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Original poster

I wonder if he's neurodivergent

59 replies

Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 06:58

I am dating a lovely guy (late 20s) - he's different from anyone I've dated before, he's very unique and his "quirks" are what attracted me to him in the first place.
But I am constantly overthinking and recently I've been questioning whether he's really that keen on me, as some of his behaviours have given me reason to doubt.
Then he mentioned in a passing comment that he thinks he might be autistic and a lot of things fell into place regarding his behaviour.

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has experience of dating someone who is neurodivergent because on dark days I question whether I can carry on when I am at times uncertain if he wants us to be together.

Some of the things that are making me wonder if he is neurodivergent are

His lack of previous relationships (one I think) and sexual partners (his inexperience is very obvious)
His lack of communication (he will not respond to messages for days - has commented that he is also like this with family & friends)
He can be fun and lively but then kind of depleted like his battery has run out
I instigate most of the intimacy (although he has on some occasions)
He says he needs time "to process" anything new that happens in our relationship (first kiss, first time we had sex)
He will often sit quietly in a different room not interacting and becomes very distant
He speaks openly about his past, life experiences etc but feels awkward when we talk about us/our feelings for each other

I am looking for advice because I don't want to get to the point where I call things off because I've taken offence at his behaviour (not messaging, being distant) if these are part of him and not red flags that he's going off me.

Any help or advice will be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Isthateveryonethen · 14/02/2026 14:28

Sounds like a whole lot of problems for yourself. I would throw this one back op. Do you really have the emotional capacity to be dealing with this over everything. The relationship will be on his terms, if you have a problem with anything then it’s on you to ‘be understanding’.
if you have time and energy for that, then that’s up to you

Original poster
Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 12:15

I've been thinking a lot about things he's said which were basically very obviously about his ND and I just didn't realise.... I really don't want to end things because he's lovely.
I'm hoping that if I tell him how I feel we can move past this with a bit more mutual understanding.

Either way, I'll have my answer.

OP posts:
weareallcats · 14/02/2026 12:12

My dh is autistic and I recognise some of these behaviours from our early days of dating. What I will say is that, with hindsight, I can see that he absolutely doted on me, but it’s taken me time to understand his love language. Also, there is a LOT going on inside his head, behind his quiet and contained exterior. I am ND too, but ADHD - I am a very emotional, chaotic and energetic person and his quietness brings balance - we’ve been together a long time. We were both late diagnosed, in our 40’s. Don’t expect him to change - this would be masking and he should be allowed to be himself. If it isn’t going to work for you then it’s fine to end the relationship but tell him why - most autistic people like answers, leaving things unsaid will possibly mean he’ll dwell on it forever.

AutumnFroglets · 14/02/2026 12:02

I'm seeing him tonight and my stomach is already in knots

That is your answer. Run.

99pwithaflake · 14/02/2026 11:56

OP, it's been six weeks. It shouldn't be this hard Hmm

Original poster
Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 11:55

Thanks so much, your replies are really helping me to navigate this situation.

I feel scared to tell him how I feel in case I scare him off. But I also feel that if he's having sex with me he should be able to have a chat with me.
I'm thinking of saying that I felt rejected (last night he barely spoke to me. He did say he wasn't feeling great).
Maybe wording it in a message?

OP posts:
Bonkers1966 · 14/02/2026 11:44

If I had to put money on it I would say he is ND. So what? You count. Your feelings count. He doesn't have the tools necessary for an equal relationship. This may change as he gets older but that doesn't mean you have to suffer through years of learning.

Trundlingblind · 14/02/2026 11:25

The relationship isn’t working for you.

Fwiw, I have an autistic DC, and the behaviours do sound neurodivergent to me.
Also be aware neurodivergence is genetic to a large degree (in case you’re looking for a relationship where you’ll want children in future) and the conditions exist on a spectrum where some are severely affected.

99pwithaflake · 14/02/2026 11:18

This sounds like a lot of drama for a six week old relationship.

Original poster
Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 11:12

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I'm seeing him tonight and my stomach is already in knots wondering if he'll be sociable and affectionate or distant.

He has so many good qualities I actually felt very lucky.

The thing is, if I distance myself from him he either won't realise or he'll accept it and not try to change my mind.

OP posts:
OneOfEachPlease · 14/02/2026 09:31

He could be ND, he could be introverted, he could be shy or very insecure, he could be all sorts of things.

Its irrelevant. You need to decide if this relationship works for you or not, if not you can move on nicely.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 14/02/2026 09:27

I'm 5 years down the line from you OP and I agree with a previous poster: run.

PamelaJean · 14/02/2026 09:19

I'm not sure about neuro-diverse without an assessment or diagnosis but he sounds very introverted. I suppose it's up to you if you want to spend your life with an introvert. Lack of communication would be a problem for most people in any relationship. I however wouldn't mind someone that needed thier own space and wasn't that social as I'm similar. But would need to be able to talk about relationship stuff.

