What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

Yes that’s pretty crap of them. My ILs aren’t great but they’re fab when they see our kids. My dad is great and messages my kids (late teens) and takes them out for lunch. When you say your parents are active would they play golf with them? Maybe just ask? Sometime they need a nudge. I had to ask my dad to take my son for lunch(he was struggling mentally) and it’s built a lovely bond, my dad wouldn’t have come up with it himself.

It's bit of both here in my opinion.

Your use of language makes you sound entitled. Asking what you should 'expect'. Also, saying you had to hire babysitters because your parents 'let you down'. Had they agreed to babysit then changed their mind at the last minute thus 'letting you down'. Or were you 'let down' because you had expectations arising from a. Sense of entitlement?

The lack of interest from your parents in your children's lives is a shame though. I can't imagine being like that about my grandchildren.

Perhaps they know that teens and grandparents seldom have much in common. Teens usually want to spend time with their friends or gaming or doing sport.

My dm spent time with her first dgcs until they were about 5, then found them too boisterous. She was early 60s.

I think it's best to expect no help. They see their dgcs at Christmas and Easter. That's not unusual. I'm 62 and would expect to help out in an emergency but not regularly. After that age, things can get very tiring. I'm fit. I still run and work full time but by the end of the day I'm shattered.

What has OP sown though? There is no evidence that she has treated her parents badly or set unreasonable boundaries for them. She has never asked them for childcare.

They are obviously completely uninterested in their grandchildren. If they are telling their friends that they are doting grandparents, they are liars and hypocrites.

I agree with your framing crossedlines. These things shouldn't be transactional or controlling, but I definitely do/did things for my parents because they did similar for theirs and were interested in their grandchildren.

Your parents sound detached as parents and the same as grandparents. Sad, and it was unrealistic to hope they might change at this point. Your thoughts/feelings that they weren’t and aren’t great are understandable.

The DC likely don’t feel close to their GPs and are likely fine with it, since it’s a different relationship.

Wouldn’t be treating your parents to regular meals out etc when it’s never reciprocated! That’s Stately Homes thread territory!

I’d be really hurt too in your shoes. However, they make their own choices and all you can change is your own behaviour. As many have said, I’d match their energy. No more invites to dinner and certainly no invites to eat out. I’d also do what I wanted at big occasions like Xmas and birthdays too without considering their feelings. And what goes around comes around. When their health starts to fail and they need support I’d be suggesting to call taxis and adult social care if I didn’t want to help. They prioritise themselves and it is only reasonable to do the same. I suspect after they haven’t seen you for several months they will get in touch. Then let them do the running around for a change.

I would think that for some reason they don’t like you or your kids ? Unusual but does happen

YANBU. My mum has to work part-time as she is on her own, so can’t afford not to. She has made a lot of effort over the past 7 years to spend her week days off with me & my children, and will have them overnight on a Saturday so my DH and I can go out. She joins in with days out, birthdays, etc.

She feels guilty she can’t help more when she’s at work (I have reassured her that she does a lot and I know she has to be there financially), she would love to be retired sooner to offer even more flexible help. So yeah, for GP couples who are retired I’d be disappointed too if I were you. 💐

I don’t think you’re entitled to any kind of childcare but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re talking about.
Yanbu to feel upset that they don’t seem interested in spending any time with their family and that it’s always you making the effort, I can understand it makes you feel unimportant.

I don’t feel it’s about ‘expectations’ as such. It’s more about the natural instinct most of us have to show an interest because we care. I can’t imagine having zero interest in the lives of family members, particularly at milestone moments like starting school, sitting exams, going to uni.

However I would add that I think the ‘expectations’ thing can become problematic, as evidenced by the many threads from parents who expect gp to provide babysitting, or school pick ups, often on a regular basis. And there are often threads criticising gp for not following the prescribed routine to the letter. I’ve also noticed the ‘tit for tat’ thing where childcare almost becomes a bargaining chip: ‘if they don’t do it for me, then I won’t help them if they become frail’ … that’s really unpleasant when you see the relationship has strings attached.

Ideally you would hope gp would be interested and involved because they want to be, not because of some veiled threat that they’ll get no help later on unless they do x,y and z now.

