Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

It’s age and stage, I was a SAHM and we had constant battles so I wouldn’t blame nursery! Age 3 was the toughest age, not just tantrums but meltdowns of biblical proportions! Mortifying, especially in public! Life gets easier once they’re at school, it seems a long time away, however, the days are long but the years are short.

@Tangwystl knows what she's talking about.

Three = BIG (complex) emotions but lack of ability to verbalise what they are feeling. Hence behaviour that looks like anger (frustration) and tantrums.

Three = A strong desire for autonomy. The problem with this is they lack the skills to actually do things without assistance. They want to make choices, (not putting shoes on, taking them off when they should be on their feet). Three year olds want to assert themselves, but at this stage, their brains aren't developed to be able to do it in a rational way. They don't have the verbal skills to articulate themselves, hence the moody, shouty, strops... See how we've looped back round to emotions?

Every interaction with a three year old can feel like going into battle, but I promise you, it does pass. Your relationship won't be permanently damaged and he does love you. You are his world. He needs you (despite his internal protest).

Are you in a position to take some annual leave while your son is at nursery? A few days off doing nothing can do the world of good for your soul.

My angel baby turned into a demon at 3! I didn’t experience the “terrible twos” but three was a nightmare. Two podcasts/parenting people that got me through and helped me roll with it and be less reactive were Janet Lansbury “Unruffled” and Dr Becky “Good Inside”. They both have websites with good info too. There’s no magic answer and there can still be rough and difficult days but they helped me step back a bit from the emotions and get through it. Age 4 and up was a lot easier. Hang on in there

If you haven’t smacked him when he’s hit you or pulled your hair, you’re doing better than I did with DS1 at that age, over twenty years ago.

DS2 was worse in terms of refusing to do things and was still in reins until almost 4 as he was a bolter. Things get a lot better by 4/5. You’re in the trenches right now.

Chill out over the clothes and shoes - I wish I had. Save your insistence for matters of safety - car seat straps. Give him lots of cuddles when he’s ok, and try to stay as calm as you can when he’s not. And remember that the gentle parenting mantra about never shouting at your DC is ridiculous. The occasional shouting certainly did my two no harm at all (now 25 and 18). They needed it. DC who are very challenging and forthright need it.

I think my generation of parents was less concerned about some shouting because we were smacked as kids, so it seemed an improvement on that.

Three year olds can be foul little beasts, OP. Especially when you need to do something that's important to you but not to them - like get to work, not develop frostbite on the toes on the way to school, actually eat something that isn't 98% sugar, not set themselves on fire or fall out of a first floor window...

You're doing great. And over the next few months as he approaches school age, you'll see in between raging at the very concept of socks, he's becoming more engaged with the world and his level of understanding is increasing hugely. He's becoming a little person instead of a ball of unreasonableness baby.

I always found a no choice-choice worked better for mine, so if they didn't want to get dressed, giving them a choice of t shirts was an absolute disaster - but 'you're not putting that t-shirt on? OK, that's alright, you can wear pyjamas to <childminder> and get changed there, then, no problem' generally got her putting her clothes on - and 'please don't take your socks off, you'll get cold toes', 'come on, put your socks back on, stop kicking me, stop it - oh, OK, I'll have those', followed five minutes later by 'what's wrong? Oh, your toes are cold? Oh, dear - would you like your socks on now? There you go, warm toes!' worked pretty well.

I reminded myself regularly that around the 3-5 age range that they had roughly the intellectual ability of the average dog - and seeing as the majority of the rules I had for dogs consisted of not biting, not running off into traffic and not taking a dump on or eating the sofa, they weren't actually that much different in reality - the dog never argued about wearing his coat in the snow after one day, either.

Wanted to add again that the days that ds goes to aftershool club are the hardest. We get back at 6 and just have to do dinner bath bed quickly, but he is desperate for quality time and wants to do crafts or whatever, which there is not time for or he'll go to bed too late and not be able to get up in the morning. It's the most tense time in our household.

I think if you're going to get dad to do over nights he needs to pick up one in the week too. It's not fair you to have to always deal with that. If he takes your weekend nights, you're doing the donkey work of parenting and he gets to do the nice long bed times with no pressure.

That said his dad isn't being fair.. he needs to.tale.a turn so you get a break for a bit.

I work FT (big tech so flexible but demanding) and have a 3 and 2 yo.
I have a decent dh who does his share

Its very very demanding.
I tip my hat to you and want to say even by your own description you are doing a great job!

I'll be completely honest I think this is (totally frustrating) but normal behaviour and not related to his dad.
My dd is v strong willed.
I was fine / coping with it up until now (nearly 4) but recently I am struggling.

More and more interactions are battles and "unfun".

I do say in my head "they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time". A lot!

Clothes - say want to pick what youe wear? If he isnt into it stick some in a bag and drop them off at nursery.

