What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

It sounds to me as if your parents are the same people they always were - disinterested as parents, disinterested as grandparents. You hoped that their disinterest was due to their time/interest being focussed on work, so I can understand the disappointment when nothing changed on their retirement. It sucks.

They won't change now. The only thing you can change is how they affect you. Stop hoping they will have an epiphany and want to be involved with your lives - they won't. They are the same people they always were. How are your in-laws, your grandchildren's paternal grandparents? If they are around, cultivate those relationships, but as for your own parents - have you heard of 'Drop The Rope'? Step away, divert your energies / thoughts away from your parents' inadequacies and concentrate on your much-more-fulfilling life outside of them.

"Actually I have always been there for my parents and I look after them well. I invite them over for meals and we take them out for meals, but this is never reciprocated."
Drop the rope. Stop inviting them over / out. Put the same level of effort into them as they put into you. See how long it takes for them to notice. Amuse yourself by running a book inside your head, placing bets as to how long it will take.

"I’m pretty sure my parents will expect us all to run circles around them when they come to ill health or get less mobile, but I have to admit it makes me feel more like reciprocating their effort as I get older, because they have never really been there for me and they are not there for my children either."
Drop the rope. Reciprocate their energy. Absolutely do not jump to their demands. Keep in mind how they behaved when you needed an MRI. They prioritised "a friend of a friend’s birthday luncheon" then, I'm sure that friend of a friend will be thrilled to step up to the plate for them in return.

Truly - drop the rope.

I’d try and get past what’s ‘reasonable’ and just do what’s right for you and your kids.

My parents are very self absorbed and have never put much effort into getting to know any of their grandkids - who are just basically ignored at family gatherings. They actually only ever babysat once, and I came back to find my 8 year old exactly where I left him - plugged into the tv. They’d just full on ignored him the entire time.

We do mix with older friends and mentors who actually take an interest instead, and that’s much more healthy for our family all round. It’s a bit sad, but not half as sad as waiting for my parents to change, which is what I used to do.

I think it's natural for you to have some sort of expectations at first, but that doesn't mean they are obliged to take an interest. Maybe it's time for you to adjust your expectations?

I think there are more parents like yours than not tbh.
My Mum was an amazing Nan and loved every second with all her grandkids (she had 11 plus great grandkids) always fair and would help whenever she could. Ditto my PIL they were amazing too.
I’m now a Nan and have 2 grandchildren, 1 of which I look after full time whilst my daughter teaches (the older one is at school). The way I see it is I’ll help whilst I’m able to and sometimes I can’t and will say but I do consider it an absolute privilege to be able to spend time with them and can’t understand those who don’t.
2 of my siblings in laws moved miles away once their dgc came along so as to say ‘don’t ask me to look after them at any point’ but to anyone outside of the family would play the doting gp’s.
Used to drive me mad!! 😡

What a shame, my dad is planning his 80th celebrations, dm, dsis and I, plus our teen dc, and the activities will include something the dc enjoy because he wants us all to have fun together.

We've had years of childcare from all gps, my dm would never move away as she likes to see dc regularly, and has her own WhatsApp group with them. MIL would actually probably have died years ago but I had her bonus grandchildren and she literally lives for them despite being unwell.

They are missing out, but you're learning how you can be better and be the best gm yo your future gc

It doesn't sound like you are asking for childcare, as your kids are older. It sounds like you are hoping for a relationship and they are putting very little into that relationship. If I had a friend who never messaged me, was disinterested in activities I suggested, left me to put in all the effort etc, then I'd stop bothering. Obviously it's up to them what effort they put in but if they don't bother I suspect your kids won't bother as they get older.

I'm older than you! I did two full days a week childcare for my grandaughter when I was in my 60s. OP isn't even expecting her parents to provide childcare, she just wants them to show a tiny bit of interest in their grandchildren.

Obviously, they have no obligation to do this but it's a bit rich that they pretend to their friends that they are doting grandparents when they couldn't really care less.

Stop trying op. They aren’t going to change. Match their energy and just get on with your lives. It’s sad and you will probably grieve a little for the relationship you thought they would have with your children but there’s nothing you can do about it. I would however remember this when they suddenly become needy as they get older.

I cant wait to have grandchildren and go to Nativity's and sports days and school fairs with my anticipated GC. My older son said to me recently, mum when I/we have a baby will you babysit and stuff. Absolutely was my response I fully expect to do some school runs, holiday care etc too I am greatly looking forward to it

That is incredibly selfish! I don’t think I’d be making much effort with them after that!

