My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

Stop dancing to his (ridiculous) tune & do it back to him. Ie select a random commonly used turn of phrase and accuse him of treating you badly in some way every time he uses it.

This.

However in the end my DH and I separated. I just got too hard turning myself into a pretzel asking for what seemed from my side quite reasonable straight forward things. I think in hindsight we could have saved it if he had counselling earlier. However he squarely blames me so who knows.

The fact that he is trying to explain his feelings and internal response is a positive though.

Things like this can be down to the tone and delivery as much as the actual words themselves

So what happens when you point out that it's not a threat, it\s a statement of fact? Will he be any happier if you don't give him any reminders and just go ahead and cancel?

I’m a bit of two minds on this. My DH will sometimes start to nudge in what I feel like is a bit aggressive. By nudge he mentions it more than once when I’m already thinking about it. I’ve said similar and probably a bit meaner in the past.

then I realize he’s not in my head and doesn’t know what I haven’t told him.

Not saying it’s right or wrong just giving a perspective.

He sounds like he suffers from demand avoidance ……I would try “CAN we organise the holiday asap SO THAT WE don’t need to move the dates for work and WE WONT have to cancel these suggested dates…..this way your asking him the question and putting the emphasis on you both doing the decisions making together rather than you needing decisions from him to stop it all falling apart.

Oh for heavens sake. Why is there such a palaver. If you want to go somewhere and he's just piss balling about with dates just book when is convenient to you and go anyway.

My partner didn't spend Xmas with me after I told him I'm got a great flight deal and did he want to come? He messed about , I booked flights, he got out priced so I went without him.

Strangely this year he seems to be more interested in plans

I think they're pointing out what will happen as a natural consequence. A threat is something that's nasty. 'If you don't pay me back, I'll be short this month' is a consequence, 'if you don't pay me back, I'll expose your secret to the world / punch you in the face' is a threat.

To be honest he sounds like an infuriating man child fucking about and then getting really defensive and accusing you of random made up shit when you get frustrated as a result of his shitty behaviour, so he doesn't need to focus on his behaviour. Like the type of man who accuses their partner of being 'controlling' when they aren't happy being left with their kids every night while the man swans off to his hobby, or the type of man who calls his partner a nag when she gets fed up of him swerving all his chores.

If he doesn't like the 'if' word, what does he actually want you to do. Asking him nicely to book time off doesn't work, pointing out that if he doesn't, doesn't work. How does he want you to approach it? mention it once and then mever again and end up going by yourself? Or calling his boss and doing it for him?

I guess you could frame it 'I'm concerned that we haven't booked our holiday yet. We really need to book it by the weekend to make sure we get the dates we want, please could you do it tomorrow so that we don't miss out'? (Rather than 'if you dont book tomorrow then we will miss out). Chat gpt probably has some ways of framing things you want to say in a more positive light. But I think I'd struggle to modify my natural way of speaking to pacify an over sensitive man baby so that he is shielded from perfectly normal speech in case it upsets him

Sounds like he finds being made aware of consequences threatening - he'd rather bury his head in the sand. You're doing nothing wrong but id stop being the grown-up and let him take accountability. He doesn't like you telling him what will happen if he doesn't make a decision. So don't tell him, and let him find out.

This is typical male DARVO, albeit a rather pathetic weaksauce example of the genre. When you phrase your sentences that way, it’s because you need him to do something - probably something quite basic that he already knows he should be doing - and you need him to understand why he must do it and the practical consequences if he doesn’t. You’re deliberately avoiding nagging by phrasing it this way, which tells me he’s been using that accusation to control you for a while. What he’s doing, with his little taboo on the word “if”, is closing off the only way you have left of placing even the lightest expectations on him. If you even allude to the idea that he should be doing something he doesn’t feel like doing, that in itself is nagging. So shut up, smile sweetly, and do everything yourself.

Are you happy with that?

After a few times of asking and hearing his nonsense about threats I’d just book whatever days suited me

Either - he is deliberately and maliciously keeping you uncertain in order to make you miserable, in which case end the relationship.

