Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

You can do all the research. Have a career working with children of all abilities and needs. Treat parenting like an exam.. . and still get one that you didn't prepare for or don't understand. But you'll get there.

My 2nd was like this. I felt like she wrecked everything- including her older sibling 's life! She clung. She kicked off; she wouldn't sleep; she wanted control.
I thought about leaving so many times. Sometimes had to just get out and walk/ drive, so i wouldn't flip
She calmed down around 6, although could still throw a monumental tantrum. She's a v v easy teenager and doesn't appear to remember the sheer stress of those first 6 years.

Omg I remember those days. When #2 son was three my mum refused to babysit for him for a couple of months because he was so awful! And my eldest was also just horrible, people talk about terrible twos but 3-4 was the WORST for both of them. For both of the starting school was a real breakthrough because they had so much else going on.

My two also didn't sleep much so I was exhausted and emotionally drained for about three years covering that period for both of them. DH worked abroad and wasn't really connected with them so I felt like I was doing all the parenting with no emotional support. It was a dark time just gritting my teeth and persevering - I don't really know how to do it any better, sorry!

It won't be any consolation for how you feel now but we all got through it and they are both now wonderful young men.

So sorry - haven’t RTFT but I didn’t want to read and run. I also wanted to suggest the book ‘How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk’. It might help with some of the behaviour stuff. I’m an early years teacher and the strategies are like magic. Could help with the getting dressed/ seatbelt/ tantrum moments. Sending strength.

it does pass but for some it takes shaking up your parenting from what you thought should work to trying something new. I have a highly sensitive deep feeling child who gets overwhelmed so all the ‘do you want blue shoes or red shoes’ just never worked for her. I was also’overpreparing her’ and overloading her brain and the health visitor recommended strategies like ‘now and next’ and also told me to stop trying to ‘logic her out of things’. Also I stopped trying to get places on time and started adding on extra hour for mandatory things like nursery so I wasn’t so stressed. Map out all your pain points and perhaps read ‘the explosive child’ or a similar book as honestly it changed our lives. Trying the same thing over and over just made an idiot out of me thinking one day it would just work.

I felt the same. This is partly why I have 1 child. It's hard work but it does pass although it feels like it won't. Now at 8 things are a lot better. I started doing more for myself and gave my lazy ex a kick up the arse. Tbh I used to ignore the tantrums. They wore me down.

It will get better. No one said parenting was easy, when you commit to it you take the good, bad, together, unlike marriage you can’t divorce.
Children are emotional sponges and are very good at reading emotions.
You’re feeding the negativity. He doesn’t know the rules, you need to teach him.
These threads are upsetting. Everyone says do your research getting a puppy but think a baby/child/teen will be exactly as they dreamed, when it’s not, adults sweat stress.

My eldest was so so difficult at 3. Wild with horrendous tantrums. I had to pick him up and carry him home under my arm screaming sometimes as he wouldn’t move/get in pushchair. Getting up and walking off while nappy changing and getting poo everywhere. It was awful 🤣

Just hang in there- he’s now an extremely chill 11 year old, clever and geeky and outgoing.

I had 4 kids as a single parent,all from birth or nursery age, I say this so you can appreciate I have been there.
IMO what works best is to take your own emotion out of it. A 3 year old is not trying to be an enemy he is being a 3 year old.
So he doesn't want the food offered, don't take offence, take it away. He takes his shoes and socks off, leave them off, into nursery without them(put them in his bag). Take nothing personally, he hits you ,put him firmly away from you ,say we don't hit, go wash up.
He is pushing boundaries, when he does comply make a big thing of it.
Think of it like a nursery nurse would, it's a job, eventually these problems will move on to other problems!
Good luck, your doing a great job, always remember that.💕

It’s so hard being the sole enforcer of boundaries and not being able to share the load with a second parent in the morning / at night. I admire you so much for doing this solo and it shines through that you are a great mum trying to do your best.

Everything you’re saying your toddler does is absolutely developmentally normal, he is just learning his autonomy in the world and having choices. Not that that makes it any easier to hear but my 3 year old does all the same things. If I’ve been alone with him for a day or two, I can be absolutely ready to thrown the towel in. It makes such a difference when you get some time to yourself to regroup, and I’m sorry his dad isn’t stepping up more to do that.

