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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not lend the money to ex

64 replies

Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 17:16

My ex, who we share a toddler with has asked if I could lend him money.

On Valentine’s Day! When the reason we broke up was he had a secret family and double life. Who he happily spent the holidays with. And the woman keeps sending me rude messages from different numbers (blocked her). He has also missed all of his CM payments. He has been “babysitting” lately, so we’ve seen more of eachother recently.

My initial reaction is no. But then I feel bad. AIBU for saying no?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 19:07

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2026 18:49

Why did he end up with the house, shouldn't you have had it?

Oh and don't give the arsehole a penny.

Ideally yes, but I can’t afford it alone. So I left as had an alternative place I could go that I could afford.

His name on the tenancy. We agreed it at the time. But I don’t mind.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 14/02/2026 18:54

Any difficulties he has are all his own doing Op, tell him No and mean it.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2026 18:49

Why did he end up with the house, shouldn't you have had it?

Oh and don't give the arsehole a penny.

Original poster
Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 18:45

I’ve gone through click and collect with HMRC. So I’m surprised that they haven’t just taken it directly from his wages. He owes over 800 now, and I’ve had letters saying that they are chasing.

Thanks for your replies. I actually don’t feel bad and fell silly for even letting an ounce of guilt get in!

I am working on myself and have a flat, thanks to family, for now where me and my son are. We were just renting so I left the house. He can easily just leave and move in with his ex - but she was apparently abusive. And he won’t live with her, which is telling.

Anyways him and her are not my problem.

OP posts:
Beamur · 14/02/2026 18:08

Hell no!

rainbowsparkle28 · 14/02/2026 18:07

Oh come on. Know your worth and have some self-respect. No.

sesquipedalian · 14/02/2026 18:07

So let’s get this straight. He owes you CM payments, but he’s asking you to lend him money? CF much? Any miney you have should be for your DC, not for your cheating wastrel ex.

HK04 · 14/02/2026 18:06

Plus if he’s no paying child support why give more money from your pot to his. It’s taking more away from your child. Sod that. He is a CF to even ask. Definitely a him problem to not be able to afford life and to have a child with 5 half siblings. You’re well rid OP. Whatever he wanted to borrow make sure and spend that on you and your child instead and enjoy every minute.

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/02/2026 18:05

Send him this

@Isitvintage is not a bank. If you want to borrow money go through the usual channels. While you're at it borrow enough to pay the child maintenance you owe me for our child's expenses.

HK04 · 14/02/2026 18:03

Absolutely not. That’s a him problem. Don’t be a doormat. He treated you appallingly.

outerspacepotato · 14/02/2026 17:59

You'd be stupid to give or loan him money at any time.

"Babysitting" his own kid? Do you feel like you have to pay him to parent his own kid? That's not how it works.

There is so much wrong here.

Your ex is an asshole. You owe him nothing. He owes you maintenance but has the fucking nerve to ask you for money? Tell him how dare you and time to fuck off. Have you filed through the system for child support? If not, do so ASAP.

His money woes are not your problem. He made his choices. His gf who is sending you abusive messages, tell him if that doesn't stop you'll file a police report for harassment.

If you're part owner of the house, it's time to force the sale so he can pay you your share. Don't lose out on home and child support because some dude cheated

Original poster
Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 17:59

B1anche · 14/02/2026 17:53

It's weird you're even asking this. Why would you do a favour for someone who has treated you so badly? Raise your bar!

I know. I don’t understand either, which in a weird way is why I went on MN. I know I should say no.

He has treated me like s**t. I really need to look out for myself and my son because it might be just us for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 17:56

TheCriticalThinker · 14/02/2026 17:35

Why does his new partner send you abusive messages? What has he told her?

Honestly I don’t know.

To summaries their child was born the year we met, 2019. When I met him he was living like a bachelor. He didn’t tell me he had a child. And honestly we spent so much time together, he has a decent enough job and was actually a very great partner. We spent covid together. And we’re always together after.

