I really don't like my mother

Protect your own mental health

No. Keep your distance for your own mental health.

We always want to get comfort and love from our mothers even when they are unable to give it. Please do not feel obligated to be there for her and look after her - I guarantee she will take advantage. She will probably also try emotional blackmail, so be prepared for that.

Your gut is telling you the truth - trust it.

I had a wonderful mum and would have done anything for her. I miss her very much. I am so sorry you have a bad one. She reaps what she sowed. I think you are a better person than I am to even still be in touch now. You owe her nothing. Good luck OP.

Just to add a different perspective ....
I had a family member, now dead, who was also a really horrible person. Several people asked me why I visited them as they aged. I had made the decision to do the decent thing by them as I might regret ignoring them after their death.
The way it worked out, they did gradually change their attitude a bit and I had some better interactions with them.
In retrospect I definitely don't regret what I did. It means I can think of myself as a better person.
It would not have given me any satisfaction to ignore them in need. Plus other family members did in fact do the ignoring bit. I felt I made a better choice and I have nothing to regret.

Respect and love is not a given, it is earned. Low contact is a good way of dealing with your DM.

What would you do, keep your distance, or forgive and help more? There is a third option.

I would forgive her, for your own sake, because it will help you more if you release the negative energy you feel about her. I expect her own upbringing and life experiences probably shaped her character and for whatever reason, she didn’t have the strength or the self awareness to make the changes she needed to. All very sad because she could be having a wonderful relationship with you right now, and she’s fucked it to the point you wouldn’t go near her if you weren’t related. She’s a very foolish woman.

And I would walk a million miles away from her. This feeling of obligation you have is nothing to do with her. It’s the guilt you’ve placed on yourself. And if she’d been any sort of mum to you, I very much doubt you’d be feeling it. That guilt is not your load to carry because you have done nothing wrong.

So my advice is to let it go. All of it. Her, the guilt, the obligation. The lot. We have a state pension. We have adult Social Services. She will never be homeless or starving.

Sounds like my mum, always preferred my older sister and still does, is negative and nasty towards me unless she needs something from me.
on the flip side she is incredibly loving and kind to my children which pulls me!
I have a sense of obligation towards her as she’s my mother but at the same time I don’t particularly like her.
It’s not an easy position to be in so I can totally sympathise, it’s easy for those not in this situation to comment.

Some people are alone for a reason

Be nice if we could put all these opinionated old boots in a room together and watch them with each other!

Gosh sounds like my mum. She’s AWFUL but also in her 80s and getting frail and wanting me to look after her.
She was a good mum for my early childhood then took up with a not so nice man when I was a teen.
Anyway, I really don’t like her as a person but she’s love bombing me and the kids (then shouting at me for not doing exact what she wants the same day!) and doing the “poor me,all I wanted was my daughter to take me to the doctors etc etc” then she gives me money!
I just laugh at her now when she has her tantrums and take the cash 🤣

Echoing everyone else.

Stay firm and resolute OP. Keep low contact.

My story is similar. Distanced myself when they started on my dd. It’s all you can do. Cruel, nasty people. Mine thinks all the shit she doles out is mended if she buys a present. I throw the presents in the bin. Delusions of grandeur, they’re always too big for the house and not my taste. Wouldn’t phone me on my birthday. Likes to punish when you’ve done nothing wrong. Totally ignored me as a dc. Only touched us to slap us round the head, totally undeserved. Now wants hugs. I only knew people spoke in the home after I met DH. Has ruined my health because I didn’t know why she hated me. After she started on DD I knew it was her, not us. Imagine going through life with not a single person liking you. That’s my dm.

Keep your distance and establish firm
boindaries. Really hard but you've done well and it sounds like it's been a lot of work
to get to
the pint you are at now . You deserve to be happy xx

Do we have the same mother?

I had this with my parents. They showed absolutely no interest in me as a child or adult except to criticise my appearance until they were bankrupt and in poor health and prematurely aged in their 60s, caused by their alcoholism and appalling diet and lifestyle.

They lost all their friends and good will with neighbours by sponging off them and getting them to do things for them constantly. I was guilt tripped into being a dutiful daughter as a result of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) but I finally snapped when their cruelty and criticism was turned towards my children. I walked away and cut contact.