Or - try keeping your communication exclusively to "I" statements eg "I am feeling upset and stressed because of the uncertainty about our holiday plans and not knowing whether we can use the dates I have booked at work" - only talk about your feelings and about right now. Don't talk about consequences im future, talk about the way that the worry is affecting you right now but you can do that without your "if" statements.

What you have posted so far makes scenario 1 more likely tbh. He sounds a bit unhinged the way you write it. But equally, it could be that you are catastrophising a worst possible scenario by assuming that everything will have to be cancelled if he doesn't start talking specifics right now, when he feels that he has other priorities for his headspace right now and there would be no problem just finding a last minute deal the week before, and the real issue is the emotional stress state you get yourself into with that kind of uncertainty.

You don’t need to rephrase your wording. There is nothing wrong with it. If he has continually failed to do the one thing that will allow you to book a holiday that he says he wants, you are obviously going to point out that the holiday can’t be booked unless he sorts his leave out (or whatever the scenario is). If he says you are threatening him ask him whether he wants to go and how he sees that situation playing out if he doesn’t book the leave.

Or tell him to stop being such a fucking baby and take responsibility for his actions or lack of actions.

It's a form of abuse OP. He is trying to control your speech (and probably your tone) to disempower you and force you to walk on eggshells. Your self esteem will plummet until he has "trained" you, ie broken you. This is no way to live. Look up DARVO and emotional/mental abuse and start planning a different life, one where you are not jumping through hoops all the time, if not for yourself then do it for your child.

Just tell him not to be so ridiculous. That giving him a piece of factual information about what needs doing and why isn't a threat. And that you'd really appreciate it IF instead of playing the victim over nothing at all, he just sat down with you and got it sorted.
Seriously you really shouldn't indulge this nonsense. Its just manipulation to distract you from the fact he can't be relied on to do what he's supposed to.

Isn’t this reverse victim behaviour ie emotional abuse.

He deflects, attacks and then makes out he’s the victim.

It’s emotionally manipulative.

Gosh this is far too nit-picky! Sounds like you just need to know where you stand to make arrangements and he's turning it into an argument. I'd forget the holiday!

Is it usually difficult for him to be allowed time off when requested?

If not, just book the holiday. Tell him the dates he’s on holiday (all booked!) so he needs to book the time off from work.

If it’s usually a problem to get time-off (and not just because he can’t be bothered to ask for it) then you’ll just have to wait.

So he doesn't like to hear his actions / inactions have consequences??

It's not a threat, your explaining what will happen as a result.

Why is he dragging his feet so much?
Does he have ADHD or any other issues with executive function, where organisation is difficult? If so, he may carry a lot of shame around it especially if it's a life long pattern.

I'm guessing he does this with loads of stuff... Doesn't want to be 'controlled'. He won't change. But, if you want to stick with him, then you'll need to modify your language as it sounds a wee bit like 'demand avoidance' stuff.... So could say... 'would you prefer Rome or Barcelona we could look through to find some hotels if you like?

What does he say is threatening about it?. It’s not do this now or else, that is threatening. It’s we need to organise some annual leave from work to have a lovely holiday. Try different sentences.

And no it’s not threatening.

Agree. Just ask him what benefit is gettimg out of dithering.
Is it specifically holidays or is he a faffer full stop

my Oh is similar at times but not on all subjects, he has adhd. He can be completely organised for work, he works away all over the country. Can get all of that planned, where he’s staying, clothes, everything as I don’t get involved. Plus manages people as part of his job. Does all of that fine, but can’t remember (be bothered) to write it on the calendar . I went back to a paper one to help - or to tell me. He thinks that customers, managers, team, himself, his work calendar all know so I must do?

he is also not any good at getting things organised to do with me. It has caused a lot of hurt feelings and stupid rows over the years as at times I’ve been accused of nagging, I’m just trying to be organised, I’m autistic so need routines so it’s really hard for me to cope with.

I don’t know why people are trying to come up with alternative wording. His complaint that it’s threatening is patently ridiculous. Of course it sounds unfriendly you’re pissed off with him. I would probably respond with something like “You’re threatening the holiday with your laziness. Don’t get on your high horse because I’ve pointed it out.”