Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

Sometimes you just have to make them do things, for your own sanity. Do not negotiate with terrorists.

All choices are closed ones. It's not What do you want to wear? It's Do you want to wear the blue top or the green top? If he asks for something else, fine. You want the red top? Great choice! But if he won't choose, you choose and just wrestle him into it.

Taking his shoes off is a non issue. Chuck them in your bag, scoop him up under your arm and cart him in like an angry rugby ball.

Car seat straps are non negotiable. Force him in by tickling his belly to make him bend. Use a plastic lock cover if he knows how to undo them.

Hitting, I'd do exactly as you are, really loudly tell him off.

I also have a 3 year old who is going through a phase at the moment and it’s a nightmare! But it is a phase and it does get better, I have another slightly older child and we are pretty much through it with them now. With my 3 year old I have found doing a little game with him to get him to do stuff is helping, when he won’t get dressed, say to him “whoever gets dressed first is the winner” and race him, same with getting ready for bed. You are his safe space and person so he will save any tantrums etc up for you after a long day at nursery,
it’s hard, but I’ve come to accept that as it happened with my other child. When he is having a hard time, offer a cuddle and tell him you love him. You are doing an amazing job, even more so as a single mum.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Three year olds can be real pains at times.

I have 3 children 4, 6 and 4 months . 3 is absolutely the hardest age for me so far! My lovely 6 year old son was horrible when he was 3 I honestly feel like it ruined our bond for a bit but by 4 things had turned around. Same with my now 4 year old daughter. And I’m not a single mum so I imagine it must be even harder for you! You’re doing great and it really doesn’t last forever . Promise

My eldest was like this and it felt really hard at the time, but now I'm going through the same phase with #2 I'm a lot more chilled. I usually just sympathise with the feeling but calmly assert that whatever I've said is going to happen is happening, then let him have a meltdown about it, taking however long it takes, offer a cuddle and then move on. No shouting, no punishments or consequences. Just letting them have their moment of rage while you stay calm really seems to move them through it much faster. They play up when you're stressed because it's unsettling for them to feel you getting angry or stressed, if you can actually maintain your calm (not just pretend while inwardly seething!) they don't act out as much ime.

Also remind yourself how tiny he is, I think I frequently forgot that with #1 because he was so clever and advanced in many ways, but emotionally still a baby with no impulse control, no empathy, no ability to reason. The change between 3 and 4/5 in that regard is incredible.

OP, this is normal behaviour and you are doing all the hard work of parenting.
Cut yourself some slack and don't over analyse things.
Parenting is very hard and more so when you are doing it alone. He is loved and cared for.
Take care OP

This is great advice.

It sounds like he's rebelling against the pace of life.

Lots of the things in your OP are about transitions and it sounds like you could be rushing?

Can you slow down, do less, for a bit. You don't need to take him out or entertain him with activities. Just chill at home together, follow his lead in play.

You are entitled to something like 4 weeks parental leave. Usually taken in week blocks but you can ask for them to be taken in smaller chunks. Perhaps you could take e.g. 2 days off per week for a month. One day for you to relax with him in nursery, and one day for you to spend together.

I wish I had received and followed this advice instead of getting stressed and angry at getting everywhere on time and hitting burnout.

I have a lot and I browse the topics and listen to what I find interesting, but here are some to browse:
Raising Good Humans/Dr Aliza
The Peaceful Parenting Podcast/Sarah Rosensweet
Good Inside/Dr Becky
Calm Parenting Podcast/Kirk Martin
Toddlers Made Easy/Dr Cathryn
The PedsDocTalk/Dr Mona Amin

I have a 3.5 year old, he is way harder at 3 than he was at 2! They test boundaries constantly and you need to enforce then.

I find a routine works well so they no what to expect and get less push back, I'm also a fan of putting the tv on for 15 minutes when the morning isn't going to plan though just for a distraction and easiness! I find you need consequences for actions too or they have no incentive to do what they're told, think of some (e.g. if you don't get dressed for nursery then there'll be no chocolate/tablet/tv tomorrow. If they still don't do it then follow through and remind them why. Each time it's one step closer to them doing what they're told). Options are good too but not too many (e.g. shall we walk into nursery or run? Not going in isn't an option so they comply easier). The hitting needs a consequences too (do not hit me, if you do that again I'm not going to sit with you/moving to a different seat/going in that room, then do it).