The very last words my father ever said to me were “have you seen the size of your backside?” in front of my daughter when I refused to go and buy him a bottle of vodka when visiting him in a hospice. Once you see the control and manipulation continues because of FOG you can say enough.

I was just about post the same thing - it's my favourite saying.

Echoing those who say keep your distance - I have moved as far away as is possible, across to the other side of the world, to get away from my (very similar) mother. I have two brothers, I'm the only girl, and she started emotional parentifying me when I was 9...

I've not seen her in 17 years, she's 85 this year and I'm in no hurry to do so. I telephone once a month or so, and 9 times out of 10 I have to be drunk to cope with the calls.

Mine is a raging misogynist on top of everything else...my younger brother now lives with her as her 'carer' (she doesn't need any actual help, it's more for his benefit that hers, she lives in a insanely cheap housing association flat, so he pays no rent).

I still think he's an idiot for doing so, but that's his business, his funeral.

You reap what you sow.
keep your distance, protect your peace. You owe her nothing.

Mine is the same, always the victim and negative. I keep my distance and have minimal contact. She has never made an effort with me, so why should I make an effort with her. She was the parent after all. It hurts deeply that I never had a 'mother', it's messed up many aspects of my life. Doesn't stop the guilt though.

Very similar to my mum in many ways. Except mine seems to have more sides to her than anything. She plays favourites to divide and conquer the family as her dad did. I have distanced myself from her over recent times. I do still see her but on my terms she is mid 80’s and sometimes seems like a sweet vulnerable old lady and I feel sorry for her and like I have imagined the bad stuff. I lower my guard and offer something or invite her and she flips a switch and changes. I always end up wondering why I bothered and why I never learn.

The guilt and need to play the dutiful daughter is real and as others have said seems to have been programmed into me. Probably years of the I did all this and gave up all that for you etc etc.

She could be getting nicer because she’s evolving? My mum wasn’t a great mum when I was growing up, but she’s turning into a good mum now. She’s 90 😂

She sounds like an absolutely horrible human being as well as an unkind and unloving mother.

She deserves to be alone in old age and to reap what she has sown. Don't feel guilty about keeping your distance.

And tten there's these parents, like ours, who exhibit manipulative, unkind behaviours. Possibly innate or possibly as a maladaptive reaction to their own upbringing

This is so true. All you can do @Onlyatnoon is accept who she is and give access to her based on that, not on how you think mother - daughter relationships “should” be. I think that can be the trickiest part there are rules to parent - child relationships, warmth, connection, good advice, healthy dependency then healthy differentiation in adulthood etc and unless the parent can do those rules then the child has to learn not to apply them too.

You’re describing my Mum, except not cruel, she was strict and doesn’t like me much. I live fairly far away now. I’ve not had therapy. I ring her once a week. I visit 4/ year, even though she often suggests I don’t bother.
I feel good about myself having done “my duty” as a child to a parent. I’m not saying you should or would.

The judgement of other women gets me, as often they are the things I do and feels like a veiled insult. It used to upset me. Now I just offer another opinion or say nothing and it washes over me, I don’t care so much what she thinks. Her opinions are not enviable.

I did also get concerned the conspiracy theories were signs of mental illness but I don’t believe they are. She just has no friends to balance out opinions and too much time on YouTube.

I also reached the conclusion over Christmas that whilst I love my mum, if she was a friend then she would been quietly moved out of my life a long time ago. I appreciate that she’s got significant childhood traumas that’s made her how she is.

My interactions with her are limited to basic discussions about logistics. It makes me sad and cross but she wont change so no point hoping or asking her to.

Keep your distance, limit your interactions to benign topics (and steer conversations back if you need to), and I would also suggest considering additional counselling if you can afford it.

@Onlyatnoonthis sounds sadly familiar to me, though I'm not in touch with mine.

We are wired to look to our parents because when we are young we need them to survive. Many people get decent but imperfect caregivers,- We're all human and even great parents get it wrong sometimes.

And then there's these parents, like ours, who exhibit manipulative, unkind behaviours. Possibly innate or possibly as a maladaptive reaction to their own upbringing.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to be a good daughter as part of your natural wiring (and decency) but understand that as an adult you don't need her now and she couldn't fulfill her obligations as a parent anyway. Let the guilt go. You've spotted her patterns of behaviour and you now have an obligation to yourself (and your kids if you have any) to be treated kindly.