Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

@Bessap for the shouting (which we all do!!) they say the most important part is ‘repairing’ afterwards. So if he’s pushed all your buttons and you’re on your 5th conflict by 7.30am and you shout “will you just GET IN THE CAR SEAT” then when you’re driving along and you’ve had 2 minutes to breathe you can say “DS, mommy is sorry she shouted. I needed to put you in your car seat so you were safe and because mommy needs to go to work so I got frustrated. I love you very much”
that names the emotion for him, and helps to repair the relationship. Apologising to children, but explaining why you reacted the way you did is meant to be very beneficial.

also pick your battles - shows and socks off in the car? We have the same so he doesn’t have them on until we get there/if he takes them off so what.

inalso work full time (though do have DH so not your level of self responsibility) and sometimes I think my head will explode. We we are 2.5 and everything is a battle of “I do it” (but doesnt) or total refusal. I either bribe (the vitamin d gummies are good for this as a ‘sweetie’ to get in the car each morning), give two choices plus a 1,2,3 countdown or force him physically depending on the needs in that moment.
things to remember:

1. their tantrum is usually temporary. It’s horrible seeing them upset but it’s frustration more than a particular sadness/a ruined relationship. I was letting DS rule the roost for a while and he was just getting more and more unhappy because he had no idea what his boundaries were. Now I can see he has tantrums but if I hold the line he switches back to okay much quicker.
2. he won’t remember any of this. If you cuddle and kiss and read to him and tell you how much you love him. You’re all good. He needs stability and reassurance which it sounds like you’re giving him
3. ignore the people saying he’s in nursery too much. You need to work and you have a right to work. If he’s not misbehaving there and is playing with the other children i wouldn’t move him
4. i would slow down the weekends. I hate being stuck at home with my toddler, but I’ve found a real positive incline in behaviour when we’ve had a slow weekend together baking and pottering compared to action packed in and out of the house. I came to the conclusion he actually really loves being at home and playing with his toys and by dragging him out when he was away all week at nursery he was feeling sad about it. Worth a try.

My eldest could be really hardwork at this age. I felt worn down and then guilty as I was shouty and stressed mum.

I promise you that it does get better. He's 13 now and the best company - funny, kind, loving and helpful.

Honestly, sticker chart.
I bought one off Amazon when my DD was 3, it was like a whiteboard/magnetic one and she had to earn X number of stars a week to get a “prize”.
Reward based positive reinforcement worked so much better for her than threats or punishment (time out etc.)
And I would put on the most excited voice when she won a star and it made her feel excited.
I’d find a “getting dressed/brushing teeth” song on YouTube and use that as “quick we have to get dressed before the end of the song for your star” and make it really fun like a race.
3 year olds fucking love it.
Make it really easy the first week for him to win the “prize” so he sees the benefits of getting those stars.

Good luck OP, it’s so hard doing it on your own (I did too). I promise you he loves and adores you, that’s why he’s comfortable enough to terrorise you 🥲

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My son is going through the same stage right now and it is brutal. I think it’s been happening since returning after Xmas and also we have a three month old, so there are some big shifts.

But his meltdowns sound so similar to your sons. This week has been a bit batter so I feel a bit more robust.

I’ve found that giving him some space to calm
on his own helps, distract like crazy - suddenly turning silly or turning a task into a game. Star chart helps too, with choc buttons or mini marshmallows. He gets 3/4 at the end of the day if he’s had a good day.

Three year olds are brutal but know that you’re not alone. I’ve got a book called No Bad Kids which is good and I listened to a good podcast by Dr Becky the other day too

OP, it is such a hard stage! I'm also a single parent and have 100% care of my child so get the full force of the tantrums, mood swings, refusals to comply. I tend to go a bit silent rather than shouty though, stepping away for a few minutes, and then a quick ninja move to get that coat on, or shoes or whatever the issue is etc (on repeat about 20 times a day) or I do the half a biscuit bribe thing mentioned above. All my rewards are tiny (e.g. watching a 3 minute song on Youtube, a cracker, a bite of cake) but they get me through the day.

