What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

When they get older and health issues start to appear they might well pop up wanting help and support. Happens all the time. A lot of elderly people think they will go on forever and that ill health and mobility issues are for others

Those were pretty much my thoughts too.

Ideally you would hope gp would be interested and involved because they want to be, not because of some veiled threat that they’ll get no help later on unless they do x,y and z now.

I do think though that it’s not really about babysitting. If you have no interest in your grandchildren and building a relationship with them. How can you then expect the same people you’ve made little to no effort with over the years to then make an effort with you when you’re elderly and struggling. I don’t think that’s tit for tat. It absolutely shouldn’t be used as a threat but I wonder what the thinking is for people like the OP’s parents who clearly aren’t interested yet will still expect the OP to put in the effort when they’re old. It just doesn’t work like that.

For me, you get the energy back you give out.

100% this. My mum isn't as able to help me with childcare as her and my late dad were for my siblings - I am the youngest of a large family and had my daughter when I was 43, so my mum is now in her mid80s- but, my god, does she remember anything/everything (!) that her 8 grandchildren are doing and ask after them! My PILs are definitely not as interested/willing but they do make some effort (even when it's only on their timetable..🙄).

OP I think that you're completely within your rights to feel disappointed by their actions and attitude.

This. There are no "reasonable expectations"

OP, why are you doing all the running?
Match their energy.
They have every right to not wish to be childcare, even though I think letting you down when they did already commit is awful.

Why are you allowing this to be all one way and for your children to witness this?

Drop the rope.

I have friends with parents like yours and they decided to match the energy and were much happier for it.

They too had zero real interest in their grandchildren and once my friends finally understood that, they accepted it.

But when their grandparents slowed down when their children were late teens and suddenly were looking for company and visits, they refused to put any pressure whatsoever on them to visit.

There was little relationship to speak of, so my friends had zero intention of guilting their busy children.
They wouldn't entertain it.

Drop that rope completely.

My grandparents never provided any childcare whatsoever, but we were very close right up to their death in my 20's.

They were so interested in me and my life, we were always connected, right to the end.

Radically adjust you effort and expectations and you will be the better for it.
If you want to run after your parents later in life, do.
But that is your choice.
Plenty of people who have parents like yours, don't.

One friend of mine whose parents were very similar and unavailable, had children who went to a university 90 minutes away from home. They decided when it looked like their children were going to settle there to up and move to a great suburb nearby as their jobs were now both WFH.
Her parents were very upset at their decision and very vocal.
My friend told them that being with their children was their priority now.
Its been absolutely brilliant for them all.
Their children adore having a home to go to for Sunday lunch, to drop into ad hoc, despite living their own busy lives.
My friend is just loving urban life.
They see her parents infrequently, but she does telephone weekly, just like they did when the children were growing up.
They have adjusted to paying for the help and services the need.

@Marmalady10 I think you've identified the issues yourself.
You weren't brought up with grandparents so there's no model for your parents to follow there
They haven't been there for you or your grandchildren. It sounds as though they see parenting as 'job done' and their engagement thereafter is on their terms.
Their choice, but you reap as you sow. My grandchildren are the joy of my life and main motivation and I will always do whatever might be needed to support them and their parents.
That's my choice with no strings attached. I don't expect them to reciprocate if I need care later in life, the close bonds now are reward enough.
YANBU but not all parents and grandparents are made equal.

Almost identical to our position. Our DS is nearly 5 and none of the GP have ever looked after him or taken him on a day out. They don’t turn up on birthdays or anything like that at all. They see us as older parents not needing support.

Reading this thread I suspect much of it is down to the relationship they had with their own parents. When I was a child I never spent any time with GP and I knew that my parents weren’t really keen on them. They were very much in a position of self sufficiency and I think they expect the same from us.

The relationship I had with my GP was very distant because of this. I didn’t attend funerals or anything as I barely knew who they were. I suspect history will repeat itself with my DS.

It’s a shame really as they all live local, are all retired and are all financially secure so have absolutely no worries yet don’t appear at all interested in our DS.

There is one difference though and that is both sets of GP each have 1 other DGC however in both cases they are now adults. They both offered huge support to those DGC but have told us that they now feel they’ve done their bit so don’t engage with our DS in anything like the same way.

It’s ridiculous really as we don’t need anything from them. We pay for all childcare, have flexible jobs to facilitate school and are financially secure so it’s not as if we ever go cap in hand to them. They could literally have just the best bits of being GP without any of the negatives yet they choose not to.

Relationships are two way.

My mum and dad had an amazing relationship with one of my nieces from early years until adulthood. This developed because from an early age she spent alone time with them (SIL split with her dh and worked nights so niece slept at mums and dads). As niece grew into a teen she would actively want to visit her grandparents alone.

They have other dgc they love but the relationship is not as close for both sides, simply because they don’t know each other and small talk is awkward. This is because from an early age they didn’t bond as well as they only saw each other occasionally and always with the parents.

I saw the same growing up myself, my cousins who stayed close to and had sleepovers with my dgp were so close. I remember their funerals and my cousins speaking about their relationship and thinking I didn’t recognise them. That is no one’s fault, it is just r relationship for various reasons (geography, work pressures, prior) didn’t develop the same. Personally I think parents are mostly the enablers of this in early years, but it can be difficult with busy lives.