For the car I use 'would you like a treat when you get home, then get in" (they get a small snack anyway I make it vaguely more interesting)
I also keep family bag of chocolate buttons for mini bribes (eg refusing to go to toilet before we leave, refusing to get in car)

I let her 'choose" the bribe...sometimes shes still crying but wants the button! Then its over.

I also think 30mins of cbeebies cartoons with a storyline to decompress wont do any harm

He's 3. They're all like Attila the hun at 3. It's relentless slog. Like this little ball.of pure fury at being little and not having much control.

I used to walk the legs off my 3 yr olds to tire them out. Yes it took ages but it worked. Especially if there were puddles.

It’s such a hard phase. How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen really helped me. Lots of picture scenarios so easy to refer to in middle of tantrum to remind myself what might help.

3 was a challenge here. More so than 2, the tantrums were of a different nature.

My experience is that you really have to use discipline at 3 in a way that you didn't at 2. Not disciplining tantrums of course, which the can't help and are at this age an overwhelm of feeling. Hunger, thirst and needing the toilet could also be big influening factors I found. But at this age they can also fake a tantrum to get what they want, especially if sometimes it works, speaking from my experience of struggling with discipline here. No must mean no and you can take them out of situations for bad behaviour.

I think it's quite likely as another poster said that he is acting out more to get a lot of your attention. This isn't a criticism at all because you presumeably must work full time as a single parent and you are absolutely doing your best by him. He's at nursery full time and with his dad twice at weekends, then you're also fitting seeing other people with kids as well, which is really good of course. I would imagine your also frazzled from full time work at the weekend too. This is not meant as criticism but just an observation, perhaps he needs more quiet time with you one on one?

For what it's worth most of the tantrums were magically gone with mine when he turned 4. Disagreeing and being difficult/willfull at times are definitely still present at 5 though!

I finally realized that a lot of my dc's twattery at 3 was hunger related. Yes he'd just eaten breakfast but 30 mins later he actually needed a handful of nuts or something

I don’t normally say this, but you do sound like a really good Mum.

You see how your nervous system is overwhelmed? Well thats how he is feeling too. He’s three. He’s starting to understand himself as an independent person and is frustrated by all his limitations and the rules in his life. And his emotions overwhelm him too.

You have to work and don’t have time for the endless conversations and tricks and negotiating, which are quite likely not to work anyway.

Only make a battle of the things you need too. Let him not get dressed/ take off shoes/ not wear a coat.

Mine would absolutely freeze without a coat, go blue and shiver. He still refused to wear one. In the end I just let him get cold. He’s still alive.

Despite all the parenting books I read, bribery and threats ended up as the main part of my parenting strategy. They work. Tips in parenting books required vast amount of time talking. I didn’t have time for that.

This is a phase. He will pass through it. He does love you.

Do make sure you don’t hold onto anger and do show him lots of love. When he behaves well tell him how much you have enjoyed being with him.

Im not saying give them no choices, but endless choices over everything they do just leads to frustration. I’ll ask my 2 year old if he wants a banana with his lunch, but I won’t consult him on what to wear that day. He would just select pyjamas then get angry he couldn’t go out in them.

It is so hard and you sound so worn out just now. Please try to ignore posters suggesting you’re doing anything wrong. What you’re describing is close attachment- he feels safe and loved with you so you get the brunt of his emotions. It’s so hard. Try to remember the C approach- calm, confident, compassionate are the main 3. It includes consequences too (for things like hitting). Remember you are the parent and what you say is what will happen. Mostly he will learn from what you model, so if you model these things he will grow up to be them!

These days are relentless. They still can not dress themselves and need so much support, but they are active and getting stronger.
I found the book 123 Magic helped with my first a lot.
See if there are parenting classes at yourlocal childrens centre, they also are good and supportive even though you are a good mum it helps to have some other perspective and support.
See if work will grant you some parenting leave if you can afford to take a bit of extra time off then this is what the leave is for.
Take some holiday for yourself while he is at nursery too, to reset, book a spa day for yourself or do somrthing you enjoy. You need to rest yourself as youbare exhausted and you need to also support yourself to be rested to deal with everything.
And if you can afford it book a break for you both. Find somewhere elwith a creche as well as it will make tbe holiday more enjoyable and managable but some time to reset for you both without the relenltlessness of daily life does really help.
Also potentially switching to a childminder might help rather than nursery. It may be a calmer more homely environment that he craves. Or even mixing nursery with a childminder a few days.
One day this will paas and he will be able to dress himself and it will be easier.

It’s a hard age. Have you tried simple sticker chart working towards a treat that they have picked themselves? Then try to focus on the good and every time they do the behaviour you want eg get dressed, get in the car, etc loads of praise and a sticker, don’t focus on the times they don’t do the behaviour you want just the good behaviours. So they are getting lots of attention for anything good they do. It’s a bit draining but often helps a lot.
The other idea is to read honey I wrecked the kids which has lots of ideas and parents often like the tone of it.

