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AIBU?

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Original poster

My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

259 replies

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:14

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

OP posts:
LoftyAmberLion · 15/02/2026 07:36

I can’t believe I’m reading this. You aren’t allowed to use the word if???? Have you told your DH he’s ridiculously controlling???
And he’s impacting your life with his ineptitude and you aren’t allowed to confront him on that???
Yes i’ll say it - LTB

FairKoala · 15/02/2026 07:34

Start telling him you aren’t going to threaten him anymore and you will tell him what you have booked and he has the option of doing. The same

and then mention it again

disappearingfish · 15/02/2026 07:33

YANBU but it’s not going to change unless he addresses it. Would he be up for counselling?

ScarlettSunset · 15/02/2026 07:31

It sounds to me like he's doing it deliberately. It's a very passive aggressive way of trying to control you.

He doesn't want to do it but won't say that, or talk about it like a grown up. So he just doesn't do it. Does he also claim he 'forgot' a lot? Then he can turn it all back on you, like you're the problem.

It won't get better, it's how he is. You just need to decide whether to put up with it or not.

Moonnstarz · 15/02/2026 07:25

So the mention of PDA makes me think we always give children two choices, so can this work with your husband (although this actually sounds more threatening to an extent) - can you please make sure you have booked dates x-y off work for us all to go on holiday, or we will go on our own.

Frenchfrychic · 15/02/2026 07:15

Thing is you see it as a statement of fact. He sees it as you’re threatening to cancel the dates if he doesn’t do it. Both are likely accurate.

Sugarsugarcane · 15/02/2026 07:15

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:26

It isn’t threatening but it is an ultimatum and confrontational approach. He isn’t helping at all and I get you are frustrated but I certainly wouldn’t be responding well if I was spoken to that way.

Same, it’s the dynamic behind it where they’re not in it together, it’s not neutral discussion

tuvamoodyson · 15/02/2026 07:02

IcantFeelMyFaceNow · 15/02/2026 06:55

How can you live with this infantile total jeb end?

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He’ll be an ‘amazing dad!’

IcantFeelMyFaceNow · 15/02/2026 06:55

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:31

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

How can you live with this infantile total jeb end?

Catza · 15/02/2026 06:11

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 05:10

So the the ends up wasted and he still blames her for it?. So saying "if" is wrong but booking a holiday that she knows he hasn't booked days off for isn't?

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Why wasted? She can go on holiday with kids. What do you think is preferable in this scenario? Weeks of OP running around moving dates to suit him, chopping and changing or her asking once then giving dates and letting him be an adult and experience consequences of his inactions? The answer seems clear to me.

Randomuser2026 · 15/02/2026 06:08

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:26

@Isittimeformynapyet he says that’s a threat too. Anything where I’m ‘cancelling’ anything

Show quote history

The nice version is that you are triggering some primal wound here and he reacts badly.

Alternatively he’s just a cunt who doesn’t want to hear how his refusal to engage causes real life hassle for others. He expects you to operate on the timetable convenient to him.

Can he talk about it at all when things are calm? What would happen If you said “I hear that if statements are very threatening to you, can we talk about a way where I can give you the information in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack.”

ChocolateCinderToffee · 15/02/2026 05:55

It sounds to me as though he is controlling situations by doing nothing. For example, he doesn’t want to go on holiday so he makes sure none of you do. What a twat.

buymeaboaanddrivemetoreno · 15/02/2026 05:52

AlPaccacino · 14/02/2026 22:28

Just tell him the dares. If he doesn’t book his time off, then don’t book with him, just you and ds.

Exactly this!

EatYourDamnPie · 15/02/2026 05:49

How do you have the patience to put up with this shit? Honestly…

If you’re not quite at the dumping stage , just stop asking for his input. You tell him when and how things are happening. If he organises himself and he’s there , great. If not, you go ahead with your plans. No nagging, reminders or “threats”.

tuvamoodyson · 15/02/2026 05:44

Pryceosh1987 · 15/02/2026 00:30

Try saying but instead.

I’d try saying ‘you’re dumped’

Timeforchai · 15/02/2026 05:44

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:31

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

Maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man child ? It sounds as if this bullying tactic of his affects your relationship in general.
Does he have any good points ?

GarlicBound · 15/02/2026 05:42

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 05:10

So the the ends up wasted and he still blames her for it?. So saying "if" is wrong but booking a holiday that she knows he hasn't booked days off for isn't?

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You may have missed the point slightly. IF OP doesn't 'nag' or 'threaten' him, she expects him to co-ordinate his leave like a grown-up. IF he fails, he doesn't get to go on the family holiday. Natural consequence 🙂

GarlicBound · 15/02/2026 05:38

How the hell did you manage to get married, OP?

For that matter, how did he cope with your son's failure to await his approval before being born??

JustMyView13 · 15/02/2026 05:25

Well, if he can’t get organised, he’s going to have to make decisions. And if he doesn’t like that, he should be more organised.

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 05:10

Catza · 14/02/2026 22:27

So don't cancel anything. Book the dates, book the holidays if he doesn't get organised then surely he's the one who either scrambles last minute or sits the holiday out.

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So the the ends up wasted and he still blames her for it?. So saying "if" is wrong but booking a holiday that she knows he hasn't booked days off for isn't?

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 05:06

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:49

No it doesn’t make me unreasonable (not sure why it changed to me as this is the OPs
post). There are better ways to soeak to someone effectively.

I’m very reasonable thanks anyway…..

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She has tried to be nice for several weeks as he hasn't sone it. Eventually ahe has to let him know the consequences of his actions. I think she should leave him for her own sanity. Or just not bother adding him to holidays.

HelmholtzWatson · 15/02/2026 05:02

It's very passive-aggressive.

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 05:00

Catza · 14/02/2026 22:23

Does the "of" sentence help? Doesn't sound like it...

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So what would help?. It sounds like you do the same thing her partner does.

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2026 04:58

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:31

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

OK so you know why he does it.

It's meant to be hurtful.

To get you to put up and shut up.

Why wpuld you want to stay with soneone who pulls that bs?

The whole point of a partner is to have a nice person in your life for company.

This is just some knob who is straight up contentious of you. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Can you imagine growing old with this bullshit? Cause it doesn't get any better.

femfemlicious · 15/02/2026 04:57

Catza · 14/02/2026 22:20

Weird sentence construction which isn't exactly threatening but doesn't sound massively friendly either. Kinda like my ex starting every sentence with "make sure".
Why not say "could you please tell me which dates might be good for you".

Obviously she would have tried that!

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