My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

Maybe they use all their mental energy to do it at work so can't at home. In that situation they should not be belligerent about it and realise where they are going wrong.

I think either @Whataa does this or just ends things. For her mental health.

My teenage daughter is like this and it's extremely hard to cope with . I'm praying she changes as she grows up🙏🏿

When you … the result is …
When x… the consequence is …
to make x happen, y has to happen first
now that x … what do you think is the result?
what do you think I should do now that y has happened?

My work says that if we don’t submit our expenses forms by the 5th of the month, we won’t get reimbursed that month. Maybe I need to raise a grievance about their threatening behaviour….

He's just looking to blame you for everything. Literally. I bet nothing is ever his fault in his mind.

Sounds exhausting. Go on holiday without him if he won't commit to dates.

Lean into it. It is a threat, a threat of a natural consequence that you’re pointing out to him. You’re not threatening him, you are pointing out the natural threat that exists as he seems to be ignoring it.

(Assuming that’s true as I’m not entirely sure why you need to cancel your time off with work if your plans aren’t finalised by a certain date).

Sounds manipulative. He won't carry out complete reasonable requests because you're 'asking him wrong'.

Yes, that’s exactly what I was saying. The PP was saying she wouldn’t accept being spoken to like that and I was saying that I wouldn’t accept the controlling behaviour.

Would you advise a man to express themselves more 'softly'? Just curious.

I knew someone would be along to suggest some sort of medical reason why the DP couldn’t get his shit together.

OP, I’d book your own holiday - maybe with friends or family - and tell him the details so he can either join you or not.

Presumably DP is an adult, has agency over his own decisions and can plan things that matter at work.

I could not be wasting time on someone who finds your reasonable requests as threatening. Using that word is done to shut you down. I’d be out of the relationship with a DP like that.

So you would end up saying to him, "I've cancelled my leave because we didn't book the holiday in time." Super😕

Classic case of tone policing. It’s a tactic used to shift the focus away from his behaviour or accountability and instead places the focus on your delivery, making you feel guilty or question yourself. As soon as he says you’re threatening him, the conversation suddenly shifts to whether or not you’re threatening and away from the consequences of his failure to make decisions. You then find yourself posting on MN about whether or not you have a threatening tone rather than the fact your DH’s indecisiveness is having a negative impact on you and your DC’s life. Sounds like he’s executing this tactic perfectly.

This is a good explanation of it and suggests ways to respond to your DH: www.instagram.com/reel/DUn6HYZDOCk/?igsh=MWVld2c2cGZ2N243ZA==

Honestly he sounds like a child.

LTB.

This.
usual question from me. What does he bring to the party?
and don't tell me he is/would be a great dad.

Funny, if someone is controlling by the way OP's partner is then I wouldn't tolerate it either. Being precious when called up on own constant really bad behaviour is disgusting. 'IF' is not exactly nasty or rude and to be frank is the least of their problems. The OP's husband is being pathetic and he really is giving her no regard or working as a team.

Could you just book it and go on your own if he doesn’t get organised

Either your husband has an issue like ADHD for example and finds planning/organising difficult/anxiety inducing or he's being deliberately manipulative to control you.

The wording you are using isn't unreasonable or inappropriate. You are merely stating facts, and giving consequences if plans aren't finalised.

None of us on MN know your husband, so we don't know if he's difficult in other areas of your relationship or not. Look at your relationship objectively, can you see other behaviours that could be considered controlling? Sometimes when we're in the thick of it, and emotionally involved, we can't see the wood for the trees.

He needs to get his head out of his arse and actually organise the family stuff.

you, OP, need to book your holiday time and tell DH this is the holiday time ‘book it’ then book your holiday. If DH doesn’t organise himself. Well, you go without him.

How does he want you to phrase it? As if he just organised himself, doesn’t sound like you’d need to say anything at all. I’d tell him that his lack or sorting his shit out means you feel like his mother.

In a nutshell!

He construes “if” as threatening? Time to leave.

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense.

So basically it's the age-old issue of a man needing to be told what to do but objecting to being told what to do because it's 'nagging'. YANBU.

It's not threatening. But sounds like you've laid down the line and are fed up. I'd be fed up too if lived with someone who can't organise anything. In fact, if it was turned around on me like that then I would probably start liking them a whole lot less. My partner can be like this sometimes, blames his lack of memory, for which I am understanding. Funny though when it's something he really wants to do he remembers and is organised just fine.

We shouldn't have to mollycoddle our partners to do basic things when they are adults. It's unreasonable.

Well I’d find your behaviour unacceptable and wouldn’t tolerate it, so I guess we’d be even.