Hope that gives you some things to try :)

Oh goodness x you poor thing

All I can say is 3 year olds are bloody hard work. They aren’t 3 forever. Not to minimise how shite it is, but it passes. My kids are grown up now, but I bloody hated parenting small kids. How anyone ever enjoyed it or found it “fulfilling” was beyond me.

I have an almost 3 year old who is verrrry demanding. I think it comes with the territory! My approach is “is it dangerous or inconvenient”, I don’t waste time with pointless battles - if she wants to wear wellies to nursery in a heatwave, fine. I’ll pack her trainers for later. If she wants to run in traffic, not fine etc.

Problem is, you can’t really give into tantrums so nothing worse than saying no to something, them kicking off and then you realising it actually didn’t matter that much, but it’s too late to give in. Basically - pick your battles.

i have a 5 year old too and it does get easier!

If dad won't do every other weekend would he do once a month, it would be good for him to build his relationship and give you some rest bite

He’s at that age when everything has to be a drama. It’s normal.

It will pass, but it’s hard work at the time. 🌺

I could have written this myself about a year ago. Its very different now with my son nearly 4 years old. That fact your son is fine at nursery I think is a good sign. You are his safe space so it all comes out with you. Working full-time is so hard, you are clearly a great mum
I'm sure it will get better and agree with PP that reacting less might help (albeit very hard!) In the meantime as you are at the end of your tether with him, could you take some time off/annual leave to take the pressure of the next couple of weeks. Not suggesting you keep him at home maybe shorter nursery days ad do something nice for yourself during the day? Try and reconnect with him, and have a bit of a reset. And agree that a lot of parenting stress comes from thinking this is their personality and will be a terrible adult. Its not true. 3 years old are maniacs and he grow out of this one his brain develops

My three year old is exactly the same. Some days she makes me cry! I try to give her as much independence as possible (she chooses her own clothes, chooses what she wants for dinner out of a list of options, chooses what activity she wants to do) which has helped a little bit. I also praise her like crazy but she doesn’t really like me at the moment so my praise means nothing to her 😂 I understand the feeling of your child hating you. It’s hard because she’s such a bloody angel for her dad and my parents. I just keep reminding myself that she’ll grow out of it at some point, my older son is amazing now and I had problems with him at a similar age. We do sticker reward charts and she loves that, and we just figure the rest out as we go along - e.g. she doesn’t like going to bed for me so DH does that (though I appreciate as a single mother you don’t have that option). Can you possibly get a babysitter for a night so you can have some time to yourself?

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time, it does sound utterly shit and draining for you.

My LO is younger so I can't speak from experience, but one thing I read recently that made sense to me and might apply to you - you say you give him lots of choice. I read that this can be overwhelming for toddlers and you should try to limit options when giving choice. So "this outfit or that one?", "do you want peas or carrots with your dinner?", "shall we play with the trucks or the sandpit?"

I really hope it gets better!

Is there any option to put him in additional childcare for evenings/weekends occasionally so you can get a break? Please don't feel guilty for doing this if it is financially viable, those of us in relationships/coparenting grab any chance for a break when we need it, you deserve space outside of work to rest and be yourself for a while!

Hmm this sounds like a lot and so tough doing it on your own. I’m not a sure that this is typical of this age to be honest to have so many battles all the time. Nobody’s nervous system can handle that long term. He sounds oppositional and it’s hard to know from your post whether this is typical or not.

If I was you I’d try to dial up self care, speak to myself very kindly and reclaim one area at a time. So the car seat belt one for example. I’d set that as one area to work on, finding strategies that reduce the battle, building in some additional time buffer here to reduce your own stress. Then I’d move on to another area.

Often when we are struggling we look into the future and feel completely overwhelmed. It’s often more productive to focus on one small area at a time.

Take a breath , have a quick cuppa then decide what area to reclaim. Reach out on here too for support. You are not alone even though at times it must feel like it.