My ds is almost 3 and had the most astonishing 30 min tantrum yesterday, I was completely winded by it. He wouldn't let me comfort him, was hitting out and bawling for 30 minutes. Nothing worked. Eventually I just sat quietly next to him trying to compose myself until he stopped. Then we went out and I bought cake and coffee to comfort myself (he was napping). I can see this happening more often.

One thing to mention is that I know my dc wants lots of attention and needs constant stimulation which I can't always provide (I work too). He loves being out of the house. If I get my housework/ cooking done when he is asleep, I can be present with him and he is much better. He really craves attention even though I think he gets lots - yours might be doing the same.

He absolutely doesn't hate you. He hates the fact that he has big feelings he can't control or communicate. You are doing your best for him. As others say, this is a phase which doesn't last forever and he will keep changing.

you mentioned work has some financial perks, are you in a possible financial position / is it worth your sanity to get someone else to do the morning routine?

I know lovely nanny I use does a lot of mornings for few different families when need her, also have a toddler. Also been in tears this morning without being able to do the patient re direction techniques because I had nothing left to give to be quite frank. It’s been a blessing to have her wake her up and do the morning routine and out the door. I leave quietly while she’s busy with her, a lot calmer on these days. And our evenings have resulted in being much better. Because she’s on her better behaviour with this lady. It’s apparently the fact they let it all out on their main care giver because they feel most comfortable to do that. Add needing to rush out a door, and they’re wanting to do what toddlers do when they’re not in a yes mood.

is it worth an idea?

What do you expect the OP to do?

Give up work so her son doesn’t have to go to nursery?

Or spontaneously drop her son at his father’s who clearly doesn’t give a shit about him?

When mine were going through phases like this, it helped me to remember that this behaviour is developmentally normal. It does not mean that he hates you or that your relationship with him is damaged long term. He's just pushing boundaries because that's what three year olds do.

Have you read How to Listen so Kids will Talk and Talk so Jids will Listen? Some good tips.

Hang in there OP. It will get better I promise.

No. What he is learning is that no matter how tricky it is, you keep coming back. He can make you cry but you'll still love him at the end of the day, still cut up his little carrots and wash his hair. This is an extremely powerful message and one that will ground his entire life, as he knows he is unconditionally loved. He isn't learning that from his dad, either, is he. They do this as a developmental stage: it's why they're called threenagers. Then you get to repeat the process when they're 13.

3 can be such a hard age! And it sounds like you've got so much going on. It will get better, and your relationship with him will be just fine.

Accept that you hate it right now. It is perfectly OK to acknowledge to yourself that its a fucking dumpster fire and that you are NOT terrible for feeling this way. Don't fight it.

Just say its OK to feel this way and make some small adjustments to give yourself breathing room.

1. Get a sitter for a few hours and go for a walk/haircut/sleep
2. When you feel despair just talk to it. Sounds batshit mad but I say things like - fucking hell despair, I know you are trying to wind me up about the shoes/food but you aren't helping right now, so can we chat later.

Mostly just KNOW there is not a mother on the planet who hasn't felt like this at some point during their child's life. You are doing an amazing job.

Also, I promise that before you know it, your little mate will be all dressed up in his school uniform, cute as anything and the days of tantrums and shoe throwing will have passed.

🌻💐🌻

Don't stress over getting him dressed in the morning, pack his clothes in a bag, and take him to nursery in his pyjamas, although in my DS's case it was only to the end of the drive before he insisted on getting dressed.
You might want to allow a little extra time.

Oh sweetheart. You haven’t. And he doesn’t! It’s a difficult phase. This won’t last forever. Which doesn’t stop it being shit now!

Ohhh, I feel ya. 🩷
My oldest is now almost 4 1/2. For us, 2 1/2-4 were the worst. I think my parenting really took a nose dive, too, cause it all just wore me down so much.
Best thing I heard: they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.
I listen to parenting podcasts, too, and it helps me cope.

I promise it does get better, I look at my oldest and often wonder how that feral toddler grew up to be so kind! I’m now back in toddlerhood again and have to keep reminding myself that these days seem like forever but they do go by so fast!