99pwithaflake · 14/02/2026 09:06

Themilkmanatnight · 14/02/2026 08:59

As someone who married an autistic man (didn’t know he was at the time) just don’t. There are multiple support boards for women in these relationships and these women are miserable.

The fact is lots of autistic men have autistic traits that make them unsuitable partners and which are hard wired into them.

He’s not even trying to adapt his behaviour to meet your needs. And he probably couldn’t if he tried.

People like to say, ‘it’s not the autism, it’s the fact he isn’t meeting your needs’.

Well it is the autism, it is his autistic particular traits. He is not choosing this, it’s hard wired and it won’t change.

Run away.

People aren’t saying “it’s not the autism” - they’re saying that the fact that he’s autistic is irrelevant.

If someone isn’t meeting your needs, the reason doesn’t matter - whether it’s autism, ADHD, their personality, whatever - it’s irrelevant. OP isn’t happy so she should leave - whether that’s because he’s autistic or an arsehole really doesn’t matter.

JacknDiane · 14/02/2026 09:02

You dont need advice you need boundaries.

Themilkmanatnight · 14/02/2026 08:59

As someone who married an autistic man (didn’t know he was at the time) just don’t. There are multiple support boards for women in these relationships and these women are miserable.

The fact is lots of autistic men have autistic traits that make them unsuitable partners and which are hard wired into them.

He’s not even trying to adapt his behaviour to meet your needs. And he probably couldn’t if he tried.

People like to say, ‘it’s not the autism, it’s the fact he isn’t meeting your needs’.

Well it is the autism, it is his autistic particular traits. He is not choosing this, it’s hard wired and it won’t change.

Run away.

Shamalama56 · 14/02/2026 08:52

Okay, so hes a nice person.

Hes also bad in bed and uncommunicative.

So....

Princessofgreyskull · 14/02/2026 08:50

CatAsstrophe · 14/02/2026 07:57

To be honest, no - the relationship isn't meeting my needs. I often feel insecure and like I'm the one making all the effort.

I say this as an autistic person (diagnosed) - whether he's autistic or not is irrelevant. He's not the one for you.

It's okay to end it @Jokethecoalwoman Just because he's a nice man, with some good traits doesn't mean you have to stick it out. Relationships aren't meant to be an endurance test.

Agree. Very sensible advice

Jackiepumpkinhead · 14/02/2026 08:48

If he’s making you feel like this so early on, I wouldn’t go any further with the relationship.

WasThatACorner · 14/02/2026 08:28

@Jokethecoalwoman what would happen if you had a conversation with him e.g. "I know you generally don't respond to messages for days but this makes me feel anxious / unwanted etc".

DW has Autism and while she can annoy the shit out of me if I explain that something is upsetting me and what would help to make it feel better she will adjust. If I just told her it was upsetting me though she wouldn't know what to do and would probably withdraw. I think it all depends on how willing you are to adjust your own communication style when asking for your partner to adjust theirs.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/02/2026 08:21

You don't have to stay with anyone Op, your relationship should enhance your life not make you insecure. It's only been a few weeks, you don't have to rush into anything

fouroclockrock · 14/02/2026 08:05

Maybe its all happening a bit too fast? In a month and a bit you are together quite a lot if you are spending enough time together that he is sitting in a different room and being distant and you are also talking about feelings.

CatAsstrophe · 14/02/2026 07:57

To be honest, no - the relationship isn't meeting my needs. I often feel insecure and like I'm the one making all the effort.

I say this as an autistic person (diagnosed) - whether he's autistic or not is irrelevant. He's not the one for you.

It's okay to end it @Jokethecoalwoman Just because he's a nice man, with some good traits doesn't mean you have to stick it out. Relationships aren't meant to be an endurance test.

99pwithaflake · 14/02/2026 07:34

If he’s not meeting your needs then he’s not meeting your needs - telling yourself it’s because he might be autistic isn’t going to miraculously change that.

Overthebow · 14/02/2026 07:30

Jokethecoalwoman · 14/02/2026 07:23

Thanks for your responses.

We've known each other for a year, been dating around a month and a half so very early days.

To be honest, no - the relationship isn't meeting my needs. I often feel insecure and like I'm the one making all the effort.

He said he's been called "weird" jokingly and "not romantic" in the past so I know it's not a "me" thing. The intimacy side can be wonderful and very passionate.

But even simple things like asking him to go out for a drink aren't met with a simple "yes" and it makes me feel like he's not bothered about me.

I wondered why such a good looking, lovely guy was single for so long but it's becoming clear.

It sounds like it isn’t working for you, which is fine, it doesn’t matter if he’s autistic or not. I don’t think anyone can tell from that list though, he could be or it could just be his personality. Either way you don’t want to be in this relationship so end it.