I could have written this post, I had this really bad a few weeks ago too.

things that have helped me recently and I’ve got steadfast with it:
limit sugar, no fruit shoots they are the worst
implement a time out step
zero tolerance for hitting or pushing
tell others to back me up, so when bad behaviour they also say don’t speak to mummy like that
take away things if naughty ie toys
limit and police screen time
limit and police gifts ie a £1 toy from a machine- yes cos been kind to nanny for example

things that have helped on a more positive note:
singing Phil Collins you’ll be in my heart to comfort at bedtime it seems to calm and soothe any problem, quite cute cheesy but it works 😹
Going swimming it tires them out the physical activity regulates
get them to do things in play, so toy monkey wants to brush teeth too etc etc
gummy vitamin as a treat once a day so have a wee before we leave - vitamin

@Bessap I could have written a post like this 12 years ago. I would dread my eldest waking up. I was so baffled by how things seem to spiral when I was trying to be consistent and stick to common sense and grounded advice. And yet, every day things seem to go tits up (ignoring me, pushing boundaries) and I’d feel so sad and shit Honestly that is such a foreign feeling now. It does pass. It is likely a phase. Messages get through. You haven’t gone wrong. Kids have got to learn and it’s not easy.

Best advice try to enjoy all the nice things and moments. Don’t read too much into why things go wrong and stay consistent and calm with natural consequences in place when they do.

I love the bones of my 15 year old boy and he is a delight to hang out with. Time moves on so hang in in there. Xxx

Aghhhh three year olds are demons!
the one piece of wisdom I have is - buy pyjamas that look like normal clothes, then if they want to wear their pyjamas every day all week they just can,

Hi OP, have you tried bribery with the things you know he'll make a fuss about. I have a 3yr too and she hates getting dressed, baths etc and so I trade 1 sticker or 1 chocolate button if they do as I've asked. Life is hard with a preschooler so whatever makes the day flow easier.

Solidarity. I have a 3.5yo. They are unhinged. Literally woke up on his third birthday with a second personality and a BIG opinion about everything. 🙃

If it helps, I have a friend with the same age and DC regularly spends the day at nursery in his pyjamas quite content. Some battles aren't worth it.

We're aiming for survival.

It's so hard. I suggest the easiest thing to do is a change of mindset - you're both having a hard time of it but you're in it together no matter what. He wants more time chilling with you, doesnt understand how to behave, you are overworked at the end of your tether. Don't take it personally, you're his rock, his guide. You need to be able to change from work mode - "everything has to be efficient", to mummy mode- "baby steps/ what goes goes". Everytime it gets too much, take a breath, re evaluate, and re think - he's just a kid doing silly kid things - it's not the end of the world. You physically but gently make him put on his coat or whatever. You'll get through this, it does get better!

I might add the 5 second rule works wonders - for all ages, even adults. You or the child has to do whatever the instruction is within 5 seconds. Your brain doesn't have time to procrastinate. If child doesn't get moving in 5s, you physically guide them to start doing it. They eventually learn to do it by themselves.

A few suggestions! Be consistent. Don’t insist on something one day then let it slide the next. If you ask him to do something you are inviting him to say no. So if it is putting his coat on, just do it! If he takes his shoes and socks off in the car, reduce the stress, don’t put them on until you arrive at your destination! Don’t give too many choices. A maximum of two, because he is not developmentally able to cope with more. And the most important thing is at the end of the day when you put him to bed, praise him for something that he knows means a lot to you. You may need to be a little liberal with the truth here! Ie “I was so happy today when you put your coat on straight away when I asked you “ If he says ‘no I didn’t!’ Say “Oh, didn’t you? That must have been yesterday! Silly Mummy! Well whenever it was, I was very happy with you, you were such a good boy’.
Children thrive on praise.
You could also do it in the form of a bedtime story. Ie Once upon a time there was a boy called (his name) and he lived in a house with his mummy. When he was a very little boy he sometimes would be a little bit naughty and he would take his shoes off in the car. His mummy would get cross with him but she understood that he was very little so he didn’t really understand. Then do you know what happened? One day he woke up and he was feeling like a very big boy and when he got in the car he decided he would leave his shoes on. When the car stopped his mummy was so surprised and happy! She phoned his daddy and his nanny and granddad and told them what a big boy he was now, and everyone was really proud of him. After nursery they went to the park and played on the swings, and then they went home. At bedtime Mummy told him how good he was and how much she loved him and then he fell fast asleep!

It Is a good strategy and can work but it doesn’t work for every child.