We moved in together last year, after an unplanned pregnancy. Last year is also when I found out he had a child and about the woman. It looks like he/she got back in touch after I had our baby as from what I saw on his phone, that’s when they started talking again and he was taking her out on dates and promising to be with her.

I spoke to her, she seems to think they are still togrther - but she didn’t even know where he had been living for the past 6 years! I’m also the reason he has the house as it’s a mates place who gave us a good deal.

Lastly, he chose to take her and her kids to his family over Christmas, and that’s when we officially broke up. Despite trying to reconcile for our son.

I honestly think he has spent the past year playing us both. I feel very stupid really.

It’s all been a very big mess and I don’t know what he is telling her.

This is her 4th baby dad afterall, so she seems like she needs help.

OP posts:
FloofyKat · 14/02/2026 17:55

Why are you even asking? He owes YOU child maintenance but is asking to borrow money from you? Beyond crazy. Just say no!

Ellie56 · 14/02/2026 17:55

Why would you lend money to a man who already owes you money for your child?

Just tell him no you can't afford to lend money as he's not paid his CM payments. He's a CF!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/02/2026 17:54

His only option is you? That’s appalling. What are banks there for? Or his family and friends?

B1anche · 14/02/2026 17:53

It's weird you're even asking this. Why would you do a favour for someone who has treated you so badly? Raise your bar!

Happyjoe · 14/02/2026 17:52

So he owes you money, and he wants to borrow? Urm. No. And his partner is a cow.. don't be afraid to report her just so there is a record.

Look after you and your daughter, that's all that's important imo.

Sminty2 · 14/02/2026 17:44

No. If you do, it’s a slippery slope.
You will never get it back and he will constantly whine for more because ‘you did it once’.
He should be supporting your joint child. Not you supporting his stepchildren.
He needs to learn how to be a responsible adult and father.
Please just stop.
You are obviously a lovely person and he doesn’t deserve anything.

TheCriticalThinker · 14/02/2026 17:35

Why does his new partner send you abusive messages? What has he told her?

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/02/2026 17:35

Sorry just seen you’ve left him and he’s in your old house, have I got that right? Then that needs to be sold asap. Get your share and he can go move in with his new love. He’s just experiencing the consequences of his actions, but if you are on the mortgage for that house, it might be a problem for you if he doesn’t pay it.

SpaceAging · 14/02/2026 17:35

You need to look at why you feel bad because you shouldn’t. Something isn’t right that you do and figuring out why will free you.

BudgetBuster · 14/02/2026 17:34

Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 17:29

Since I left he has the house and everything to maintain, and I know it takes up his whole salary plus bills. So I guess the financial knowledge I have makes me feel bad. @Howisitfebruaryalready

Good idea @BudgetBuster - can’t believe he has paid nothing. I’ve selected click and collect though.

BUT when he asked my first thought was “the bloody cheek” and “you shouldn’t have ever cheated if you can’t maintain your life” - the other woman has 6 kids so I know it’s a mess (1 is his).

Thanks I think I need to hear I’m not being unreasonable. I am doing counselling to work through everything as it has been such a tough time.

It's his fault he has the house to maintain... he cheated. He can get a lodger if needed.

He has 2 kids to provide for, one yours and one this other woman's... her other 5 kids are nothing to do with him so remove that from your mindset! They have their own parents to provide.

Your child deserves the CMS... It isn't for you, it's for your shared child. Imagine if you chose not to support your toddler like he's doing? CMS is calculated based on his earnings and a few other factors... so it's completely means based. He can afford to provide for his kids... he chooses not to.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/02/2026 17:33

Back up- he’s missed his CM payments? So he owes you money and asking to borrow more?

Original poster
Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 17:33

It’s true @Rhaidimiddim. For the past month we’ve been amiable- just texting and arrangements for our son after going cold turkey. So it’s as if he is testing his limits.

OP posts:
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