For the carseat, the besafe clip has been a godsend for my youngest x

Ps I literally blow dry my son to sleep in my bed cuddling me
then plonk him
int his own bed

I feel for you I’m in your shoes with a three year old too. What helps me is finding time
to really connect and play for a few mims
mornigns an evening. It doesn’t stop
the tantrums but helps us feel more connected and enjoy each other in spite of them.

Wow way to guilt trip the OP @LoftyAmberLion - is she not supposed as a single mother to work to put a roof over their heads and put food on the table?

OP 3/4 is a tough age, in my humble opinion, kids need love and attention but if they cross the line in terms of behaviour then either they are tired/hungry or they need to have a gentle timeout and to be told when their behaviour isnt acceptable.

I wondered if things had changed for him. But if not, then no. Parenting a toddler is hard, especially without someone to share the load with. There were so many times when I could at least laugh about it afterwards with my husband, or have a bit of a break if I was at the end of my tether, and you can't do that. If it makes your life easier to give the odd bribe, or have the odd chilling session together, then do it. He just wants to be with you, it doesn't matter what you're doing

He probably does miss you and might be spending too much time at nursery. He’s only 3. And he has a father he would probably like to see more of too. He’s clearly unhappy with the status quo.

I also think he may miss you…
instead of meeting other Mum friends can you pack a picnic and drive somewhere remote and spend time just the 2 of you for a day? Saves money and tires him out.
Also, maybe give no choice for a while and when you reintroduce limit voice to 2, gradually increase to 3.
Don’t negotiate the non negotiables- he HAS to go to bed or he is too tired for next day. So just do story downstairs then scoop him up and change him and put him to bed. Sit on the stairs and return him to bed each time he gets up. He will tantrum initially but after a few days he will start to form a new habit.
sometimes think that age is like puppies, racing a head to learn everything, totally unaware of risk and consequences and if they are given choice get agitated be cause they want them ALL.
it will get easier and the mummy- son bond is always there.

Between the age of 2.5 and 3.5 years my child was in a bad mood for a whole year! Total negativity. The only thing to do when you are walking in hell is to keep on going(Winston Churchill I think) Your son doesn't hate you. One thing, don't give him too many choices. You probably don't want to hear this but my child is groen up now and we have a brilliant relationship. Usually things will start improving pre school. It will get better.

Two things stood out to me from your OP - he complains about not wanting to go to nursery, and you've split up with his Dad, so that's presumably a big change for him?

To be honest he doesn't sound very happy. My 3 yo goes to a lovely childminder (not a nursery) but they cheer every morning they go and beg me to go there on weekends (which is a bit embarrassing, but they miss their friends there). Do you think exploring another setting might help?

All behaviour is communication and id wonder if he's struggling with the emotions of his family splitting up and also maybe having an unhappy time at nursery (not all childcare is a nice place to be) and not being able to express it to you very well.

Personally I'd look around some other childcare settings and maybe get him to explore some/see if he prefers any others. I found childminders and nanny shares better than nurseries personally.

Also once he's feeling happier, you'll be happier too and everything will calm down again.

I also often have to wrestle nappy, clothes, face wash, car strap with an upset, tired little boy in the morning. I just do it as quickly as I can to limit the distress on both of us. I don't enjoy it but I'm less burnt out than what you sound so it's easier to not take it as personal or be reactive etc.
The lack of time outside of housework, work and parenting is a killer so that's what I'd focus on. Do you have any options like a parent or sibling that can give you a break? Or someone mentioned Gingerbread? Or if you can face it, tell Dad it's ridiculous to only be taking him a couple of hours a week and from x date, when he collects him, he needs to keep him to the following morning. And you be out at drop off time with your phone on silent. I know that's easier said than done but what's happening isn't a deficit from you but a symptom of dad not doing a fair share.

He doesn't hate you!! DS was like this (I was a lone parent) and is now an adult. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it's a phase and to just ride it out. Try not to react so much, i know its hard, but itll just make him worse. He needs to feel you are the grown up and wont be affected by his behaviour. Some things are non negotiable (eg car straps) but choose your battles where you can.
Adult ds is so chilled out btw, I'd say toddler was the most.difficult stage with him. You'll look back one day too....it won't last forever!