Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

Get gp to rule out something like a low level ear infection that might be bothering him. He might be able to kind of ignore it when he's doing something fun.

OP I found toddlerhood to be the toughest period of all. The newborn hell was a bliss compared to the toddler years. No logic, no reasoning, no chilled times, endless screaming and frustrations on both sides. I had the same fears as you. Trust me, it will pass, it’s just something you need to get through and things will get better. You just need to ride out the storm. I’m not sure I have any advice for you other than try not to shout at him and keep yourself as calm as possible. Lay off the punishments, your toddler is finding it hard to communicate right now and this is his way of asking for attention and reassurance. My toddler turned out to be autistic. For ages I was wondering if I did something to break him. Perhaps keep an eye out for any SEN issues (not saying he has any) and speak with the nursery in case they see anything unusual. It’s quite difficult at that age to differentiate normal toddler behaviour to SEN issues. Even if he doesn’t have any it sometimes helps to read about it to understand where the behaviour comes from and why he acts like he does. Sensory issues can really frustrate toddlers. I would recommend you look into it. Normal parenting techniques, not giving choices and making punishing don’t always work. Trust your instincts and let go of the “shoulds.”

If it helps, my son is now a super cool, very quirky and funny teen. Very smart and very loving. We have the best relationship and honestly I never thought things will become so easy for the two of us.

Keep your head up, it will get better!

…is the most unhelpful response on threads like this. Just lip service.

OP I would stop with ‘choices’. They just lead to frustration in toddlers.

Does he have sensory sensitivities? It’s sounds like physical pressure such as clothing, seat belts and being lifted could be physically aggravating to him, also being picky over food could be because the textures and tastes are difficult.

Do you recommend any specific ones?

Oh wow we are all in the same voat
i feel less alone!

the tantrums really wipe you out . Sometimes I’m stunned with exhaustion!

My 3 year old is the exact same! I had it with my middle daughter too at that age, she’s almost 5 and she’s an absolute delight now.

One thing that really helped with me was constant over the top praise. So any little think would be ‘ohhhh good listening you did so well’ ‘you calmed down and listened to mammy you’re such a good girl’ ‘you put a sock on what a big girl’
honestly the endless praise was fucking exhausting especially when they’ve been horrific and you just want to scream, but sometimes I could even catch her before an epic meltdown started by reminding her of something positive and then praising her for it.

I promise he doesn’t hate you, they don’t even have the capacity to understand that emotion at that age. It’s because you’re his safe place ❤️

Oh OP I absolutely felt like this - I’m a single mum and ex husband left barely to be seen again when twins were babies and a slightly older child. He also has never and likely will never have overnights. My boy twin sounds exactly like your son - he made life so miserable at age 3 I didn’t think I’d ever actually enjoy being his mum, he drove me to tears on several occasions. I can tell you things definitely improved when he started pre school - he still spirited and defiant but there’s more understanding on his part now - the big emotions that he didn’t know how to deal with at age 3 are more settled and I love being his mummy now (and I couldn’t say that 2 years ago) x

I was thinking the same thing.

hes communicating he’s unhappy and perhaps he misses you. playing up means he gets more attention or it’s an outlet for his big feelings.

i have the book No Such Thing As Naughty. Says they need 1:1 play to feel their cup is full

I’m in this with you.
you couldn’t have wrote it better.

single mum to ds 3, my son is a nightmare. Sometimes I have nothing left to give himZ

ive resulted to naughty chair. Mine has a speech delay so can’t say what he wants.

its so hard, I do often think what have I done.
but I love him so much.

Children act out the most with the person they feel safest and most comfortable with. He doesn't hate you, you're his whole world, he's just 3 and that means huge emotional volatility.

It's obvious how much you deeply care and love him from your post. You're not doing anything wrong, all parents of 3-yo feel like you do sometimes- I have a 3yo too and she does all that stuff too. It's wildly infuriating, more so when you're stressed out and overwhelmed.

I often find toddlers are a problem when you're needing them to fit with a shedule. What helps us is reserving a day where my objective is just to play with my toddler and enjoy it. To hell with balanced meals and sticking to schedules, just take the pressure off you both for the day. It'll help you reset.

Parenting is so hard because trying harder at it is not directly correlated to it getting better with a better outcome. Often trying harder just makes you feel more worked up about it not working.

You and your son sound stressed out and overwhelmed from trying to fit into the requirements of your life. Try some more time where it doesn't matter if he takes all his clothes off and won't get in the car seat. Might change the dynamic a bit. But if not, remember that he's like this with you because you're his safe place to act out, not because he hates you.

Have you tried a reward chart for the takings you are struggling with - getting dressed nicely etc? Might be worth a try if not. ^^

Welcome to having a threenager!!

So, little things can help - get him to choose his own clothes. Gives him autonomy and responsibility and he's likely to do it. Give him a choice of food- would you like such and such one such or such? Do you want to try putting your car seat straps on or would you like me to do it? What is the first thing you would like to do at nursery today?

