What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

Just wondering how this relates to the specific situation OP is describing. Perhaps start a separate thread with general observations on the topic.

They’re pretty hopeless and I’d be disappointed but there’s literally no point expecting anything. They’re showing you they’re not bothered and no amount of talking to them or asking them to be involved will make any difference. I wouldn’t want people in my life against their own free will anyway!

That’s really rubbish. I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable at all, just sadly maybe unrealistic given they were never very child-focused as parents either. They’re missing out but unfortunately you can’t make them be interested.
This is on them not you.

Are they likely to have expectations of you when they’re older after having not been bothered.

I did say it did not neccessarily relate to the OP but was a general observation of family expectations.
Is that OK with you?

It’s disappointing yes.

Ive actually walked the walk and matched their (lack of) energy and now do not ever see or contact my mother, my ILS and am very LC with my dad.

The very revealing aspect of this is as predicted and the litmus test… they have not been in touch either, at all in any shape or form.

I kind of guessed that none of them gave a shiny shite about me or my kids and now I actually know it as a fact.

Nothing lost because there was nothing there in the first place.

So they weren’t fully engaged as parents but you hoped they would change when GC came along?

I understand your disappointment but this is who they are.

Many children grow up, as you did, without involvement from GPs and do just fine. If you feel you want to take a step back from them, that’s OK. Would they even notice? 💐

I'm speaking generally here, just to be clear. Having read so many threads about grandparents, I often note that the parents often issue really strict instructions about how grandparents should care for grandkids. And get cross if those instructions aren't complied with to the letter. That particularly applies when childcare is offered, as though it's a job description.
I'd suggest many grandparents step back because they feel that they won't do right for doing wrong.

This 100%. If MN is to be believed, grandparents are kept away from babies for weeks when they are first born, then 'allowed' to see them when the parent sees fit with a list of dos and don'ts, expected to provide free childcare with another prescriptive list, expected to accept they know nothing about raising children because 'we know better now', not show too much interest brcause 'they have had their turn' and generally treated like commidities to be turned on and off when their adult children demand it.
Is it any wonder they just think it's more bother than it's worth?

While I wouldn’t count on them for anything that requires having to get someone else to help out if they leave you in the lurch, some people are just too sucked into their own life, personally I’d keep in contact because I’ve been the person who forgot to keep in contact with relatives and they’ve come back to me and I’ve appreciated it. If nobody makes an effort then all that happens is the kids lose out but I get not everyone feels the same and you’re probably wrecked trying. Tempted to tell you to tell them you wish they were in contact more but I don’t know if that’s can of worms territory!

Whilst I understand the frustration (we're still waiting for MIL to organise something for the kids Xmas presents...), there is no level of expectations here that would be reasonable.

It's their life and their choice, they don't owe you or your children anything.
Don't go out of your way to accommodate them when they suddenly decide to show up though.

That is very sad. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had much of an expectation on them over the years for childcare which is purely up to them but anyone would expect parents to love and take an interest in their grandchildren’s lives at the very least. Sadly that appears to not be the case and you can’t change who they are unfortunately .

But what has OP sowed? Did we miss it in her post? You must have background information on OP’s family that we don’t know about. Please share.

No expectations from me. Whatever they want.

Why are you making the effort to invite them for meals etc if it’s never reciprocated. I agree you need to match their energy.

I know this is so disappointing for you but they aren’t who you want or need them to be, you have to accept it and stop trying.

They’re offended because they know it’s true and if they’re giving off the impression they’re doting grandparents they certainly won’t want you to destroy that image.

I have nothing to do with my MIL because she’s a very unpleasant person, and has been awful towards me. I will not be the one helping her when she’s elderly and can’t manage. You reap what you sow.

Hello @Marmalady10

i could have written your post. I don’t think I have much to offer but I’d just like to acknowledge how painful it can seem at times,

My parents also retired and in good health but spend no time with my children. Unless of course we visit them, or they pop-in to ours if they happen to be near. But then it’s usually a quick visit to say hello, maybe a quick cup of tea and then leave. My parents have never offered to take the (now teens) out for a McDonald’s or anything similar. They’ve rarely celebrated their success & show no interest in their likes and dislikes. In the past it has caused me much pain but I’ve made my peace with it now. I have to just accept this is how it is. On the plus side, my children don’t know any different so they just kind of think that’s what grandparents are like. O have shielded them from my hurt.

