What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

When I was a child my parent's put my nine year old self and my five year old brother on a plane from Sydney to Dublin by ourselves to stay with my grandparents. My mother came to collect us six months later. Yet they won't offer to have my children overnight.
They see absolutely nothing wrong or strange in this. As far as they are concerned, they are wonderful in every way.

Siblings and I had zero relationship with grandparents. There is one grandchild and my parents are reserved about it they wouldn’t babysit or have DC overnight and in laws have even less to offer. It is sad. I’m glad though DC has other people who care more deeply.

I think they are missing out here.some GDP seem oblivious to their grandchildren! I was practically co parented by my Nan. every WE and Wednesday evening sleepovers.my My mum and stepdad would babysit ,and we would go out with DC .as well.they weren't up for CC though and that's fine. Do they have other DGC .how are they with them?

My family are a bit like this. I could match their energy but I feel guilty - it's not in my nature to be distant, uncaring, unhelpful etc. However, my husband has a very long memory and says he'll cast back all the excuses we've received over the years right back at them if/when they need our help in the future!

My DM kept a relationship going with her mother and father (they divorced and remarried). My grandad was very much into himself and talking about himself and he could get into furious rages. My nana also didn’t have a good relationship with my DM in her 20s. But my DM always stayed fairly close to them re distance and always invited them around and went round to their homes.

That’s a really shitty & selfish thing to do to a friend- let alone your own daughter!
prioritising a social lunch over supporting your own daughters health needs is unforgivable.
but on MN we’re made to believe the current retired generations social needs are far more important than anything else & above any other generation. I’d be devastated if my parents let me down when I really needed them like this. When ppl are retired they have plenty of time to have lunch with friends- having an MRI scan for health needs (especially around looking after children & working) isn’t so easy to re-arrange.
but here in MN we’ll be told the retired/GP’s priority is to have complete freedom to spend 100% of their time focused on their own social life & looking out solely for themselves & sod anyone else in their family whom may need an hour or two support for an important ad hoc hospital appointment!
yeah id match this same mentality & thought to their needs. When they may need some support to attend a hospital appointment maybe you’l prioritise a friends lunch instead in the same ‘thoughtful’ way they did when you needed them

Why are you the only fool running after them. They sound absolutely horrible and so undeserving of a second of your time. What are you teaching your kids? That when people treat you better, you still run after them? I would become very much unavailable from now, stop all the invites and leave them to it

My own grandparents many years ago rarely took us out or had us stay over. Only a couple of times. However my step grandmother used to mind my brother when he had chronic asthma but for money. My own nana just didn’t do things like nativity plays or anything like that. Maybe it was a generational thing. As my nana got older I think she felt guilty for not being as involved as she could’ve been.

If you are planning to do little or no care for them as they age, you need to dial back on the level of effort you're putting into them now. This will let them know not to expect anything from you later on.

Sorry they sound a bit rubbish as grandparents. What were they like as parents?

There’s doing this and there’s being an arsehole. Didn’t you see the post about the MRI?

If they’re teens already then the ship has truly sailed to be asking this question. Everyone is set in their ways now so what are you expecting to change?

Well when they get ill or need a care home you’ll know what you have to do won’t you?

Our parents belong to the most selfish of generations. In many cases, they barely parented us, as latch key kids, we were raised fend for ourselves, with all the consequences of that.

My parents are the same with my children, OP. I am a single parent, I'm with my three children, alone, all of the time. I live 2 minutes drive away. According to them this was "my choice" and I am never to have any expectations of them. My parents are 64, perfectly fit and wealthy. My children are very well behaved and good company.

Recently I have lowered my hopes for them doing anything differently to zero, but also I no longer go out of my way to engage with them, as I used to.

They will reap what they sew, and I dont envy them. When my children are adults I will always be there for them as needed, this is what family should be, and used to be, years ago.

It's their pure self interest OP, and YANBU to be upset.

My PIL lived about a mile from SIL so naturally saw a lot of them, just about every day. My DC are the youngest of the gc and they told me "the novelty had worn off" by the time my first was born...which was a slightly bitter pill as a ftm. Although I think the second got a bit more attention because they were the v youngest in the family.
I invited them for christmas once but they said no because they "wanted a quiet christmas on their own"....but it turned out they went to SIL with a houseful of people.

However in older age and ill health, SIL and the GC that were most local and closer, are doing more of the heavy lifting.

