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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not lend the money to ex

64 replies

Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 17:16

My ex, who we share a toddler with has asked if I could lend him money.

On Valentine’s Day! When the reason we broke up was he had a secret family and double life. Who he happily spent the holidays with. And the woman keeps sending me rude messages from different numbers (blocked her). He has also missed all of his CM payments. He has been “babysitting” lately, so we’ve seen more of eachother recently.

My initial reaction is no. But then I feel bad. AIBU for saying no?

OP posts:
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BudgetBuster · 02/03/2026 21:27

Isitvintage · 02/03/2026 21:23

He has made ZERO payment which is so annoying! So the debt is increasing.

He has our child once a week, and whenever I’m doing something. He hasnt committed to stayovers despite having a big house which can host all of his kids!

I called CMS and they told me he has sent a reconsideration, so the application when from active to pending!! Which I’m frustrated about! I’ve opted for click and collect so that I don’t have to deal with his excuses and I don’t understand what they are considering. I thought they could take the money straight from his employer.

Show quote history

Sounds like he might have quit his job?

Original poster
Isitvintage · 02/03/2026 21:23

BudgetBuster · 24/02/2026 09:38

Has he been making any maintenance payments, given he was already behind, or is he falling further behind?

Show quote history

He has made ZERO payment which is so annoying! So the debt is increasing.

He has our child once a week, and whenever I’m doing something. He hasnt committed to stayovers despite having a big house which can host all of his kids!

I called CMS and they told me he has sent a reconsideration, so the application when from active to pending!! Which I’m frustrated about! I’ve opted for click and collect so that I don’t have to deal with his excuses and I don’t understand what they are considering. I thought they could take the money straight from his employer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitvintage · 02/03/2026 21:20

TalulahJP · 24/02/2026 07:59

i’d be unblocking the ex to see what she was saying as im nosey….

Haha so tempting. I do peak at her Facebook sometimes just to remind myself that he isn’t worth it. She posts pictures of them over now and then and her feed is full of him. Which is a mind f* for me, especially when I first found out.

But they are both not worth my time.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 24/02/2026 09:38

Isitvintage · 24/02/2026 01:44

It’s been way over a week and I’m very glad that I haven’t lent him a penny! And I don’t feel bad about it either. He really doesn’t deserve it if he can’t stick by his family (or families at this point).

Has he been making any maintenance payments, given he was already behind, or is he falling further behind?

TalulahJP · 24/02/2026 07:59

i’d be unblocking the ex to see what she was saying as im nosey….

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 24/02/2026 07:54

He made his bed he can lie in it.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 24/02/2026 07:51

Isitvintage · 24/02/2026 01:44

It’s been way over a week and I’m very glad that I haven’t lent him a penny! And I don’t feel bad about it either. He really doesn’t deserve it if he can’t stick by his family (or families at this point).

Well done, OP! 👏🏻 👍🏻

If you start to get a hint of feeling bad about saying no, turn that emotion into anger about the request in the first place!! How fucking dare he?!

Don’t loose sight of the bigger picture - he’s an absolute bellend!! Protect yourself and your child from him! Don’t let him drag you down with him!

Original poster
Isitvintage · 24/02/2026 01:44

It’s been way over a week and I’m very glad that I haven’t lent him a penny! And I don’t feel bad about it either. He really doesn’t deserve it if he can’t stick by his family (or families at this point).

OP posts:
PUGMEISTER21 · 16/02/2026 16:50

GatherlyGal · 14/02/2026 17:18

Absolutely do not lend him money. Valentines day or any other day.

Go ahead if you never want to see that money again. Neither borrower nor lender be.

Zerosleep · 15/02/2026 23:52

Are you crazy? Why would you lend money to someone who has totally disrespected you and been living a double life with another women and furthermore has not paid his CM which is for taking care and feeding your child? All I can say is if you do, then you are stupid.

Economicsday · 15/02/2026 22:03

Op, as a single parent, you have a long road ahead of you.
He really is a loser.
You chose to have this child and they deserve to have one decent parent.
You are it.
Accepting being treated so poorly means you are vulnerable.
If you are vulnerable, then so is your child.