After much reflection I’ve put it down to their rather difficult childhoods and lack of awareness and understanding. Tis very sad.

The thing is, I know if o asked them for help, they most definitely would but in the rare occasions this has happened, I have had to plan/organise it military style so now I tend not to bother. Easier to just crack on & manage ourselves.

I’ve made my peace with the fact that’s it not my job to foster relationships between my parents & my children. That is their job and I think they do the best with what they’ve got. I don’t doubt for a second how much they love their grandchildren, I just don’t think they’re very good at some of the other stuff I hoped they’d be good at.

im not proud of this but sometimes I’m envious when I see parents of friends taking the grandkids out for a bite to eat, or to the cinema, or just generally getting involved in things to kids enjoy. have wiped away many a silent tear.

So, that as rather a long winded way of saying you either need to get in about it & take charge and be responsible for the relationship between your kids and your parents. Or you just accept what it is and allow it to be.

On Mumsnet the belief is that ageing parents must not expect help from their children or even regular visits or calls. That it is not the responsibility of the younger generation to step up.
I would say therefore that it works both ways .

I literally could’ve written this same post about my own situation. Currently lying here in bed stewing on it actually. I totally understand how you feel and empathise.

I also only live five minutes from my own parents - elderly but fit, healthy and active. They spend a lot of time with their other set of grandchildren who are young and live in the same village. But my two children (teens) dont get any effort made to spend time with them. Unless I invite them to come to us for lunches or dinners they don’t spend time with them at all.

Hurtful to say the least.

That’s a shame & as others have said just step back - they might be surprised when nobody helps them out when they need it.

Are they involved with other grand children?

Do your DH parents show more interest?

I always made time for my GC, babysat, took them on holiday, took them to dentist/ doctor, picked up from school, fed them and cared for them. It was much appreciated by their parents. Now? Now....aforesaid GC are late teens and have bfs/gfs and are too busy with life to give me a look in apart from answering the odd text - it's like empty-nest syndrome all over again. I know it's natural and I'm happy for them, but, now mid-70s, I'm a bit lost and sad - perhaps if I'd been more like OP's parents I wouldn't feel as bereft?! It sounds as though they have their life sorted and just aren't that bothered - there must be a happy medium.

I’m interested in this too. Were they interested, involved parents? Or do you feel they never much enjoyed being parents?

it’s odd that they’re so uninterested and I’d be hurt too. It’s not that there should be any expectation on grandparents but you’d think they’d want to connect with their grandchildren. Particularly things like checking in and congratulating them on exam results etc. Even if they lived hundreds of miles away, you’d expect that sort of care and interest.

the only thing that jumped out at me is you mention you always had to get babysitters because your parents ‘let you down’. Do you think they maybe felt pressure that you did expect them to be very hands on in looking after the kids when they were younger, and they’ve made a conscious decision to step back? I can imagine that living 5 minutes away, they may have worried that their lives would become restricted and they’d end up having regular commitments to look after your children. You mention they are retired and in good health - but frankly, any couple who get to retirement together and are still fit and active- well, that’s their time, their opportunity to travel, take up new hobbies etc

that’s the only reason I can think of that might be underlying some of this. However, it doesn’t explain the lack of interest and contact… that’s really sad. You’d think however busy and active their own lives are, they’d still be interested in their grandchildren’s lives.

This is always going to be a difficult question to answer so perhaps I can just make some suggestions.
Perhaps begin by considering your own relationship with them. Have you always got along, are you close, do you meet often, talk on the phone. Have you always done that? Do they like your spouse?
If the basic relationship between you isn't great to begin with then having children is unlikely to fix anything and probably makes it worse.
You need to be honest as well about your children's behaviour. I have friends I avoid because their children are so poorly behaved. I also avoid relatives whose houses are cold and I know this is the reason my parents don't visit my brother. His house is uncomfortable and freezing and my parents are very old. He also has very badly behaved dogs.
Perhaps they would rather just see you without your children. I avoid my sister because she always brings her daughter and grandchildren along to meet ups when actually I want to spend time with her.
I'm sorry if this isn't helpful.

My ex father in law was exactly the same. Lived in the next town, used to drive to our area for the Chinese takeaway. Saw him there one night, my sons didn't even recognise him. As previously said just match their energy.....

In fairness, I think the people obsessed with being NC or LC are not often the same people striving towards a more integrated family life.