I expect that things will get better when your DS goes to school. I think English nurseries can be a bit too soft and baby ish for some children by the age of three who actually want to step up to a more structured day.

DD was a dickhead when she turned three, she was a tricky baby and then it just got worse and worse. She went to nursery in pants and vest more times than I care to remember because I just couldn't get her dressed. DS who was always chilled out was fine until he hit the fucking fours which was worse than being a threenager because he was too heavy for me to pick up all the time. He'd be walking round to nursery screaming at me, DH actually got stopped by a woman because DS was shouting for "mummy" so loudly that I think she thought he was being kidnapped. We did choices, picture cards, schedules, sticker charts - sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. They had and still have a stable home life, it was just a phase. It was shit, but it was just a phase.

I'm a big fan of going out but some times they do need a bit of quiet time and reconnecting time - could you do a couple of valentine crafts this morning? (Literally just draw some hearts and colour them in or stick things to them) Or have a good play with his favourite toys? Have a kitchen disco?

Both of mine had a personality transplant within about two weeks of starting school and they are fantastic now. You are doing a great job.

I’m afraid to admit i used to put on classical music very loudly, at home & in car. I found it helped me to ignore & just get on & focus on necessary things.
My offspring are all over 30 now, there seems to be no lasting effects or even memories!

I wasn't well for 2 months just as this stage hit and it was a nightmare. I found teaching him how to do stuff himself limited his frustrations and then bribes (biscuits, holding something he wouldn't normally be allowed to, extra tv) distracted him to allow me to do the other things. It does pass but be kind to yourself to help you get through it.

He doesn’t hate you.

When are these things happening? Is it worse when under time pressure? Some of it sounds like it could be a mild demand avoidance - usually pattern there is anxiety goes up, so the demand ‘get in the car, get ready for nursery, get socks on’ etc because too much and you get the fight’. If it is that the best response is to reduce the immediate demand. And first you have to spot them. On the wrong day a choice can be a demand. However…. Reducing demands is not always possible if you have to get to work and nursery etc by a certain time…..

Have a look at the other situations - so if it’s always in response to a demand, then drop any demand you can. When you can’t you could try making it more predictable so for example you could try write down a list giving all the steps - eg socks on, shoes on, on the car Get him to tick off the list as you go then sticker or some other reward (sing, high five etc) , etc at the end. (so once in the car). This is not rewarding bad behaviour - it’s supporting anxiety. And if it works - hey it’s better than a fight that leaves everyone exhausted.

If you want a list of pictures/symbols for routines you regularly get stuck with - with a box to tick next to each picture message me on here - will take me literally 2 mins to make you something and send it to you, it’s not a problem at all and I would be happy to do it.

Ofher things that can help can be to spot transitions - eg from activity to activity or car to house is etc and give him something to carry across the transition. We used to give my eldest son a small pot of grated cheese from eg house to car and once in the car he would eat it. Really helped transitions. But even just carrying a toy can help.

My youngest was very very shouty and screamy when anxious at home (at school/nursery the opposite- , too quiet) and I found with him telling him in advance what I expected was helpful and he would manage a situation. Once he’s lost the plot it was too late and I just had to carry him out. But 3 prob a bit young for that.

I didn’t spot my youngest son’s anxiety initially. I thought he was just a badly behaved nightmare, but once I understood what was happening and changed little things he did calm a lot. He just needed to know what was going on and have plenty of warning. He’s an adult now, sensible, responsible, independent, very caring. Tortured at family gatherings about his behaviour as a child!

Do drop me a message if you want me to create some tick sheets etc to try. Good luck, abs ge really doesn’t hate you.

I agree with you about choices. So important to give them choices so they can feel a bit more in control. It worked wonders for us.

My daughter turned 3 in Nov and the tantrums and demanding bahavior has got worse (she was already very stubborn!). She has also recently dropped her nap, so that really doesnt help with emotional regulation.
Could he need a bit more 1-1 quiet time? Being in nursery full time 5 days is a lot. Do you, or dad have any annual leave you could take over the next month so he just does 4 days or a couple of half days.

My toddler loves to be involved in everything, I get her 'helping' with dishes, putting cutlery on the table. Fiercely independent. She does push back with getting dressed which is often non negotiable as most of the time we are heading out the door. Reading books often helps to bring the rahe down.

Good luck, you sound like a very cating mum xx

I disagree with this, in my experience they don’t want to get dressed at all…
I hold up two tops and say which one would you like, suddenly after kicking off screaming they’re not getting dressed, they’ll put on the one that they’ve chosen because they think that they made the choice. Repeat for trousers socks etc.

yes it’s exhausting, but it lets them think they’re in control. And also lots of over the top praise as I explained in my previous post (sometimes behind gritted teeth)

Toddlers are BRUTAL I’ve raised 3 on my own 😴😴