Turn it into him choosing and you take away the fight against authority. The key is to give choices that get you your end result.

I hope that's helpful. And it's only for a short time. Good luck!

3 was the worst year for DD as well! Waaaay worse than 2…but 4 was better and now she’s 5 she can basically take care of herself…with the odd screaming match thrown in obvs! But that doesnt help at all when you are in the trenches… i wish you good luck!

Random suggestions (I have two kids and they both were at nursery aged 3 while I worked full time):
Both my kids had a tendency to get really exhausted from nursery at that age. Because they weren't in "baby mode - behave how you want to" anymore, but were trying to behave properly all day long, play nicely with friends, 'please and thank you' as you mentionned, and they were worn out. What helped was -
to take them straight home from nursery and have no expectations at home whatsoever. Just free play, cuddles, no choices about 'what they want for dinner', some TV, some stories...and at bed time I lay down next to them until they fell asleep.
Mornings I woke them up earlier than was needed, by about half an hour, to give them time to start the day slowly, so that it wasnt "go go go".
Finally, when your ex has him, thats time for You! Dont use it to catch up on chores...
It'll get better!

3 years old DS felt unmanagable and I honestly felt like I had ruined my life (as much as I loved him). Just hang in there, it gets better. It’s a tricky age and it will pass.

I vividly remember a fellow mum saying bitterly ' We didn't get the terrible twos but we're definitely getting the fucking threes!'
It'll pass. You're doing brilliantly. Most parents struggle at this stage with both of them involved.

His behaviour sounds normal to me, mine were also very difficult at this stage. My daughter had so many tantrums my MIL suggested she was possessed! My son was such a brat that friends stopped inviting us to their houses (they admitted later they found his behaviour so challenging).

They are both lovely adults now and we have a good relationship. I used to resent the phrase "terrible 2s" as for me it was terrible 2s, 3s & 4s.

Your situation is more challenging than mine was as I had a supportive husband. Nevertheless, it was stressful. I just wanted to reassure you - it passes. Your relationship is a tough one right now but it isn't ruined.

That's where your going wrong it's not games or fun it's things that need done regardless so you need to be a parent and say this is what we are doing let's do it and time out for screaming. Our youngest twins are 3 and then all they way to 16 and always been clear this is what we do this is how we do it, the fun and games will happen once it's done so luckily had no problems

Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. When my turned 3, oh my it was hard. It’s normal and no one really talks about it.

also the dad thing will be an issue he can’t express. Mine misses her dad all the time.

But these years won’t last, try and make the most of them as he will be 28 before you know it.
wishing you well.

When my son was this age, we had to take his teletubbie everywhere, and used to strap it in, it made life a bit easier, does your son have a favourite teddy? you could try doing the same, I used to say to my son “look teletubbie (i can’t remember his name the purple one), is sitting really nicely it kind of worked.

Oh bless you - it’s such a tricky age. They’re discovering that they’re separate from us and start asserting their independence, which can come as a shock when they’ve always been so biddable before.
I used to be a nanny and I’ve also had three children of my own, so have gone through this quite a few times. One strategy we were taught is to give two choices, so for instance, ‘Do you want to wear blue shorts or red ones today?’, ‘Banana or apple?’. For the shoes and socks you could try asking if he wants to put them on before he gets to nursery or when he gets there. Does he want to be carried into nursery or does he want to walk?
This gives him some control over the decisions, but also means that you get the desired result of him getting dressed, eating, in car etc.
It doesn’t always work, but I found it did make things easier and less confrontational. I remember getting a quizzical side eye sometimes when they knew they’d been hoodwinked!
It will pass, but it’s so tough when you’re in the midst of it all. As others have said, you’re his safe human and they always hit out at the people they feel safest with.

This is what l was thinking. Use some of the money from his Dad to pay someone to take some of the load. You cannot do it all. Nanny's usually manage these stressful times in an orderly way as they are not the main care giver so the child senses they mean business. You genuinely sound like a wonderful mum but trying to do everything by yourself every morning before heading into a demanding day and back for more is soul destroying. Do less activities with him at this time and pay someone to do the morning routine while you bang the door and head to work. Its only for a short whole until this stage passes. Kids sense when you are in a hurry and pull out all the guns to slow you down. Mind yourself.

I was standing with my mum while a friend was basically falling apart describing to her almost verbatim her two-year-old’s travails every day.
Mum said, “He’s entered into his Terrible Twos. It ends when they’re about 19,” and she turned and looked at me.
I was 20.
Buckle up, @Bessap
You’re in for the ride of your life with your ride or die baby boy.
In 10, 20 years you’ll wonder how quickly the time got away from you, although I know right now I know that doesn’t help at all.
Maybe keep a journal - write, or scream away every frustration, every last nerve, every 1000 NOs you had to say that day, but write that in black ink.
Write the good things in red ink - the kisses, every time he’s a good little boy, his favorite thing to eat, your adventures, what he looks like while he’s sleeping, stuff like that.
I hope things get better, easier for you.
Sending love from faraway ❤️