My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

I agree with above.

Also. It does sound as IF, as soon as you try to organise something he can derail the whole conversation by starting an argument about threats etc... leaving you so fed up that you walk off and don't book whatever it is.

I don't think changing your form of words is going to help. He will simply fault find with the way you are saying things again.

Its' just utter nonsense and he is condemning you to always be running around trying to put things in place at the last minute... Is he trying to save money? Just a very disorganised person? Doesn't want to go on holiday? Is just bad tempered and enjoys scuttling your plans. He sounds bloody impossible.

I think I would tell him... I'm booking the holiday for x dates. When you confirm your attendance and I will also book for you. The deadline is xyz.

But I think you might be booking the holiday on your own.

So what are you threatening him with exactly? I think I’d say I’m giving you the facts, this will be the outcome, it’s not a threat it’s a likely outcome. If it goes on, I’d leave him, he sounds exhausting. Tell him this, also make it clear it’s not a threat, it’s a promise

Totally agree. Men are on the whole are worse at this and often say what they want with little consideration. Women then pick up the slack unfairly and tiptoe around them and its horrible to watch it play out. But I do think in a marriage (unlike say a work place, or wider family relationships) both need to bring gentleness in the way they discuss things and work through problems or it just spirals into more strife. The responsibility for that is equal, regardless of whether that equal responsibility is recognised or carried out in that particular couple.

No real criticism on OP here as she's working with a very frustrating sounding situation. My comment was aimed to help her consider (and just consider, beacuse i wasn't there and dont know how she came across) whether the way she raised things could be less confrontational by wording differently. It sounds like that might be the only 'wrong' she could be considered as committing (and is so easily done when someone is pushing your buttons). I'd have plenty more to point out to him if he were the one asking and didn't mean to come across as implying she ought to take up all the responsibility for their communication struggles when his own behaviour sounds infuriating.

Tell him his lack of action has consequences that you're worried about it. You need to lock in dates with work otherwise you won't be able to go together. You are going to crack on with the dates in 24 hours. IF he's unable to organize in that time HE will have to accept if he can't come. Remind him he's an adult. Lack of action is a decision HE is making. IF he feels overwhelmed or it's difficult for a reason tell you now. IF he doesn't pre-plan this affects the whole family.

Yeah I get what you are saying but time sensitivity doesn't change how people should speak to each other even if very frustrating.

Fair comment. But I do feel men hardly ever put any thought into how they express themselves during important discussions, which imo leaves women bearing a disproportionate responsibility for communicating in a way that stops things going off the rails. I think that’s probably why I tend to jib a little when I see women being counselled to communicate in a specific way.

Within his family when trying to sort out issues without them escalating? 100% i would. The way couples express things to each when they're frustrated is so important.

Dont arrange your dates until he's arranged his. Just stop playing his game.

Yes, presumably because he behaves in this way a lot.

Good for you. This reminds me of a very manipulative family member of mine who likes to exert control by making people wait for her (among other things). I finally got sick of this and once said to her: ‘I am leaving at 10.00 to go to x. If you want a lift, make sure you’re in my car then.’ She didn’t believe me so I left bang on time without her. She didn’t keep me waiting again.

I like this. Add to it ‘Yes I am threatening you, what’s your point?’

You do sound too direct, you're probably not compatible. Have you thought about a trial separation?

He sounds like a whiney arse.
Assuming you wish to remain with him (which I wonder), just book the holiday and go. If he’s there, fine, if not, also fine (probably better!)

Can we please stop medicalising everything to justify terrible behaviour? OP’s husband is a nasty control freak with a very brittle ego. Why should we have to tip toe around these giant babies?

I get the feeling your standards are very low.

Oh Christ get rid, he sounds like an immature wanker.

I get the feeling that he disorganised to the point of being dysfunctional.

He's just using the same language used against him.

OP are you really going to live the rest of your life like this? Seriously?!!

Not read full thread, but what happens if you give him either/or choices to decide on eg:

I'm booking holiday. Would the week starting 24th July suit you or would you prefer the week beginning 15th August?

I get the feeling you say this sort of thing to him a lot. A one off wouldn't elicit that kind of response ftom him.

Do you have kids? Why are you living like this?

Not threatening at all. And don’t let him gas light you into thinking it is. The more you second guess yourself wondering if it is threatening, the more he’ll continue to pull you up on it. Tell him to stop being silly policing your language to this point.

It’s easy, when you originally book something make sure it’s something you’d happily do alone and agree together on dates etc.. then proceed. No reminders for him, no “nagging” just do the thing and if he hasn’t booked leave then he’ll miss out. Either he will be miraculously fixed the first time he FA and FO or you’re relationship will eventually end as you realise it’s far more fun doing your own thing without having to drag this sea anchor along with you!
This is similar to “if you don’t behave we will go home”. Only needed to take the kid home once for her to learn not to be a shit.

Jeez, I hate this word, but it seems to me that he's 'controlling' you and your relationship