What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

Teens? Ma6mybe they should go see their grandparents

You can’t EXPECT anything. You may receive and you may not. We never had any help at all off grandparents or family. It is what it is. And you can’t force anyone to be interested in another person. I think it’s bad but that’s just how some people are. Nothing to be done.

I think there should be no expectations around babysitting, care, chores, running around etc. I get the impression you would have appreciated some babysitting and childcare when they were younger. In my view the have done their share with their own children and some enjoy the freedom retirement brings. Yes of course it is heaven sent when grandparents step in and help us out as saves us precious funds and a family feel.

I know many grandparents who will do an odd day here and there but are way too busy with pub lunches, walks etc to want to commit to a schedule. This is something to be celebrated as they are achieving well socially in life.

I do find it sad however more on the messaging side, little good luck messages with exams and yes inviting them over more. Seeing their plays it’s these things in my view that count. These are the key parts of being a grandparent imho.

Although a trip was your fathers interest this would have been a big deal to him, so inviting your children is actually a lovely thing.

Maybe suggest some ideas?

The relationship with teens will be non existent if it hasn't grown from them being tiny. Its not about what is expected but about what they want to do. My teenage grandchildren come here voluntarily like it was their second home That did not happen overnight but cumulatively.

I hate this opinion that you shouldn't expect grandparents to care about their grandchildren. I think that is ridiculous. Surely they should want to have an interest in their grandchildren and by default their own children? Its incredibly selfish.
Both of our parents are not interested in our children or us either. All retired and do nothing but watch TV all day. They couldn't even tell you what year they are in at school. Its sad. They are missing out on so much. The resentment it causes is awful. I won't be around to help in their old age.

My parents have been retired since I was in my teens and got heavily into the cruise/luxury/long haul travel thing. They were always unavailable for this reason. I didn't need or expect childcare from them but it would have been nice to have some kind of relationship with them. It hurt to hear "We thought about sending the DOC a postcard from places we visit but we go to so many places we couldn't do them all so we've decided not to do any." After a while they didn't even tell us when they were away we just had to guess. Once my phone rang really late at night and I was worried to death because it was my dad and I did know they were on a cruise. "Oh good you can hear me? I just wanted to check my phone works in the West Indies. Now I can phone Geoff <hangs up>"

But even though they were completely self-absorbed in their late 50s 60s and 70s it doesn't help with the guilt now they are old and can't travel. I feel constantly guilty and worried about them. They live quite a distance away so I can't visit very often. I can't just shrug my shoulders and say you reap what you sow because they are isolated old, disabled people now and it would be heartless to say it's my turn to fuck off on holiday and show no interest. Sorry OP it's a rubbish position to be in.

@ Katypp Definitely has a point here!
OP you have implied that your PIL are too busy with their social life to make time for their DGC.
Could it also be that they have decided to go LC with you because of something about your family’s lifestyle/ opinions or something that they don’t like?

It's mind boggling isn't it. My gran died 2 or 3 years ago and never once stepped foot in the house my parents bought in 1991. I don't recall her being at our house 5 mins walk away ever either. Grandad only been in it once because he was a decorator and was doing cornicing for the parents. Got dragged to theirs once a month or so. On the other hand, my maternal grandparents who were their neighbours used to book a holiday cottage on the next street over every year, I was at theirs to help them with cleaning or shopping every weekend. They lived 10 miles away.

My own parents often drove 3 hours each way to get my eldest when I had awful pnd, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week at the worst. Mums coming to spend a week here next week so we can go sun ourselves for my 40th. Has taken my older two out for a meal and shopping to celebrate exam results. Whereas fil was very involved in the two older dds lives then when we had the dts he all but disappeared. Now I haven't seen or spoken to him in about 3 years and I won't ever again unless I get the option to tell him he's a selfish self centred cunt.

One of my children lives just up the road another 20 mins away and I love helping out and spending time with my grandchildren. I have ten, 8 boys and 2 girls from 3 to 20 and absolutely love the time I get to spend with them. As a pp said, we've done school plays, nativity, hospital appointments, dental visits. I've also seen the other side with visits to police stations and searching for a runaway so it's not all rose tinted. I'm sorry the OP hasn't experienced some of this but just as there are great and lousy parents the same can be said about grandparents!

