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AIBU?

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Original poster

My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

259 replies

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:14

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

OP posts:
Trallers · 14/02/2026 22:59

He's right in a way as it is a threat of sorts. Depends a lot on how you're saying it too. But he's so fixated on the word 'threat' that he's missing the point of how his dithering is pushing.you to all.or nothing decisions.

You could try wording more softly (e.g. I think my deadline for making a plan for those dates will need to be March 13th, if it's after that I'll have to move the holiday dates to sometime in June) but he would need to meet in the middle too and figure out why he's a) so reactive and b) hard to pin down. My guess from this tiny example would be that you are trapped in a bit of a parent/child dynamic that you both resent.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 14/02/2026 22:58

Do you carry through the ‘ifs’?

101Nutella · 14/02/2026 22:53

its not ypu. It’s not a threat. I’d calmly explain the impact once more and then just decentre him. Just book other holidays or ones on your own, ones with friends and he can come to you with plans, then check your availability. The in between bit will make him understand the consequences of the actions.

Economicsday · 14/02/2026 22:51

Why are you with such a controlling, manipulative arsehole?

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:49

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2026 22:35

But that would make you unreasonable. Why would you want to be unreasonable?

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No it doesn’t make me unreasonable (not sure why it changed to me as this is the OPs
post). There are better ways to soeak to someone effectively.

I’m very reasonable thanks anyway…..

Dontbeme · 14/02/2026 22:41

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:31

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

Tell him you find him controlling and coercive as his refusal to engage with planning family time has created an atmosphere in which you walk on eggshells, and his ongoing avoidance of commitment is creating anxiety and stress for you.

Because you can both use therapy talk to justify being a dick. But it would just be less work to organise you and the DC and forget the dead weight of a husband.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/02/2026 22:40

He is pushing on your last nerve. Yanbu, he is.

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2026 22:39

VoltaireMittyDream · 14/02/2026 22:38

Because it winds people up on MN

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Ah. Thanks 👍🏻

Enrichetta · 14/02/2026 22:39

2 questions, @Whataa :

  • What do you get out of this relationship
  • Whats stopping you/ what needs to happen for you to leave
VoltaireMittyDream · 14/02/2026 22:38

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2026 22:35

But that would make you unreasonable. Why would you want to be unreasonable?

Show quote history

Because it winds people up on MN

Mysteise · 14/02/2026 22:37

Hey @Whataadoes your partner have demand avoidance, ODD or ADHD? Planning and pressure to commit to dates/times can cause anxiety as part of these conditions. If he has any of the above your ‘if’ statements could be quite triggering (obviously unintentionally on your part).

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2026 22:35

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:33

Yes

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But that would make you unreasonable. Why would you want to be unreasonable?

Evaka · 14/02/2026 22:34

He sounds like a mountain of hard work. I could not, would not be fucked.

BootleggedMaterial · 14/02/2026 22:33

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:31

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

Naaah don't put up with this.

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:33

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 14/02/2026 22:32

So if someone repeatedly asked you to sorry something out for weeks on end so that a holiday can be booked and you hadn't done it you'd find the sentence in the op unacceptable?

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Yes

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2026 22:32

Pp asked what the rest of the relationship is like. Is he a twat in other areas?

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 14/02/2026 22:32

Hiptothisjive · 14/02/2026 22:26

It isn’t threatening but it is an ultimatum and confrontational approach. He isn’t helping at all and I get you are frustrated but I certainly wouldn’t be responding well if I was spoken to that way.

So if someone repeatedly asked you to sorry something out for weeks on end so that a holiday can be booked and you hadn't done it you'd find the sentence in the op unacceptable?

Original poster
Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:31

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 14/02/2026 22:31

It’s not threatening FGS. You’re spelling out fairly plainly and unemotionally what will happen if plans aren’t finalised.

The thing is, he doesn’t care, because the consequences all fall on you.

And so he decides to go on the offensive about your tone and responds in a thin-skinned, petulant way to backfoot you and try to make you apologise and grovel rather than just cracking on and booking the fucking holiday like a grown-up.

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 14/02/2026 22:30

His argument would hold up if it was the first conversation you'd had about it but if you're having to have these conversations repeatedly and he still doesn't do what he needs to then I think you have little choice but to hammer it home to him.

BootleggedMaterial · 14/02/2026 22:29

"The lack of booked holiday has caused me to xyz"
"The consequences of not having a holiday booked is that I need to... "

Most peopl understand cause and effect by the age of about 5 - does he need help with this?

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2026 22:28

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:26

@Isittimeformynapyet he says that’s a threat too. Anything where I’m ‘cancelling’ anything

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OK. Well screw him then. Like pp said, go on holiday without him - that wouldn't be a threat.

AlPaccacino · 14/02/2026 22:28

Just tell him the dares. If he doesn’t book his time off, then don’t book with him, just you and ds.

Catza · 14/02/2026 22:27

Whataa · 14/02/2026 22:26

@Isittimeformynapyet he says that’s a threat too. Anything where I’m ‘cancelling’ anything

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So don't cancel anything. Book the dates, book the holidays if he doesn't get organised then surely he's the one who either scrambles last minute or sits the holiday out.

BootleggedMaterial · 14/02/2026 22:26

Can you say "in the situation where we haven't organised it, I would need to..."

I'm joking tbh, as I would not accept his nonsense. Use of the word "if" is not a threat. "If they don't have any ham, can you get cheese instead?"