What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

It's absurd to "expect" anything from anyone. Regardless of who they are.

I wonder if they are repeating their own relationships with GP. Mine weren’t local but both of DHs were to him.
The expectation was he was to visit them on their own when he was old enough, do things for them, listen to them. I don’t think they were expected to be ‘interested’ in their GC.
Im not saying it’s right but I think a lot of people had a relationship like that. They never went out of their way to come see them.

I find that really disappointing and sad they are so uninvolved. I grew up with a gran and grandpa that were very involved in our lives. We lived quite far from them but often would spend a week or so with them during the holidays and then see them at Christmas if we could. When we moved closer to them I'd still have a sleepover when I was 20 odd, loved having that relationship with them.

I don't have my parents so my children never know them but they are very close to their grandparents from their dad's side. They have always taken an interest in their lives and even though two of mine are young adults they go and visit their nanny and grandad frequently.

I honestly think that some people think that a close family relationship is purely down to shared genetics. The idea that they actually have to make some effort in a mutual relationship or it will die doesn't seem to occur to them.

And can i ask why not?
Plenty of threads on MN encouraging utterly selfish behaviour imo (particularly around Christmas when there were plenty of threads where posters thought it was absolutely fine to leave (most likely) MILs alone because they wanted Christmas as 'family time'), cutting down on visits because they are too tiring etc.
'They're your children, not hers', 'They've had their turn', 'genrly explain we know better now' and so on .... putting yourself first is very much the order of the day now.
Why can't the courtesy of pleasing yourself only and having boundaries not be extended to retired people too?

Its hard however I met my friend today and the grand daughter is 2. Its full on. It would have been nice if my mam showed interest in the kids. They grown now so I dont need help. You lucky if you get good help.

It's very disappointing but you can't expect anything. My parents were the same. When I finally, quietly commented that we were not that close as a family, that they had never had DC to stay or taken them out for the day, or shown interest in their interests, my dad's eyes opened wide in surpise. He had always thought we were close, and it had never occurred to him that the lack of effort on their part meant we had drifted apart.

I will be having some lovely time to myself and no doubt spending lovely time with my grandkids but not 24/7

Of course you should have time to yourself and not be expected to provide fixed childcare. But the OP’s parents aren’t interested at all, they bailed when she needed an MRI scan and I think has said her parents are expecting help when they’re older.

I’m honestly of the thought of matching people’s energy.

I don't see it like that. Mostly our generation have our kids with us now till they are almost 30 years old. We get very little time to ourselves - they eventually move out and not long after have babies and then we're expected to continue (grand)parenting and looking after our elderly parents.

My generation left home at 18 (or earlier) - our parents had plenty of time to themselves, the grandparents didn't live as long or were put in homes (actually in our house the grandkids were expected to care for the grandparents until they went into a home).

I will be having some lovely time to myself and no doubt spending lovely time with my grandkids but not 24/7, drop everything - that's many steps too far and no worries about the threat of lack of the elderly care, the money we have saved will be well spent on providing us with the care we need, we wouldn't dream of putting that kind of expectation on our kids - we have seen what it does to families and we wouldn't do it to ours.

Until they’re elderly and want help from the people they ignored.

Nah sadly that seems to be fairly common among boomer GPs :( im aware there are those who are the exception but I see this happening fair often now

Why? It gives some people so much joy, my mums grandchildren were her life, they are so close to her as adults now and absolutely adore her. She still had a social life and holidays though

On hand 24/7 - whatever is asked. 😮Are you for real? I hope I have more plans in place than being this dedicated to being a grandparent.

For your own sanity, expect nothing. You’re a grown up, they’re grown ups, so you each offer the relationship whatever you’re happy to offer. If what they offer offends or upsets you, then distance yourself like you would with any other relationship that offends or upsets you.

You don’t “expect” a certain level of effort from other people. You see what they offer and make your own choices based on that information.

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel upset though. Just remember that you being upset won’t change their behaviour, so all you can do is protect yourself.