OP I completely understand you sadness
My 2 beautiful now adult DS have never had any involvement or interest from either set of grandparents, My husband and I bonded over our very cruel childhoods
However, I think that some talking therapy/counselling would benefit you and help you navigate the grief you are feeling
Your parents are absolutely dreadful, the MRI example is just jaw dropping
I think for your own mental health you should just stop
Neither my husband nor I see our parents I spent years trying to be the good daughter having them over for christmas day, easter lunch etc etc but got sick of it never being reciprocated and the judgement and snide commnents

Good luck and I hope with help you can move on and be happier

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have family like this.
I was a single parent to two babies (still single) and they live a 5 minute walk away and I wouldn’t hear a peep from them. It I called, I would be told, it’s hard and that’s just how it is. I don’t think I can forgive them for what they did (or didn’t do) during the hardest time in my life.
They weren’t very good parents to me growing up, so it was naive of me to expect things would be different as grandparents. I feel sorry for my children as their grandparents on my ex’s side are dead anyway, so this is all they have. I’m redecorating my sons bedroom as my children still sleep in a double bed and the room is full of my clothes, and I work, and it’s half term, and my parents are nowhere to be seen (my dad is still in his 60s a physically fit). It does make me sad so I really sympathise with op.

They sound like crap grandparents and frankly I’d step back a bit from inviting them to things . My in-laws were similarly not involved with our kids and now my kids are adults they have very little to do with MIL who is their remaining grand parent . My late mother was an excellent grandparent and our eldest in particular was very close to her and was even living with her prior to her death so it isn’t as if my kids aren’t sociable with their relatives .

I don't think that babysitting has to be a given but my parents enjoyed seeing me & would come over every week which also meant that they saw the GC then.

There shouldn’t be expectations, most hate going to school plays etc for their own children certainly don’t want to sit on uncomfortable chairs for grandchildren.

My retired parents live one village over, they probably see my teenagers a few times a year, hardly ever ask about them or even me really. I probably saw my nan once a week at the same age but we had a very different relationship.

Grandparents can and usually are interested in their grandchildren. However, they don’t always feel the need to get involved in childcare. 🤷‍♀️

My dad lives a ten minute drive from my house and no longer makes an effort. Never asks how the kids are and never responds if I message asking how he is. He always seemed annoyed if I made an effort to visit him too and honestly he's not a very nice person in general. I've stopped making effort since the kids pointed out to me that they're not "cousins names" so grandad doesn't care. He does everything for my sister who lives a similar distance and makes loads of effort to bother with her kids whilst not caring a toss for mine. So now I don't speak to him and removed him from my social media. He doesn't seem to care. I expect nothing from him yet my sister only really contacts him when she wants childcare or wants his contribution to yet another new car she has her eye on

I think your parents just aren’t interested in being grandparents.

I’d back off and see if they start to make requests to see you and the kids. I expect they won’t but then you have your answer.

I think you’re going to have to accept they aren’t the sort of grandparents/parents who take much interest.

Wonder how this will change when they are older and finding life difficult - they may be expecting you to help out then. You’d be within your rights to do very little for them.

Sounds like they had children because it was the "thing to do" rather than them actually wanting children.

I think it's really sad that they aren't interested. However, sounds like there is little you can do to change them now so unfortunately, you just have to live your life with the small amount that you do see them.

Don't let it bother you anymore.

I think it's just the way some people are - you maybe should revisit your expectations - this isn't new behaviour. I get that it's disappointing but getting upset won't fix it.

People say not to expect but I don’t understand how you’ve not to expect help from the people who brought you into the world when you have an mri scan! Jesus I would help a neighbour in this situation let alone my own daughter who is do anything for to help, as did my mum and dad, I’m very grateful for the family I have and I’m sorry you don’t have that op but I’d pull back if I was you, you owe them nothing either if that’s their view

I have a similar situation, no interest and I only see them if I do the inviting, which I do much less now after years of it. I’ve accepted it now, and just hope I have a closer relationship with my kids when they are adults/ if they have their own children.

I think we all know the saying “you can choose your friends, but not your relatives”.
But, I would be correcting their lies on social media.

My dad is exactly the same, never bothers with the kids. I have to text him to see him cus I wouldn’t hear off him. i just don’t get it, I’m not expecting a babysitter just to take an interest.