Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

Nobody has mentioned endless choices? Billy, do you want to wear the green or the red shirt today? Why is an unacceptable option like pyjamas available to him? He should be offered choices that make sense to the parent too.

I think it’s fair to say that not everything works for every child. Some kids (for various reasons) need to feel like they have some control over their life. It works for them and works for the parent. If it doesn’t for your child then that’s fine. Kids should learn to make choices from an early age and usually offering a couple of different options helps them to feel consulted and their opinions valued. It’s worked wonders for both of my kids (one autistic, one neurotypical). But if it doesn’t for you then don’t do it.

I feel like I could have written this myself! Ds was the cutest until about 3.5 years and then WOW it’s been such hard work. I do think it’s very normal but it is so so hard in the moment. Lots of my friends have said the 3s/4s are much worse than ‘terrible twos’.
My ds is now 4 and is slowly starting to re merge to his old self.

Sending solidarity. I would just say it’s not you, as think it’s just a very hard stage and some kids are just particularly hard work/strong willed etc. xx

Edited to say i’m married and dh great and very hands on so no I don’t think it’s you home situation in particular!

Try not to take it to heart, threenagers are dicks.
My three yo is such hard work. Whining, refusing to do the simplest task, meltdowns, hitting, biting. I've taken him to softplay / school run in pyjamas before now as the battle to dress him was lost and I needed to get out of the house for my own sanity.
I remember it with my oldest, he's 6 now, sweet, kind and doing well at school. At 3 he turned into a monster which I was gutted about as I wanted to make the most of our time together before school. Current 3yo is busy sabotaging our last months before he starts school in September 🤣. Its a tough phase but it does pass. Its exhausting with a husband to help so I can't imagine how you do it on your own. Can you take some annual leave, keep him in nursery and just take some time to yourself to relax / sleep / reset? Or can useless ex take his time in one block over the weekend to allow you a block of time to do something, it must be a nightmare juggling around short sporadic visits.
For all the posters blaming your home situation, I'm married to my kids dad who lives at home with us, and I work part time.

I can just remember how tired they get at that age. It's when the naps stop. Is he in nursery long hours? That means the nursery are getting the good bits and you may be getting a lot of tired.
Tired behaviour doesn't mean he's bad.It's literal exhaustion in which he can't employ any of the new skills he's learned, wants to.please but can't, and is unable to hear reason. They need comfort and to get to bed earlier rather than later when they are too tired to settle. I can remember reminding myself- don't argue with a toddler they aren't logical. I stopped trying to do any kind of 'sanctions' when I realised he was tired. There was no point, he couldn't respond.
A child can be developing a special need might not be anything but bear it in mind. It will cause more tiredness.
Don't worry what other people think in any situation. . Do what's right for him. You will get there.

They go on about terrible twos, to me that was fine but as soon as dc was nearly 3 the tantrums and crazy behaviour stage started. But that’s what it is, a stage, and does get better, just got to unfortunately weather the storm op. At the end of nursery and beginning of primary my dc had definitely matured and their behaviour was a lot calmer! It will pass

Coming from the most non confrontational and people pleasing person ever, I also have a 3 1/2 year old and I have learned to stand my ground, its shit, its hard.

I have the the whole "you put my shoes on for me , you put my coat on for me"

My response is if you dont put them on I'll take you to nursery barefoot!

If he doesn't like his food then tough, its what you've got, ive not made a vindaloo or liver so suck it up buttercup!

This stage is really hard.
I have a daughter the same age and an 11 month old!
I think if you can possibly try to carve out as much time for you as feasible and be intentional about it, that certainly helps.
You’re giving yourself a hard time; it might not be perfect but you really care.
solidarity - it will pass 🌺

It’s horrific. I remember meeting a woman with a load of children at the shopping centre and I asked was she mental. I only had one little child and my hair was falling out, really falling out with stress and exhaustion. I felt like I was dying.

You will get through this. Do whatever you need to do to make your life a bit nicer for you during this difficult time. You will find a way x

Ah the terrible 3s. Just as bad as the terrible 2s except they’re bigger and stronger and more able to fight you. I do feel for you OP. You sound like an amazing mum, remember you’re doing this on your own and you’re doing your absolute best for him.

