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AIBU?

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I wonder if he's neurodivergent

59 replies

Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 06:58

I am dating a lovely guy (late 20s) - he's different from anyone I've dated before, he's very unique and his "quirks" are what attracted me to him in the first place.
But I am constantly overthinking and recently I've been questioning whether he's really that keen on me, as some of his behaviours have given me reason to doubt.
Then he mentioned in a passing comment that he thinks he might be autistic and a lot of things fell into place regarding his behaviour.

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has experience of dating someone who is neurodivergent because on dark days I question whether I can carry on when I am at times uncertain if he wants us to be together.

Some of the things that are making me wonder if he is neurodivergent are

His lack of previous relationships (one I think) and sexual partners (his inexperience is very obvious)
His lack of communication (he will not respond to messages for days - has commented that he is also like this with family & friends)
He can be fun and lively but then kind of depleted like his battery has run out
I instigate most of the intimacy (although he has on some occasions)
He says he needs time "to process" anything new that happens in our relationship (first kiss, first time we had sex)
He will often sit quietly in a different room not interacting and becomes very distant
He speaks openly about his past, life experiences etc but feels awkward when we talk about us/our feelings for each other

I am looking for advice because I don't want to get to the point where I call things off because I've taken offence at his behaviour (not messaging, being distant) if these are part of him and not red flags that he's going off me.

Any help or advice will be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 07:23

Thanks for your responses.

We've known each other for a year, been dating around a month and a half so very early days.

To be honest, no - the relationship isn't meeting my needs. I often feel insecure and like I'm the one making all the effort.

He said he's been called "weird" jokingly and "not romantic" in the past so I know it's not a "me" thing. The intimacy side can be wonderful and very passionate.

But even simple things like asking him to go out for a drink aren't met with a simple "yes" and it makes me feel like he's not bothered about me.

I wondered why such a good looking, lovely guy was single for so long but it's becoming clear.

OP posts:
ImPamDoove · 14/02/2026 07:22

It’s largely irrelevant. From what you’ve posted, he sounds less than ideal as a partner. Labelling him won’t change that or make it better.

Putthekettleon73 · 14/02/2026 07:20

I'm married to an autistic man and he's never made me feel uncertain about us. I wouldn't handle that. He makes me feel very secure.

As other posters say, a relationship has to be about both people feeling right regardless of brain types..

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/02/2026 07:18

It doesn’t really matter. His behaviour doesn’t match your needs. You’ll suppress your own needs because he can’t accommodate them and be miserable.

Onlyatnoon · 14/02/2026 07:16

Being Autistic isn't about having certain traits, it's a way of processing information that differs from neurotypical people.

It certainly sounds like he could be, but equally it's just as likely to be personality traits.

The true question is, does this relationship meet your needs? Does it make you feel secure and respected?

TheCriticalThinker · 14/02/2026 07:14

How long have you dated him for?

Ooihuko · 14/02/2026 07:06

I think you are asking the wrong question. It's not about his label.

Can you handle those characteristics? What do you want from the relationship?

99pwithaflake · 14/02/2026 07:04

If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable or uncertain then whether he’s autistic or not is totally irrelevant.

I say that as someone who is autistic. Please don’t force yourself to stay with someone who’s very nature makes you uncomfortable or awkward - it’s not fair on either of you.

Menopants · 14/02/2026 07:02

It doesn't matter. If he is making you anxious and uncomfortable you don't have to accommodate his behaviour