Don't be one of those women who is used and abused by loser waster men, and gives their child a totally shite childhood as a result.

Wise up.
Harden your heart.
Toughen up.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to strengthen your boundaries.

You and your child deserve a good life.
It's up to you to make the choices that provide you both with it.

You can do this. Start with not entertaining this loser trying to use you for money.
What a loser.
Not even paying for his child, and trying to borrow from you while you do it all.🙄

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/02/2026 22:01

He’s a comedian isn’t he, daft fool. Be careful with him “babysitting” if it is in your home, he sounds like a friend’s ex, he stole her jewellery, the bonus is he never bothered with the children afterwards.

Pedallleur · 15/02/2026 21:59

Just no. You will never get it back and you will be seen as a soft touch/mug/cash machine. Tell him you've spent all your money on taking Mumsnetters to lunch and he can reach out to us for any money. Yet another CF out to make someone's life hard

Laura95167 · 15/02/2026 21:52

"Im sorry im struggling as it is without your maintainence money"

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 15/02/2026 20:04

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 14/02/2026 17:20

Why are you even questioning this?
No, no, no no no! If you can say no to him without laughing, you're a better woman than me. He's treated you badly and some babysitting stints don't make up for that. To be honest, he isn't babysitting, he's looking after his own child.
I wonder if his sudden helpfulness had asking you for money at it's back

This!!

HELL NO!! 😂😂 Is it 1st April?!

cocog · 15/02/2026 19:32

Of course not, He should be giving you money for your child not removing more resources from her home. Whole situation sounds toxic distance yourself from it he should be ashamed of himself for not paying for his child not asking you for money. Ring cms on Monday so he has to contribute to her upbringing.

Bumply · 15/02/2026 19:14

I leant my ex money twice.

First time was to tide him and his new wife over while probate for her father got sorted.
i got that money back (minus the interest he promised)

Second time he said he was at risk of losing his house (he was in a poorly paid job and not good with money) and wouldn’t be able to have the boys for his weekends if he lost the house.

He paid me back for about 6 months and then the payments just stopped with no details/excuse. By that time he’d also stopped his child support payments.

I was fortunate in having my own money and the loan was something I could afford to lose.

I only gave him the money because it made me feel good to be in a situation where I could do that whether he paid it back or not.

He did ask again much later claiming all the backlog of loan and child support would be paid back when he got his pension (from earlier, better times re his employment). I just laughed and said no chance.

Don’t be guilt tripped into lending money.

MMAS · 15/02/2026 18:53

You need to have your name removed from the tenancy asap

BookArt55 · 15/02/2026 08:05

Remember, he will try and break every boundary he can. Repeatedly. So make your decisions on 'what is best for me and my child?' And then write it down and try to ignore the guilt. You've put up with a lot from him so you need to break the cycle which us is so hard!

CinnamonBuns67 · 14/02/2026 20:51

Definitely don't lend him the money. It's a him problem and it also doesn't benefit your shared child.

Abd80 · 14/02/2026 20:32

Hell no !

Original poster
Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 20:19

Thanks for the tip @BudgetBuster ill give them a call on Monday.

@whereisitnow I have seen sense now.

OP posts:
whereisitnow · 14/02/2026 20:10

Are you mad OP?

BudgetBuster · 14/02/2026 19:43

Isitvintage · 14/02/2026 19:07

Ideally yes, but I can’t afford it alone. So I left as had an alternative place I could go that I could afford.

His name on the tenancy. We agreed it at the time. But I don’t mind.

Show quote history

Ah it's a rental? That makes more sense!

Seee how you knew you couldn't afford it and made a decision to move to something more affordable to make sure your child is cared for.... but he hasn't! That speaks volumes.

Make sure your name is off the lease at the end of the tenancy.

I'd also call CMS on Monday and chase them. He's way behind now and you could use that money for savings for your child, a nice holiday, put it away for Xmas etc. If you don't chase them, they won't chase him properly.

Silverbirchleaf · 14/02/2026 19:18

No, no, no!

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