Well, I’d expect more engagement than that. They sound very disengaged. At the very least it’s rude to accept meals out etc and never reciprocate. I think I’d be matching their energy from now on. Do they expect help in other areas from you? I think in all adult relationships there needs to be a balance unless other circumstances (like ill health etc).

DP’s parents aren’t very present but I can see that’s due to complex reasons (and I get those reasons) and they do message us. So I think it does depend on individual circumstances but from what you’ve said here, it sounds just a lack of interest from your parents.

It's a shame they are showing little interest in their family. I would try still inviting them, but if they keep being unavailable I would possibly make myself deliberately unavailable the next time they wanted help.

You should definitely be able to have expectations of close family members, it's what holds society together. It's shameful when people let family down.

I don’t get it either. The lack of interest is hurtful. But if you’ve already mentioned it, I don’t think they’ll change. We have one set like yours on my side but I wasn’t expecting much, they weren’t good parents. Thankfully DH has a nice family. When my eldest went off to uni it was really apparent. My side saying “where’s she going again” when they knew or “I wouldn’t go there, it’s an awful place”. Dh’s side celebrated with us and she received cards, presents, money from numerous very generous relatives. She WhatsApp them, sends pictures etc. Doesn’t bother with my side though as they couldn’t be less interested.

If OP has teenagers, she's been a parent for the better part of 20 years.

But speaking as a parent of a 2yo, there was nothing wrong with me sticking to a max once a week visit with my newborn and them only coming when he was a couple of days old at home (ILs first in case you want to bitch about that).

My son loves his grandparents, and we didn't want or need a lot of people "helping" us in the early days. Just a few social visits were fine, and didn't in any way prevent bonds developing.

Of course it helps that none of our parents were giant babies who refused to develop.a relationship because we wanted a bit of time to ourselves.

They have missed out on so much. I’m retired and my happiest times are spending time with my grandchildren. I’ve still got a great social life, loads of friends and lots of interests, but I fit all that in and manage some school runs and babysitting. You can’t force your parents, but when they need looking after, or one of them dies and they’re lonely, I know what my response would be.

It’s odd that you assume your parents will expect you to run circles round them if they become ill. Tbh they sound like a fit and active couple who are enjoying the benefits of retirement.

I do think it’s very sad that they show no interest in your children, I can’t imagine being like that. But like I said earlier, living 5 minutes away, maybe they were worried they’d end up being free babysitters so pulled back from the start.

Stop doing it OP stop making any effort at all and then when they want contact those 2 times a year say you are busy. Why should it all be on their terms?! You might as well have no contact with contact this low.

My ils would be the same. I feel we had to train them! It started off they would do childcare 1 day a week and we paid them. As the gc got older they continued with a school pick up 1day a week, we fed them. As the kids got older, it became less convenient so we would collect the kids from their house after school and somehow its evolved that we go for tea 1 day a week. We are so much more engaging with the pils and the bil/sil, but we had to really engage with it.

So they have always been sociable and continue to be so in retirement? They have lots of interests and get out and about lots?
I think you need to accept they are living the life they want.

OP I would be really disappointed with this situation, I grew up with grandparents on both sides who were not involved in our lives for various reasons (mostly their choice). I didn’t realise it at the time but I do feel quite sad about it now. Especially seeing how my mom is with my kids and what I have actually missed out on when growing up. One set of grandparents lived next door, the other set a 10min walk so there was no excuse. We’re not talking childcare, just interest in our lives. My parents live thousands of miles away and yet have a great relationship with my kids and the kids can’t wait to spend their summers with them. I don’t think there is much you can do about it other than bring it up directly with them if you think it will help. It’s a huge loss to them in my opinion and they will start realising it more and more when they get older and start needing more help and connection with family. Mine definitely realised but it was already too late. You can’t go back in time. Sorry to hear you are experiencing this, it’s really sad.

Tommyrot. You show me one (1) post from all these alleged Mumsnet posters who have gone non contact who are also bemoaning that the grandparents aren't coming over enough. Absolute idiocy.

I am sorry OP, that sounds very hurtful.

My parents are close to all of my children individually but they love children in general, were foster carers for many years and also keep in touch with some of my friends from when I was a teenager. They aren't afraid to be busy and don't particularly want a quiet life.

I think the issue here is that your parents possibly aren't that interested in other people full stop.

I am speaking specifically here - the OP's parents sound like a couple of selfish people.

Not everyone has kind and caring parents .