My own grandparents died when I was a toddler so i had no reference or expectation

Even 2 weeks before she died my MIL was on the floor playing with my 4yo and 2yo. My mother however just sits them in front of the TV. Like you I’ve been let down with childcare. She’s desperate to do it and then makes more important plans, one time she even suggested she got a babysitter. I had to explain that her having the children was the childcare and if she was just going to get a babysitter I could do that (with one the children know because she works at their nursery).

Tbf my parents have always been very social and my sister and I spent a lot of our time at other people’s houses.

So they preferred going to the pub drinking rather than being parents? If they couldn't be arsed with their own children they certainly aren't going to be arsed with other people's children, relatives or not.

Match their energy OP, and don't change that energy if they suddenly need help in a few years.

Hurtful op. We had the same. I suppose you have to accept this is how they are. Its hard though. My mam never helped. No huge interest in them. Was happy when she got her college place she 20. Then moves onto next topic lol

I think it’s terribly sad for you especially as they live so close by and are in good health. So selfish of them. I am a doting grandmother and put my children and grandchildren 1st and foremost.

Totally feel your pain

They're 10% grandparents: they only like the best bits: meals, school photos and celebrations

It's the same here, op

I help out with my grandchildren, and also do as I please. Not working means you have loads of time to fit in the stuff you want to do.

Well that is beyond shitty behaviour from them. It really does show exactly where they place you and your dc as priorities in their lives, doesn't it? Their daughter's hospital appointment and need for emergency childcare help comes way below a nice lunch with friends-of-friends. I'm so sorry. 🙁

They've raised their kids now its time to do as they please

It's sad, and frustrating, but equally I don't think you can "expect" anything sadly - everyone has a different grandparent relationship and they're entitled to not help if they don't want to, its them who are missing out though. Some people don't seem to realise that you get out what you put in - your parents are clearly in that group. When they're very old, need help, are lonely or there's just one of them left, or when they feel disconnected from younger people, unfortunately your children won't have that deep rooted connection that will ensure they are there. You would all be well within your rights to do the bare minimum for them.
It's also really sad as parents when you feel how wonderful your children are, not to be able to share that wonder.
In their (very limited) defense, it sounds like they didn't have great role models (as you didn't see your grandparents) and at least they treat everyone equally. Possibly they just don't realise what's normal? My mum in particular had a bad relationship with her parents, whenever I suggest seeing her just for something fun, she acts like it's a very odd request! I have to basically bully her to spend a day with me, but I think it's just that she doesnt realise it's normal to want to hang out as a family for no reason. I'm lucky that they're happy to help out and be involved with the kids though, it's just socialising they're not up for (which I find sad, and I hope I spend lots of fun time with my adult children, if theyll have me).

Did anything happen to make them not want to help out? ie not received a Thanks, no calls from your kids ever?
Barring that why not have a chat? Ask outright if they've been offended somehow? Tell them a friend wouldn't leave a friend in the lurch in your MRI situation and you'd think family, your own parents wouldn't let you down like that. Ask why their friends are more important than their own children and grandchildren.
You must have the discussion or it will always eat at you. Even if you don't get a satisfying answer, compromise, apology, awareness from them, whatever, at least you will get it out in the open and you'll know clearly where you stand.

I've seen so many posts on forums regarding the same subject and never replied but this is my day.

Before you got pregnant and had DC did you chat about trying for a baby with your parents or just your DP/DH?

Did you remember to ask if they'd like to be included, and if so in what way in the upbringing of any future GC?

I expect many don't see it's anyone else business, including GP's if they want to have DC, and rightly so.....until those GP's don't offer child care then its them in the wrong.
Some feel their days of looking after young children are over and don't see past that, some possibly didn't even enjoy looking after their own.

Do your DC phone/pop in to see their GP without you?

While my DC didn’t discuss planning a baby with me they knew that once LO got to a year their mother would go back to work PT, a nursery place was found while LO was a few months old but how many days needed deciding so I was asked if I'd like to look after baby for one day a week, if so what day would suit.

I chose a day and have looked after LO weekly for 3 years, a few overnight sleepovers for Mum and dad to have a decent night out/lay in next morning and a daytime on the odd occasion if nursery is closed or LO dad had to work on the day he has them.

None of this was expected and they don't give a list of do's and dont's, unlike some friends DC have, we just go by how we bought our own DC up.