If you have some free time to read a book / listen to an audio, I really recommend ‘how to talk so little kids listen’. The pre chapter is a bit twee and some of their examples (two American authors), however there are lots of great strategies around how to use play etc to get actions done with your child; and phrases to use etc. It also helps you see it from their little self perspective too at times, which can help when you are feeling futile and angry that they aren’t listening. It’s definitely gave me some extra tools in my toolkit for parenting under pressure.

Do you ever get much time together just you and him in the house or doing something he would like? It sounds like you are very busy in the week and he’s either at nursery or with grandparents. Then weekends he’s with his dad, out with your mum friends or out shopping. He probably needs some dedicated down time with just you each week.

Terrible 2s.. then threenager... then fucking fours.
It's a tough time, but it genuinely does get much better after that.

Kids are little emotional mirrors (than continues even longer!) and if you are struggling and frustrated, then I'm afraid he's going to reflect that back, and it becomes a huge spiral.

Can you take a day this weekend where you 'love bomb' him? Slow right down, and remove all requirements snd timescales. Ask him what he'd most like to do - you can tell him this is a special mum-and-son day. Only do meetups or outings if he actively asks for it, and instrad spend the day 1:1 doing whatever he wants with him: playing and connecting. If he wants to watch some TV that's fine - suggest snuggling up whilst you do it. Force yourself to really get into whatever his current favourite game is. And tell him how much you love spending time with him.

Ideally do it today, so that you can see if it's made a difference tomorrow. You can re-introduce your routine, but keep trying to connect. See if it changes his behaviour: and also makes it easier for you.

If it works, you can introduce doing an hour or 2 of 'special time' each weekend.

I must admit choices have never worked here! The response to ‘do you want to wear your red coat or your blue one?’ would be ‘I don’t want to wear my coat, because I don’t want to go out!’ (Not phrased as articulately as that …)

So sorry it’s a difficult phase. It’s not been one I’ve enjoyed either. My DS is the same age.

some things that work for us (might have to mix it up depending how he responds)

5 minute advance warning backed up by Alexa, I’m going to do X then you are going to get dressed 5 ok? Or a choice, do you want to get dressed first or shall I?

control over what to wear - I remove all unsuitable clothes for weather and give him free reign. This can really work for weeks, if he wants to wear a favourite outfit repeatedly it’s not a hill I die on, I wash it overnight and he wears it again, makes the morning so much easier.

Hitting, rare now but there was a certain time during a tantrum you could guarantee he’d lash out. We had a time out spot I’d walk away, breathe for a few minutes then go back and explain mummy was sad, it’s unkind to hit etc, This usually ended in a cuddle and he’d say sorry. There’s also been warning or taking something away until he can be kind.

I wound up looking into magnesium gummies, I take magnesium for sleep and mild anxiety( perimenopause) I wondered if they existed for kids and turns out they do. I’m sure he’s better on them than not, definitely sleep wise which then impacts his mood.

We found things that start the morning right, he loves a hot chocolate first thing. Sometimes TV helps sometimes it doesn’t, I can say 5 minutes of X then we need to get dressed, but I’m ready to turn it off if it doesn’t work. The next day then is we get dressed first then you can watch X.

Bond wise honestly there was a time I questioned things in the height of lashing out and refusal to do anything. We had a turning point when I took time off over holidays and I planned daily activities from building den with blankets to puddle hunting to Lego’s, puddles, shopping just little pockets of 121 fun time. It’s as though it helped us reconnect after a very difficult phase, suddenly he didn’t want to go to nursery he wanted to be home with me that was a shock.
I make sure now when we get in, he chooses a snack, we chat, play, go for a walk, he chooses.

Sorry it’s a long reply, I just remember feeling so lost for very similar reasons and wanted to share what worked for us I hope something helps.

You sound like you are burnt out. Could you take some holiday or parental leave asap (or sick leave) and just go at a slower pace for a few weeks. Might just be his age and stage but if you are working full time and he’s going to his Dads a few times a week. Is he perhaps really tired which is impacting his behaviour or is it all a bit much for him, maybe if you had some time off you can really nurture him and just take your time with nursery drop offs etc and then he might feel more reassured. Also I realised although we are told to give them choices sometimes it makes things worse and is just easier when we say this is what we are doing/having/wearing etc. Sometimes they get overwhelmed with the choices and it doesn’t help the situation. Hope things get better soon and you feel better soon.

