My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

🤦‍♀️

If you don’t watch out OP you’ll be carrying him through life like a child.
He’s being manipulative by procrastinating.

You’re wet!

OP tell him you’re booking it and going without him if he doesn’t get himself into gear by the weekend.
THAT is threatening him.

Oh Dear Christ, surely life is too short for this silly nonsense!!

He is jerking your strings like a puppeteer, OP.
I've never known someone “ban” totally normal conversational & inoffensive words because they’re “feeling threatened”, it’s utter rubbish!

You are being controlled in a manipulative way, he thinks he’s outwitting you by not allowing you to use certain words… unbelievable!

He would be getting a couple of words from me he wouldn’t like…

The second of these words would be OFF.

Honestly I’d be asking him ‘have you booked your annual leave yet?’ I’d ask him every day for a week… then if he still hasn’t I’d book a holiday and tell him you’ve booked a week away without him.

Also this!

Yes, I wondered this too. However, he also sounds like a bit of a twat!!

Not sure about threatening, but it highlights there will be a consequence. Which is true, though, mostly for you.

Has he, can he, suggested a way for him that would work better? To get the desired outcome?

Go without him… 🤷‍♀️

I have this (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) in my family. My sister and my niece especially. DDad used to give my sister a lift to work and every day he was reduced to tears of frustration trying to get her out of bed so he started to roll off when the pips went at seven AM. She still missed her lift regularly but he stopped pandering to her at least and took some control back. Of course it was his fault when she lost her job!

He's either very dis-organised or he's passive aggressive.
That's draining.

If you have children, try couple counselling if not, file for divorce.

I'd give him a timeframe eg "these are the holiday dates available to me, can you decide when you want to go/see if you can take time off on any of those dates. I'll be booking something not this weekend but the one after. I just need to know if you're coming too or if it's just me and the kids. I'm thinking Spain or Greece, which would you prefer if you come?"

I’d say it’s more passive aggressive than threatening….

Greetings original commenter
I'm sorry to hear your partner takes you wrongly, or is trying to make you feel you seem like you're making threats 🫂
From your example you most surely don't seem unreasonable whatsoever
God Bless You 💚
To me it seems more like he's most likely, being reluctant to follow through on some responsibilities, which he either, can't be bothered to do, or feels guilty for forgetting to finish, so he diverts /projects his feelings onto you
I'm praying he commences to see the light soon & stops reframing everything as you being unreasonable or threatening
Wishing you all the utmost very best 💚

Lol, see I’m not the only one who’s done the ‘This is shouting’! demonstration.

These days, I tend to say: ‘I hear you. But, guess what, women don’t have to agree with men. So, suggest we agree to disagree’.

See, my guess is that he's one of those guys who doesn't want to go on a family holiday as then he'll have no escape from the parenting that the OP will very reasonably expect to share with him. For that same reason, he'll probably be fine with her booking just for her and their child, as that leaves him free to stay home and slob about to his heart's content. Win win.

No easy answer to this OP but personally I'd suggest exploring the idea of a holiday with friends who are single parents, or with family, if you're daunted by going alone and would like to share the load a bit. That and ditching this whiny manchild.

Really sympathise. He sounds like a total bell end.

thing is, it’s highly unlikely he will change, he doesn’t see an issue and his attitude is awful.

out yourself ten years into the future. Do you still want to be dealing with this nonsense?

You said the OP was strange, I said you were strange (in my opinion). So… equal!

That's nice for you. I was making a half humorous comment. But I'm glad you enjoy judging everyone else.

Well that seems ‘strange’ to me, like you’re dealing with a child rather than an adult! DH and I plan holidays etc together.

Strange. I just organise everything and inform DH of the dates. We'd never do anything otherwise. Can't imagine asking him!

@Missj25You could be right. He could very well be abusive. I don’t know the guy! I certainly don’t want to get into a bun fight. I merely presented a possibility to the OP.
Executive dysfunction, time blindness, overwhelm around perceived expectations and anxiety about committing can make scheduling things like holidays feel disproportionately stressful for those who have the conditions I mentioned. I know it’s hard to get your head around if you neurotypical. Avoidance can become a coping strategy rather than a power move.
I’m sorry you feel like “everyone has a condition” these days. But that is because more people are being identified and diagnosed than in the past, especially adults who were missed as children. That doesn’t mean things like ODD are suddenly universal it just means there’s better awareness.

🤦‍♀️

This is just a simple deflection technique.

Let's not talk about how my inaction is going to lead to an outcome which is both inconvenient and frustating for you. Let's talk about how my feelings are hurt by small detail of the way you phrased your statement of fact.

He doesn't care about what you are saying. He doesn't care about what you are feeling. He is only focused on his own feelings.

Honestly I don't know why you want to lead your life like this.

Guess OP's dh has found this thread.

It’s also possible that he does have a condition and that makes him exceptionally difficult to deal with because he‘s rigid and disorganised and perpetually defensive and argumentative, not to mention threatened/triggered by the expectation to consider anyone’s needs or convenience apart from his own, with no insight into his impact on others or why he should care. This is par for the course for - not all, but - a large proportion of adult autistic males.

That doesn’t mean that women should be expected to fall in and design their lives around not triggering these men - but it does mean that there’s just no point hoping that any amount of tough love or standing your ground or earnest chats about respect and boundaries and communication styles will change anything.

So the partner of such a man has few choices:

(1) abandon her own needs and identity, along with any hope she ever had for a genuine partnership, and accept a role as an acknowledged carer and PA who is considered at best a bit of a nuisance - if she’s thought of at all

(2) accept that the price of her holding on to some boundaries and autonomy will be consistently high levels of conflict in the relationship

(3) end the relationship (and drag her STBX kicking and screaming through the practical and administrative processes involved because he is too stubborn / disorganised / embittered / dysregulated to cooperate)

Are you?