I’m older than 60 and I look after my very energetic grandchildren. It does tire me, but I’m perfectly capable of it.

HNRTFT but I really understand why you are disappointed and probably feeling quite hurt. Myself and my friends who have grandchildren are involved in their lives .
My mum was very hands on and my children as young adults always enjoyed seeing Grandma ,she was a fun quirky lady .
I have tried to be the same with my darling Grandchildren,visit regularly,have the oldest for sleepovers,trips out and pick up from school and nursery.
We both work part time so we ensure that we also have time to ourselves and not over commit.
Am not sure what is the right advice but I personally would recommend that you keep up contact with your parents because all this NC business I read on MN is not typical of the majority of families.

Yes, there's no guarantees as you've proved, but you and they got some pleasure out of it at the time.

In relation to the question. You can't make people be interested. It's either there and becomes naturally or it doesn't .

Children won't actually suffer from having little grandparent effort . It's the parents that are more important

Well, I’ve always been interested in what the GCs were and are doing. They're adults now.

But, I had a busy life, when they were little, caring for my elderly parents, and a DH with health problems.

So, no, I never got involved in anything but occasional and emergency childcare.

It’s not a right that grandparents should provide childcare, and be endlessly on hand.

Grandparents, like parents, do have a life of their own.

After observing people I think.

Some people don’t enjoy the company of children, they had children but your parents I assume are at least Gen X. I’m almost 60 and hopefully the last generation where not having children made you odd. It was just expected if you married that you would try to have them.

Some people and I think I only know one couple like this are so bonded they need no one else and that includes their own children and grandchildren. They don’t dislike them they are just not needed.

when you take them out for meals, do you pay for them or do they pay for themselves? If you pay for them, stop.

Your original question was ‘what can I reasonably expect of retired grandparents?’ And I am afraid the answer to that is nothing .

They are adults who are in the final third of their lives, they have worked hard and brought up their own family and they want to choose how they live their lives. That’s their prerogative and, however sad it makes you, you don’t get to expect anything from them.

I am an ‘involved’ grandparent and it brings me enormous joy to have these little people in my life. But not everyone feels like that and you just have to accept the reality of your situation. Celebrate your close nuclear family, take pride in your independence and take credit for those achievements.

We are very close to our children and grandchildren and I feel your parents are the losers. But …and there is a but …sometimes I do feel exhausted by it and I may sneakily admire your parents for setting their boundaries.

Honestly OP, that is really shocking behaviour from them.
I would be very concerned for your self esteem that you would accept this.

This is not nofmal behaviour at all.
This goes far beyond not being interested.
This is genuinely awful of them.

DROP the rope.
Step away.

Are your teens at all interested in having their grandparents at their events/ doing things with their grandparents? The average teen doesnt always want parents around and has little interest in older adults.

I could have written this post and your original post about my PILs. It's really sad. I have just matched their zero interest and disengaged with them. Appreciate that must be so much harder when it's your actual parents.

No expectations but in your case I would wait for them to suggest something.

Actually they sound awful. If a friend treated you like that you would drop them. I think you should take a step back. I realised that I was the one always contacting my parents. When I stopped they would message and say 'we haven't heard from you in ages' (as if it was my job to stay in contact). Once I took control I felt better though and cared less.

I think that’s sad for your parents and DC.
PIL aren’t very involved and live a distance away, my parents however have helped us loads with childcare and babysitting, always there for nativities etc, as a result they have a lovely close relationship with both DDs which is positive for everyone

That's a shame OP. It's very disappointing to think that your DC have missed out on having interested and loving grandparents, as without doubt, it enriches lives. However, we play the cards we are dealt, not the ones we'd have picked. So there is no point dwelling on it. Make only the level of effort with them you're comfortable without resentment, and without expectation. Accept the limitations of tjeir offer, and focus on what your DC do have rather than what they don't.

This is absolutely spot on!!