He doesn’t hate you, he’s just lashing out because you’re the one closest to him. He knows he can’t behave like this at nursery. He’s struggling to communicate because he’s only 3 and he’s frustrated. It seems bad but honestly it will pass. And because he’s only 3 he won’t remember it, so don’t worry about having destroyed your relationship.

At that age I devised for myself 3 Bs of parenting - bribery, blackmail and bargaining. I found bribery to be the best as it was more positive and rewarded good behaviour, but the other 2 got deployed if bribery failed. And when he’s calm talk to him about his behaviour, praise him, and tell him how much nicer things are when you’re both nice to each other.

Hang on in there OP. Remember none of these stages last forever.

3 is a tough age, they're really hard work but like others have said it WILL get better

No advice but solidarity. My dd is three in a few weeks and she is such hard work. I love her to pieces but she wakes me up all night to cuddle even though im trying to feed baby ds and screams the house down. She screams and tantrums multiple times a day over every little thing from me blinking too loudly to i turned a light on without psychically realising shw wanted to turn the light on. Its relentless and exhausting and i often find myself regretting becoming a mother.

That sounds really tough OP and its shit you don't get a break.

It does get a bit easier as they get older and more understanding.

Agree with PP,

• pick your battles and ignore the small stuff like taking stuff off in the car
• take snacks/ a distraction for when you know he is more likely to kick off
• talk about expectations beforehand, that you'd like him to get in the car without arguing and how proud you'll be of him if he can do that
• give choices, what music would you like to play in the car etc so he feels a bit more in control
• make things into a game if you can, you're both going to try and get dressed and the one to get dressed first 'wins'
• say no in a positive way, like he wants to play with lego not go to nursery don't say 'no' say great idea, you can play after nursery, shall you leave it out so he can get to it as soon as he gets back in

Ultimately though I know that doing all this is really really hard when you're at the end of your tether. Is it worth looking at a babysitter? Maybe one of the people at nursery? As if you're working and caring for him it sounds like you rarely get chance to just chill

I do think the difference between 3 and 4-5 is huge though. I remember going away with my 4.5 year old on holiday and coming back thinking that was the first holiday that we'd all actually enjoyed that didn't just feel like a lot of work

My horrible 2 year old is now the kindest 9 year old, it gets better x

I'd recommend reading Hunt, Gather, Parent by Dr Michaeleen Doucleff. It gives lots of good strategies that I honestly haven't seen in other parenting books.

I don’t understand comments like these on MN. People need to work in order to have a home, food, pay bills + eveeything else. Work is not optional. Especially as a single parent. How do you expect the OP to put a roof on her son’s head?

You sound like a lovely mum OP! I have so much respect for you and all single mums 🙌 it must be so so difficult to crack on without a break or being able to share the parenting responsibilities. I'm taking my hat off to you!

I have found choices really help my (nearly 3) DD accept that something has to happen, it makes her feel she has autonomy over the situation. So I won't tell her she has to put a coat on, I will say which coat are we putting on now, the yellow one or the blue one? Are you going to eat your tea with your spoon or your fork or both? Do you want me to help you brush your teeth slowly or really quick brushing? It doesn't work every time but it has definitely helped me!

I also lost my head with battles to get into the car seat/straps and have resorted to cracker bribes. Probably not the best parenting but my back was so sore and I could feel myself losing my temper about it, especially when we're in a rush. I keep a little tub of mini crackers in the footwell and if she gets in nicely she gets one. If she dicks about then no cracker which after a couple of screaming tantrums doesn't really happen anymore.

I also just wanted to say that he doesn't hate you and will grow up to see everything you have done for him, you will be his hero ❤

Oh OP, try not to beat yourself, and please try to take some comfort in everyone’s reassurances. I know when you’re in the midst of these trying phases, it feels like it’s deeply personal and also like it’s never going to end. It feels tough because it is tough, but that’s no reflection on you or your parenting skills, it’s just your DS learning he has his own mind and can say no to things.