If I’m lucky enough to become a Granny then I’ll be on hand 24/7, I’ll do whatever is asked, I love my 3 DC and cannot imagine not being in their lives if they have children, I will find a balance of helping-like my wonderful parents did
I loved having my Mum/Dad around when my DS’s were young, my DM died suddenly when they were 6 and 3, my DF died 6 years later when my DD was 6 months .
They were so patient, kind and understood my children completely, it was a very special time.
I would love to be just like them if I have the chance, time will tell
Your parents have missed out, you can only try, definitely their loss, never understand this thinking.

It will be interesting to see what they will be like when they get ill and older.. you can't just magic up a relationship then when you have time for one.. My parents were active and involved with all 7 of their GC... they had their own lives too for sure but all the GC had proper relationships with them.. now they are older and more frail the GC.. all in their twenties text, call, make the effort to see them unprompred when in their home town and genuinely care about them.. I dont think your kids will have that relationship.. ultimately its your parents who will lose out and thats sad.. concentrate on your own family

They have their own lives! I’d absolutely never expect anything from my parents, however their choice was to be hands on grandparents! I find it strange that people expects grandparents to want to turn up to everything!

MIL is very much the same OP. They let us down most times they hinted at helping when our two were small, and she's never had any interest in their progress, successes or interests. My eldest is now 13 and I am quite confident she couldn't tell you what instrument he plays, what subjects he enjoys or what else he like doing. It's really heartbreaking, so I do understand how you feel.

(my mum was my exactly great as a grandma either, in terms of helping us, but she always showed enormous interest in the kids and wanted to know how they were doing, which made big difference, and my kids remember her fondly.)

Er, friendship has deep emotional ties! Grandparents probably have friends they've known for 50+ years, and been through a huge amount with. Friends are people we choose and love - these ties are the closest if all.

You don't expect anything, as they're independent people with their own lives, not putative childminders. If fit and well, this is the time when they should be making the most of hobbies, travel and friends...... as you should, when your retirement comes, OP.

I do think involved loving parents are more likely to go on to be caring, supportive grandparents. That's what I see in other families anyway. Also some parents I guess just want their (perfectly justified) freedom, with longer old age I guess there's more socialising to be done, more of a retirement to enjoy. But i do find my parents generation are particularly self-centred, not very interested in volunteering etc. Good luck to them, but, bridges have been burned. I'm not 100% they know my address now.

I feel this a lot. I'd really love to have family contact, interest or a willingness to spend time with. Sometimes I think it's them, but under that is a rejected, unappreciated child. I try not to give it headrace, but my parents were disinterested from the get go. Expecting anything now would be silly, illogical. But a bit of me does. The village is an absolute lie.

My dad is the same, only see him at Christmas and birthdays but it's what ive got used to, he's nearly 70 and doesn't like disrupting his routine so just comes on special occasions

So that means not supporting your child when they really need help or showing any interest in them?

I am sorry OP. They sound similar to my FIL and his wife. They live 1 mile away and see our 2 children (their only grandchildren) when they drop off presents at Xmas and birthdays, and maybe 4 more times a year (instigated by DH). Weirdly though they have bought loads of toys for my children to play with, they just don’t invite them round. They invited my eldest (2.5) round for the first time ever last month. My husband then messaged a few weeks later saying would they like to have her again and got a reply “we’d love to but sorry we can’t commit to anything right now”. They don’t have much of a social life so we don’t know why they don’t want to see her. Also my husband has had recent mental health problems which they are aware of, so adhoc childcare would give him a bit of a break but they still turned down his request for help.

When I first went back to work they said they’d like to look after her one day a week, and they cancelled on us 3 times in the first 5 weeks so we put her name straight on the list for nursery. When I was pregnant with DD2 and going for a scan we asked if they’d like to look after DD1 (we asked my mum to be backup) and they said “yes we should be ok unless anything comes up”. We haven’t asked them again.

Its been helpful to read other comments as I’m also of the opinion just not to bother with them unless they instigate it, but it’s not my father so easier for me to say. DH has been going to counselling and a key take away is that you can’t change other people, only your reaction to them.