If your dc are teens now, it is likely the opportunity has been missed, this isn’t your parents “fault” it’s just how it is.

To be honest i would stop bothering with them.

Maybe they didn’t miss out. Maybe they built life as they wanted it, and they’ve continued that. They’re not that interested.

It’s not unreasonable to have hoped that it’d be different but it was unlikely, and it is unreasonable to keep expecting change when it’s not going to happen. They’ve shown you how interested they are. You can’t change that.

Do they really tell their friends what doting grandparents they are? That would really piss me off as it's an outright lie. If they said 'we've done all that childcare stuff with you & siblings, don't want to do more' I might well be disappointed but at least it's honest. The lies would make me angry though.

This is so sad that they put more value on friendship than family. I do wonder if friendship is easier as there are no emotional ties. Perhaps they find that easier.
what I can tell is that if one day you are a granny there will be a whole other experience happening for them.

My parents were always interested in my kids lives (they both passed away before my children reached ten). My in laws would probably have never seen my kids if we didn’t arrange anything. They do (did, only one, who is actually step grandparent, still alive) love my children and engaged with them when we took them round or they visited. They never ever reached out to them or spent any time alone with them. And they had no relationship with my stepchildren (their first grandchildren) as they didn’t like my DH’s ex, and my DH always blamed himself for not pushing it more. Oddly they said how delighted they were when my eldest stepson reached out to them when he had his first child, as if the ‘rift’ had been entirely his fault!
So expectations? Apparently none if you look at how you were brought up (and maybe how they in turn were brought up). It’s sad, the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can be wonderful. One would hope if their parents loved them they would love their children’s children, and show interest and want to spend time with them. Society expects that, but individuals do not always live up to that.

Think of it the other way round.

"Our adult daughter lives 5 mins from us but we only see her occasionally as she's so busy living her own life......."

They don't owe you anything. They are fully formed people in their own right, they don't just exist in relation to you.

They did their part bringing you up, that they owed you, now it's your turn with your kids.

They are happy, healthy and doing their own thing. Be pleased for them.

My mum hasn't seen my eldest in 7 years and never met my youngest. It doesn't stop her telling everyone how close they are, how much she looks after them and what a doting nan she is though. My 84 yr old nan has seen them a few times a year and she lives 250 miles away.

Some people prefer the image rather than the reality.

For me my expectations of childcare were low (our parents were not retired and lived too far away for staters!) Even if local I don’t think our parents would be the kind to drop everything to assist on that side of things on a regular basis.

BUT, and this is a big but, they truly want/ed to be part of our children’s lives and have done a lot of adhoc babysitting over the years. To the extent that our children spend a couple of weeks in the summer with them, and another set takes them away on holiday. The focus has always been about bonding, getting time together as opposed to helping us out perse (but then it does of course help us out as it gives us some time alone which I think is really important).

I completely understand GP not wanting to be in the coal face of child rearing again, but I think it’s very sad if they don’t want to build relationships with GC. Parents do have to be willing to let that happen though, I know lots of parents wouldn’t be comfortable with the trust and flexibility we have afforded GP.

My parents invested a lot in my children, DH's parents, virtually nothing.

We could never understand why there was such a difference, we just had to accept it.
I would treat your parents, like for like, and only invest as much as they do.

This is not tit for tat but hopefully will stop you feeling hurt or resentful at their lack of contact.

You can't force a relationship, but also you don't have to look after them if required to do so in old age.

My parents are the same. They live 10 mins away and no interest. They can't hold a conversation with me or DD as they don't know our interests or lives. They don't know what time buy DD for Christmas as they dont know what she likes.

I

Seriously? These are grandparents not second cousins.
I feel for you OP.

Absolute reciprocate the effort that they put into their children/grandchildren when they want you to run around after them and provide care when they become ill or less mobile.

Distant family relationships work both ways. They don't get to be a completely hands-off and distant parent/grandparent but have entitled and unrealistic expectations of the help that they expect to receive from the children and grandchildren that they have ignored and neglected over the years.

"They're liars and hypocrites."

Wow, you're very judgemental ! You have no idea what age does to your resilience. At 60 I simply don't have the reserves to look after small energetic children.

and my dad is 82 and in poor health and still manages it. He has a great laugh with my boys.

Not a ‘bit of both’. OP has explained that her parents had agreed to babysit and then pulled out. Her OP gives the impression that she’s asking what others think is reasonable to hope for (‘expect’). Her hopes / wishes don’t seem unreasonable - though unlikely to be fulfilled by her parents

Lots of teens have no real interest in spending time with grandparents even if the grandparents have been involved.

my parents were fairly involved considering they lived quite a long way away and my dad had cancer for a long time.

neither my mum nor my dad would ever have dreamed of texting them directly or taking them to McDonald’s though (to be fair they were foodies and hated fast food).

we did do a lot of family things together - holidays, my parents came and looked after them for weeks at a time while I worked when our school terms didn’t quite align (I was a teacher).

I did have to bribe my teens to do it though - in a we can stay at a posh hotel and you can order any room service you want if you come to great aunt betty’s 70th that the whole family will be at sort of thing.