I really remember having a conversation about something like this with my Dad when my kids were little, and he pointed out that kids live in the moment. Your DD doesn’t think you’re a terrible parent annyway and he definitely won’t remember this at all as he gets older anyway.

In the short-term, is there anyone who can give you a bit of respite? Not taking him off your hands so that you can work, and not a few hours here and then when it suits them, but a day or two off because 3 year olds are intense and you need to keep your batteries topped up to be the best version of you? It sounds like you’d feel a whole lot better if you could get this kind of support occasionally - even if it’s a childminder/nanny who helps out

I'd stop facilitating this ridiculous seeing his dad a couple of times every weekend but never overnight, thing. That's incredibly disruptive for a young child and not in his best interests. Sorry your ex is such a lazy non-dad. Once at the weekend for a more sustained period of time. That also allows you more sustained time without it being so broken up. If ex doesn't like this, he can take you to court for a proper arrangement that is actually in your child's interests.

3 year old's are little fecker's that you really want to lock in a cupboard. They are awful for their parents and little angels at nursery.
If he takes his shoes off on the way to school ignore him, he will soon learn that his feet will get cold, it hurts if you step on a stone and even better be will know that he isn't winning because you haven't reacted. Wants to go out in his PJs fine, tell him everyone will think he is silly. Don't argue just show him you are not bothered. You really do have to come down on him when he hits you, this can't be allowed to continue. I think it is time for his father to have him at least one night a month so you can have a break.

It’s an awful stage, one thing I notice is that he is doing so much. Perhaps he is just absolutely exhausted. Does he ever have his a full day at home chilling out, playing with his toys having a lazy day? I know that with mine when they get that they surprisingly calm after their morning whizz around and can play draw etc. try having a day where nothing really happens male easy lunch and tea. Also I was surprised my four year old needs to be asleep for 6:30pm and she will sleep right through if not she is an absolute nightmare and won’t sleep properly and next day is ruined. He has long days at nursery then busy weekend, you need to pull that back and just start introducing some quiet days.
this will pass.

You haven’t gone wrong it’s all par for the course with small children but understand that doesn’t make it any easier whilst going through it!
The only advice I have is always pre warn them if things e.g we are getting in the car in five minutes. I found Phillipa Perry's audiobook helpful for giving me a renewal of compassion as the daily grind is so grinding.
Remember you and him are a team, you do really want the same things but there is work and nursery to do.

You're doing a great job with essentially no support, just keep on keeping on and things will get smoother 💐

It will get better. It's a really difficult time as they gain some sense of self. Find a freind to talk to/ Don't beat yourself up it's so hard especially on your own.

Both of mine were really hard work at 3 especially our youngest. The constant fight to do anything is relentless and it can make even the most patient person loose their mind. As other people have said here, it will get better. Now it's survival. Making things into games, giving choices, distractions, bribery. Anything that works. For my son, it was when his teddy asked him to put on his shoes, go the toilet that worked. He wouldn't do if for me but he would do it for teddy 😂. A square of chocolate now and again doesn't hurt either. Another year and things will be easier OP.

It hasn’t gone wrong, it’s a development phase. Try and think of it like a puzzle and to keep emotion out.
Internal monologue he’s cross now, is that tiredness? Is he right to be cross - like are you frustrating (in his mind) his reasonable activities. Then compromise. Do you need him to go somewhere? Have something hidden (eg favourite car or a sweet) and say he can have this when he is dressed, then celebrate when he is. If he’s hitting you, he needs boundaries, “we don’t hit” and a consequence immediately. If he’s cries do your best to ignore.

He doesn’t hate you.

@Bessap my best friend said she found these years the hardest (working opposite shifts with then husband) and their child constantly tested boundaries. She also said putting the boundaries in early made things so much easier later on. You will get through it. I also remember my Mum apologising for shouting at me once … I had been really naughty, she didn’t let me off but she did say she shouldn’t have shouted. Keep going. It will get easier as your child will learn how to say what he wants as he gets older, and not get so frustrated, too!