Hey OP I totally know what your going through - it pretty much sounds like what we deal with and my DS is 4. I feel like tiredness totally triggers his behaviour - he is constantly tired then has school. We have 100 meltdowns before school, doesn’t want to get undressed or dressed or brush teeth or go toilet etc etc etc. It is exhausting. We have had similar when he was 3.

For me I had a break when his DH was home but when I took him on holiday with my mum she said ‘I really don’t know how you deal with him on a daily basis’. I want to say it does get better - I am waiting for this myself but I have found as he is getting older it is becoming more manageable.

I have placements as part of my course where I am not picking him from school etc and I notice his behaviour worsens then. It can’t be helped but lots of praise and reward does help manage the behaviour.

Hope things go better for you and DS x

It’s not consulting them about what to wear that day. That would be giving them too much choice and impossible.

it’s about giving them a choice between two items eg two tops to chose from, so they get dressed essentially in what you want them to wear, but thinking that they were in control of it.

if I let my kids choose outfits no doubt they’d be in swimming costumes or princess dress up 24/7. As I say, it’s about choices and control, but the parent is still really the one in control.

Hang in there. Three year olds are arses. But it’s not too long until school and then things get a lot easier in my experience. You’re doing a great job.

Bloody little monster.
My DD is now 18 - from 2 - 4 she was appalling I really thought about abandoning her several times. In every picture of her at that stage she is scowling. She was utterly determined and unreasonable - like a small, blonde dictator.

Yesterday she cleaned the house, unloaded the dishwasher and made me dinner. All unprompted, she is kind and incredibly fun to be around.
I’m just relieved I didn’t abandon her now.

I'm sorry you're struggling but they're all developmentally normal in his stage of life. He'll grow out of it. He's not doing this to upset you.

A book I’d recommend is Hunt Gather Parent. The author went through similar with her child and the book explores how she improved their relationship. Mentions some specific examples you’ve talked about

You sound like a great mum so give yourself a break. We used to constantly be out visiting places, having friends over etc. Last year we moved further away so not out with friends as often - my son loves having slow weekends building lego, baking and some days going no further than our village shop! Dont underestimate how exhausting full time nursery is for little kids downtime is important xx

Hi @Bessap

im a completely single mum - no father in the scene and my DC graduated a top Uni last summer - it can work!
I also had a very demanding job and worked FT until they were 16.

You sound amazing and this is a tough time.

I'd strongly recommend the following two things:

1. Invest whatever you can afford in some practical help and support in the house - up your cleaner's hours, weekly shop delivered - anything you can do to give you free time and time to rest for you when child in bed.
2. PLAY with your son. Sunday morning or Sat don't schedule or rush, slow things down, get on the floor with his toys, bricks LEGO whatever he likes and ask him to show you his games. Do what he likes at HIS pace. YEs it can be boring. BUt what he wants is your time and attention and not to rush with no screens or phones.

I promise you the above will help. If I did this once a week, or even once a fortnight there would be a marked difference in DC's behaviour. Ask your EX does something like this too when he has your son.

when you get a break and he's with you ex - however short a time - do something nice and peaceful for you.

wishing you luck x

I can sympathise, I've always thought I'd be such a patient mum because I am in general steady and patient ... but being a mother showed me I just hadn't had my patience tested! For me it was more when he was younger, he's 2.5 now so I can manage most of his toddler behaviour but he's never slept through the night so I'm definitely a grumpier mum than I ever thought I'd be.

When my son is having a tricky day where its one tantrum after another, I found through experience that the more wound up and the more angry I get, the more he notices and it scales right up. Its dreadful when you spot their little faces looking at you with anger or confusion, but they're learning these feelings and expressions and will use them as they navigate their newfound individualism as they realise they have some agency and begin to experiment with it - to the detriment of our stability and peace!

Hang in there, don't let a tricky phase become so big in your mind that it'll colour your whole relationship. He'll change again as they all do, and you're doing a brilliant job working full time and being a lone parent essentially.