What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

That’s terrible. I’m sorry you’re lumbered with such selfish, horrible parents. You’re a more patient woman than me, I fear!!

@Marmalady10 100 per cent the above quote.
If they weren’t there for you as a child, they won’t change for your children. Reciprocity is your best bet.

Historically I can see why you're upset with the lack of engagement over the years but it sounds like this is just who your parents are and I doubt you will change them now.

Also, your children are now teens - do they really want their grandparents at every school event etc?

By the time my daughter was a teen (actually even before) my mum in particular was an absolute liability in public and would have mortified both me and DD at any school event (and did on a few occasions).

They sound like crap grandparents and parents.

I would slowly stop any efforts towards them and see how long it takes then to make any.

Sounds like you actually expect very little and they put out even less. I bet they have helped out social acquaintances more than they've helped you out.

This.
Match their energy.

You have made me feel old. I am 60 and I could easily look after energetic children.

I guess I just hoped that when they retired they might become more family focused and want to make the most of time they missed when they were working.

This reads to me like they're behaving how they always have, but your expectations are that they should change and behave accordingly.

oh my @Marmalady10they sound horrible- certainly not my experience with my parents who are wonderful and at the drop of a hat would be there for me, dh and their grandchildren, emergency or not.
Isn’t that what you do for those you love ?

For me, this particular instance would mark the end of my relationship with my parents. Choosing a friend's friend's lunch over the medical and childcare needs of their own daughter is unforgivable. No way would I be making any effort with them. There would be no further invites. And I would absolutely not be helping them in their old age.

Absolutely reciprocate their efforts.

Many of my peers are entering the elderly parents life stage, and generally the support offered is in a similar league to the involvement that the parents gave, whether that's physical or emotional.

For practical reasons my expectations were low, but I've been disappointed in how uninterested DM is in my children, and I can see patterns repeating in her golden child, scapegoat dynamics. As she's got deeper into old old age, she's become more entrenched. She'll give Farage plenty of conversation topic energy, but can barely bring herself to ask how DS1 is. I'm out of emotional energy to chase her, which has been made harder by her proud stubborn refusal to adapt to things like mobile phones (ironically she used them in the 90's but decided that she wasn't going to learn to read a text message) leaving her dependant on a landline she can barely hear.

Ultimately she has made choices that make our relationship harder and I have limited capacity to fill that gap.

Fortunately she has a golden child who lives locally. Credit to him, he does a great job (although he gets less of the negativity, and internalised misogyny).

I’d probably stop contacting them and seeing them until they’re ready to have a conversation about how they have been rubbish grandparents to your DC, and not reciprocating your efforts. No point brushing it under the carpet, they are oblivious to what they’ve done and how it has made you feel.

The MRI example shows you that they are completely unreliable, so you shouldn’t ever expect anything from them. If a friend treated you this way (showed little interest in your life and kept letting you down at the last minute) I’m guessing you would fade them out?

It’s sad, because most people would expect more from grandparents (or more accurately most grandparents would want to be more involved by choice) so I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect them to follow through on a few things they have agreed to help with, but you know what they are like now.

On the bright side, you won’t feel obliged to run around after them when they get a bit older!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. Cancelling when you had a hospital appointment is out of order. I would be very unwilling to offer any care/help when they become ill or less mobile since you have your own life and they have always prioritised theirs.

@Marmalady10do you think there might be some worry that if they do loads for you, living 5 mins away, it might mean an expectation that they do similar for your sister, who lives further away? Or could perhaps cause some resentment that you’re getting far more help than her?

im not looking to excuse their complete lack of interest in not even bothering to communicate with your children- i think that’s odd and really sad.

but families can be complicated and expectations can cause difficulty. There’s already been a poster on this thread who proudly mentions a grandparent doing a weekly 3 hour round trip to provide childcare, which is bonkers and way too much pressure on a grandparent. I’ve seen similar on other threads too, where posters measure a grandparent by whether they provide free childcare, and bonus points if they do crazy hours long journeys to do it. That’s equally sad to the situation you’re in. It feels like a transactional thing.

I’m just pondering on possible reasons behind some of this.

But like I say, the utter lack of interest is odd and hurtful. I think you may just need to accept they aren’t interested and as others have said, match their energy.

What is "reasonable" to expect?
Lol.
If you cannot take the hint, then what is reasonable would be to let them get on with their own bloody lives.

Nothing is to be expected.

My only expectation is that people fulfil what they commit to. I think it's unreasonable to agree to babysit and then cancel at the last minute for anything other than I'll health. However, they don't have to commit to doing anything. They can do as much or as little as they want.

I always feel that the investment made is never wasted. Your GC are going through the same self-focussed age that we all go through, but deep down they will never forget the times you shared together.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that but you would possibly be confronting different emotions such as regret and guilt about what you didn't do, rather than feelings of longing that you're feeling now.

iowYou can never take away all the kindness you gave your DGC at the time you could give it, it's "in the bag".

I haven’t voted because I don’t think there’s a universally reasonable expectation here. Any expectation each of us might have will be based on our experience of how our family works.

If your expectations aren’t being met, I guess you should be asking yourself, ‘What led me to believe my parents would be more involved with my kids? Given everything I know about our family, was that a reasonable ecpectation?’

My DM always said she had done her bit with us, and therefore didn't feel the need to do it all again. She wanted some time for her and her new partner (my Dad died fairly young at 68).

Predictably when she got very much older, she couldn't understand why nobody wanted to look after her, and why her Grandkids didn't visit.

She was very much a give them a £10 and then sit quietly and don't disturb kind of GP.

I’m astounded at DGPs who live but five minutes away not wanting to see more of their DGC. I live at quite a distance from mine, but I do make the effort to see them when I can - for me, it’s much more a case of working parents and weekends being precious, so it’s a fine balance between wanting to see my DGC and not wanting to impose. I do write letters and send books and the occasional unexpected present, though. All I can say is that it’s the OP’s parents who are the losers in all this - there is a great deal of pleasure to be had in being a grandparent, and I am at a loss to understand why they don’t want to be more involved.

No eldercare. Tee hee.

My PIL are like this. Marginally more interested in their younger son’ kids (he’s my husband’s brother and clear favourite).

From your post it seems you’re expecting them to go out a lot to see you? To nativities, sports etc? Mine find this very unappealing but are very happy for us to pop in for tea at their house instead - takes up just 30 mins to an hour of their time (& ours) and means a bit of conversation and has promoted a good relationship between them & the kids. One of my siblings expected the events attendance - with the exception of sports (for me) a lot of that stuff is pretty dull to be fair and I can see why some gps aren’t that keen!