My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

To the women posters who are bending over backwards to make this ok, do you equally parent your child, attend events and go on family holidays? Or rather do you have to be begged to? Especially @Hiptothisjive does your DP have to beg you to take over one child's clubs, or do you make sure that you are available and it's in your calendar?
These men want to be in total control, many don't want to be a part of family life. They can't even be arsed to turn up, when the rest is done for them. They want you to live a solo life, with the kids, they like the housekeeping, sharing bills and regular sex. If you split, suddenly these men will be arranging dates, meet ups and holidays for their new shags. Just leave them to it and live a stress free life without them. Just make sure you do threaten them first with the ultimate, ultimatum, shape up or ship out.

Ok, well, I couldn't live like that with someone who is supposed to be my partner. He's creating fear in you to get away with doing whatever the hell he wants and continuing to live his life on his terms, never taking responsibilty or meeting you in the middle. To be honest, I'd stop letting my life revolve around him - I'd try to engage him in conversation about thoughts on holiday destinations and dates and, if he doesn't commit, I'd book a trip for myself. This is likely to be the slow death of the relationship though, as the approach (of living separate lives) will seep into other aspects of life.

FWIW, I don't find the way you phrase things threatening or presenting him with an aggressive or confrontational ultimatum (the frequent words used to threaten women into staying in the tiny box others have made for them). Actions have consequences. If this happens, then this will follow. It's common sense. If you don't confirm dates by a certain deadline, the plane/boat/accommodation will be booked up. If you have to give a certain notice period for holidays at work, then if you miss that deadline, you'll have to push the holiday back. I don't know how else one could phrase consequences. Nor do I see why so many women bend over backwards to pander to child like men.

Tell him if he wants to call it a threat, that’s fine by you but you still need him to make a decision. You would rather call it a consequence of him repeatedly ignoring what you are asking him to do. I’d also tell him to grow the fuck up.

What about a situation that was time crucial and you have had weeks to deal with it but failed to do so?

The problem is he's found a phrase that shuts you up. You fold if he says you're threatening him. Tell him it's not a threat, it's an explanation of consequences, and that perhaps he needs to seek therapy to understand why he finds everything so threatening. Also, boundaries don't control other people's behaviour, only yours. If he continues to try to silence you, you don't have to comply.

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Im booking x holiday for these dates seeings you keep dragging your heels. No issues going without you.

Exactly.
I think his objective is, he doesn’t actually want to go on holiday!
So shuts you down.
Go without him….

Love it!

It’s not threatening at all. He’s just trying to shut you down.

He sounds a nightmare. Is the relationship really worth it?

I’d look at the relationship more closely if I were you- is the power shared equally generally ? He seems to be objecting to you being in control on this (booking holidays), but why is that so hard for him? Does he feel like he always needs to be in control? I think yes ADHD etc might make these things worse but I think it could be the culture and gender stereotypes where men are struggling with these power issues. But I think that’s their problem to evolve - not for us to tiptoe around more quietly, more softly just because we were born female.

My DH is like this it is extremely frustrating. I don't know how to make him commit but I think I'm eventually going to just book stuff or go on holiday by myself or with friends. The way you are wording it is not threatening. YANBU

Why not say "yes, I'm threatening you, pull your fucking finger out"?

I’m confused you said I didn’t talk about his behaviour and then directly quoted me doing so 😂.

Yes it is all about keeping score that builds positive communication and relationships. 😂

IF you stay with him he’s always going to control everything by shutting down your opinions/needs. Only you can decide IF you want to put up with this.

So true, explaining consequences to a child is taxing enough. IF you smack your sister, THIS will happen.
IF you keep delaying booking the dates off work, we’ll have to CANCEL those dates for the holiday as we’ll miss the cut-off.
Pathetic man-baby not liking the word “if”, grow up.

My DH is like that these days. Gets genuinely stressed out by planning things. Turns it on me I'm gaslighting him wtf!!!

I think it is ageing with ADHD to be honest with him.

It’s not threats it’s having to explain to him the consequences/results of his (lack of) actions. He’s behaving like an irresponsible child so you are having to explain it to him like one. It’s no different than saying “IF you add 2 and 2 together, you get 4”. Would he feel threatened by that statement? No - because that statement isnt pointing out something HE is doing wrong which is what he really doesn’t like.

he's controlling. you aren't allowed boundaries so he gets what he wants.

leave the fucker

Life is too short to waste being messed around by idiots. Maybe he doesn’t want to go on this (or any) holiday, for any reason? You do, so book it and go without him. Seriously, he needs time alone, and you need to stop tolerating his pathetic, petty whining.

Ah fuck this crybaby of a man, women are now having to gentle parent their own husbands? Fuck off!
If he doesn’t like “if”, try:
I’ve let you know what dates, I’m booking the holiday/day out/meal on Monday.
When Monday comes, ask H “did you book those dates off?”
If he is still stalling I’d just say okay, hopefully you can make it to the next one 😊 me and DS will go by ourselves.

Problem solved. No “threats”.
You’re not his Mum, or his PA, he can be accountable or he can be at home on his own.

You forgot to talk about his behaviour here. 'He isn't helping' isn't quite the reality is it?

I'm living this with my 14 year old daughter. Lord help me 🙏🏿

XDH used to delay crucial decisions like this - it was another form of control he could exert. Cost us about £20k in one house renovation project. Classic DARVO too.

He still tries it on with the (now adult) kids.