My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

"it's not a threat it's a fact" and walk away. God why are your standards so low this is your life? Is it not exhausting?

I suggest you start going on your own with your DC, or with a friend/family instead on these holidays. Instead of waiting for someone dragging their feet

Maybe he will get the message then. And if not, you at least will have gone on your holiday.

It sounds to me like he's doing it deliberately. It's a very passive aggressive way of trying to control you.

yes, I'm thinking that too. either he doesn't want to do it and doesn't want to discuss it like an adult. Or he just enjoys the attention and that entire family's plans are on hold while the king of the castle decides if he can be bothered.

He sounds hard work 😲

It all sounds exhausting, to be honest. Tell him you will stop reminding him. If you've told him once what information you need in order to book the holiday or whatever, you won't remind him again but will just carry on to book it without him.

I agree it appears pass agg. And disrespectful. Enough to drive anyone insane.

What does he do at work when dates have to be agreed, e.g. for deadlines or project plans? Surely, people at work would say something similar: ‘If you can’t confirm the dates, I’ll have to cancel’. Or if his friends are organising something: ‘Let me know by Friday if you can make it. If not, I’ll ask John instead’. Sometimes, men are perfectly capable of organising things in a work setting but then claim it’s too difficult in their personal life.

It’s definitely not threatening to use ‘if’. It’s openly communicating the way forward you plan to take “if” someone doesn’t confirm by a certain date.

I’d be booking a holiday with a friend instead. If he wants to go on holiday with you, he can organise it. And no doubt you’ll be quicker to respond.

This sort of conversation is only happening after OP's partner has had plenty of time to sort whatever it is out and knows the deadlines anyway but is still doing nothing. If you were in that situation, and would regard being given a final reminder as confrontational, how could your partner communicate to you the simple fact that, if you don't do X soon, then Y won't be possible?

Just wondering, the dragging of his feet, does it normally have any consequences for him, or is it just you and DC suffering, cancelling and re-organizing?
Tell him 'I need to book the holiday we discussed by X date. Please let me know if you have your holiday approved by X-1. As I can't reserve the trip without you having the holiday approval, I will need to book on day X for me and kids.'

Don't get hurt OP get angry.

he sounds like a toddler. You give him ample time to get involved in organising the holiday and he loses track of time or just doesn't feel bothered about going away. Then guilt trips you when you try to discuss the matter.

so he's selfish and childlike, and possibly manipulative and controlling not good traits for a partner.

how is your relationship generally? Could you get along fine without him? What does he add to your life?

what a gaslighting man-baby. No it absolutely is not a threat to say that we need to do x, otherwise Y will follow. That's consequence.

This whole thing is just weird!

It's a very unattractive trait and not sometimes I'd put up with, especially someone accusing you of being abusive when you're actually trying to be decisive.

My DH puts things off. I have said "I'm taking the kids on holiday X week to this place. Let me know by X date if you want to come as I need to book it". I then give him the info and he decides. He is not keen on travel so I tend to go with me and the kids.

Christ I couldn’t live like this. 💐

It's NOT unavoidable though. Nothing stopping her going. Why would she have to cancel as I assume she had had the sense to book her own AL

I think own it. It is a threat 🤷‍♀️ Or the more grown up way of saying it is outlining the consequences of his lack of action.

What is this dynamic showing your DS?

@Canitgetbetter Are people with this really cut out for marriage and the responsibility of co-parenting? Is there anyone on this thread who could attest to that? If you have to pander to a spouse like a child it sounds like a quick way to kill the relationship.

No, they are not cut out for either roles.
Tbh, mine is diagnosed ADHD and I now know he would also be diagnosed with autism. This was my life with him. In the end I literally had to flee the home. He became increasingly unhinged. He now blames me for the divorce he initiated.

Look out for one tell tale: does he ever take responsibility for any negative consequences of his actions or inactions. If it’s a no( no pun intended) then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Relationships filled with conversations/arguments that leave you not knowing if you're up or down destroy your mental health over time. Imagine if you just didn't have to engage with any of his convoluted nonsense, instead of having to perform mental gymnastics to try to figure out what the problem is this time so you can appease him.

I’d be inclined to say that I’m going to be booking the holiday next week. Say ‘Please will you let me know by next if you will be joining us’.
If he doesn’t let you know then just book for you and dc.
I did this with my dh once a long time ago and he ended up booking his own flight a day later ( no flights on our day left) as I wouldn’t wait for him to make up his mind if he could come or not. He is still quite indecisive but if I say then I’ll go on my own it soon focusses him.

He needs to get a grip. What a petty idiot. Being disorganised and shit and then blaming you. Ugh.

Whether you decide to embrace the tautological challenge is one for you. I wouldn’t, I would also get precise. Cancelling a holiday where one person can’t make it, is not a threat. It is not a hostile action, it’s simply an unavoidable consequence.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to live my life like this. With someone being obstructive and then having the audacity to scream ‘you’re threatening me’ when you point out the problem. He’s the thief of joy.

That's not a boundary, because you are trying to control someone else's behaviour. And he is trying to control yours with his anti-if stance and refusal to co-operate. He's thus putting you in a double-bind where if you make a request he is 'threatened', and if you cancel anything he is upset too.

Boundaries do not rely on the other person, they are a line between what you accept in your life and what you don't.

So if you are done with his shillly-shallying on an issue, a boundary would be, 'on Friday, 'I'm booking the holiday for x, y, z date, so make sure you've booked annual leave if you want to come too.'

Then follow through. It will probably be the end of your relationship, one way or the other, but I'd have 'iffed' him off long ago.

He just doesn't want to deal with it so he's trying to make you stop doing it by saying this. I don't know why you'd find it hurtful, you know what your intention is, and really it doesn't matter what he thinks it is. The point is, you should never be getting to this point because he should be respectful of your time and need for an answer. I'd tell him he needs to listen and respond so that you never need to get to a point where things are about to fall apart and you have to tell him about it. A threat would surely be - do this or I'm leaving you. If he keeps behaving so childishly maybe thats what you should be saying!

He's policing your speech. Is eh controlling in other ways? Because that's a pretty big red flag.

I was in a relationship once like this. It got to the point where i couldn't talk without double guessing myself and thinking about what i would say and how. Even then I didnt get it right because he would change the rules arbitrarily and it always ended up my fault.

It's abuse.

Why are you in a relationship with a child?

"Threatening" is a strong word here given the low stakes, but you're putting an ultimatum so I guess technically he is right.

I'm not sure I fully understand the context, you've been nagging to do something regarding the holiday, but why can't you book it yourself? Why would you need to cancel?
The only circumstances I can think of where you would need to cancel the dates is if you've booked your time off and he hasn't. But it's not clear if that the case.