise? Much better to do that and keep the connections up.

We met a local group when the kids were playgroup / tiny and we still socialise all the time. It’s absolutely life enhancing. I remember being new in town and going to playgroups and making conversations. Lots of rebuffs but struck gold. 15 years on we still meet up weekly and socialise with people I met at those groups and primary our kids at uni!

Keep joining things and putting yourself out there. One friend is a serial joiner and she meets lots of new friends through her new activities. Your kids will need you less in a few years. It just takes one activity group to click. Good luck!

Yes I prefer it. I find friend maintenance exhausting. I want to be a good friend but if you have a busy schedule then people wanting meetups is just so draining. And then if you don't go you look like a bad friend. I just can't do it. One school mum I would consider a friend has recently given up on me I think but it's because my schedule is so busy I only have one day in the last month I wasn't doing something for the dc or work. So I never ever have down time and if I have that one precious 2 hr slot I sometimes just need to sit on the sofa and stare rather than having to host or meet up somewhere with all the logistics and clothes required.

Now I've hit an age (58) were I have time and spare cash, I'm a bit sad about it. My DP has health issues, so I'd like someone to do a city break, go to the ballet/races etc with. A few women who go to the same hairdresser as me have joined over 50 groups, but I feel a bit strange doing that, because I feel as though I should have a friendship group. Being a carer (previously) and life differences/moving away, has made that difficult.

I’ve just had something happen yesterday which involves a relative (50 miles away) having to do me a favour. I get it’s an inconvenient ask, but their response was ‘is there nobody near you you could ask’ and I had to say ‘No. I don’t have anyone I can call on to do x’.
So, whilst I don’t normally mind in terms of lack of social life, it’s hard when you have nobody to lean on, especially when you’ve spent your life doing things and offering help/support to others. It seems there’s no reciprocity. Since DH died people have taken a step back, I’m more alone now than ever.

Great question op.

Its not all it’s cracked up to be having multiple friends either.

Ive recently made the decision to step back, really back because I’ve noticed over the last year or so that it’s me making every bit of effort to keep things going.
For around 7 months now I’ve heard not a thing from people who were very important to me and who I thought felt the same about me.

Im very sad and worried about this as I can see loneliness ahead. More than anything I feel somewhat bereaved.
But I have taken the very obvious hint that they are not interested and so also feel very foolish for not getting that hint sooner.

I have a few women acquaintances who I used to dog walk with and we will have lunch a couple of times a year, but we're not what you'd class as close friends who text or call each other. I've also kept in touch on FB with a few mums who I interacted with from school days. However, even as a child I was not outgoing socially, and preferred being at home rather than out clubbing or to a pub as a teen. Then I married someone who alienated me from the few friends I did have, so now I find myself at 62, widowed and with no friends. In one way it's lonely, but due to the life I've lived I now have zero self confidence and have anxiety about going out, so at least I don't have that pressure.

I have a sprinkling of friends that I maybe see about twice a year. I'm single too.

I sometimes see social media posts of people from work all out together and it makes me a bit sad. I just haven't gelled with colleagues, they're quite a bitchy crowd.

I also feel a bit embarrassed that I have a big birthday coming up and no special plans. It's seems the trend to go off on a holiday etc, I could go solo but conscious it will look a bit sad.

Equally I'm self aware enough to know that social plans feel like a massive hassle to me, I'd always rather stay home. So I have reaped what I sow!

Yes, I did last year, I joined a social group but I found you needed more time than I had because there were things every other week. I was also trying dating at the time - should have stuck with the group and ditched the dating. Work is too busy this year so I am focusing on my goals there just now.

Got a handful if friends but we just meet up periodically; we're all too busy to be in each other's pockets. I'm fine about it.