one holiday too many?

I think it is fair for you to go the week he is working but not for the second week if it isn't something he wants to join. But only if you also have funds for a family holiday just the four of you. That should be the main priority. If you can afford both - he'd be mean to insist you can't go at all. If you could afford France but not another holiday that is maybe a bit different - but still if it was my family I would maybe want to save up over two years.

Again, it’s not controlling to expect that some of your summer holiday abroad isn’t spent with your in-laws 🫣

Would everyone be so supportive if a woman was posting saying she had to go away with her in-laws every summer or she’d miss out on a week or more with her kids?

Seems to me we can't get much further without OP telling us if the 1 week option is doable or not. Either by accident or design she didn't really answer that question when asked.

If he doesn’t go he doesn’t see his kids!

It’s not selfish to say you don’t want to go on holiday with your in-laws every summer!

OP can fly out for a long weekend every other year - she can still see her siblings but it means it doesn’t dominate every summer.

My family all lived on the other side of the world growing up, we saw each other every 2-3 years with phone calls etc. in between. OP doesn’t need to turn the family holiday into a family reunion every single summer - THAT is selfish.

I wholeheartedly agree.

can you suggest he joins for a long weekend in the middle? You could collect him from the airport and drop him back. So he doesn’t have 2 weeks without seeing the kids.

In general though, I don’t think YABU.its your one chance to see your brother from Canada! Does he display selfishness or controlling behaviours in other areas of your life? It seems he is thinking more of himself than DC. It also doesn’t sound very fair that you do ALL the childcare and housework while also working part time. How are weekends split?

I think if my DP wanted to take our DD (only 5) away somewhere with family that I didn’t fancy going but I knew would be great for them, I’d be actively trying to make it happen even if I went out for a few days so I didn’t miss DD for too long.

Her brother lives in Canada. It says so in the OP.

Most people get to see their sibling more frequently throughout the year though. OP doesn't because her brother lives in Canada.

Of course she'll survive! That doesn't mean he's not being selfish.

A thousand times this

I am really amazed by how much sympathy your DH is getting. The only thing I would say is that he shouldn’t be forced to come for the second week. Being dragged the same place over and over that you don’t enjoy is annoying and unfair. If he prefers he should just stay at home. But that he refuses to do that, but also refuses to let you go? So you all have to miss out on what is obviously a beautiful opportunity for the three of you, which you all look forward to, so you can pay court to him, who is working half the time anyway and doing none of the parenting work? The fact that he doesn’t care about cutting you and boys off from the chance to see your family? All this gives me really controlling vibes. Is he controlling in other ways too?

if my family all liked doing something I didn’t, that made their lives richer, and cost me nothing..I’d be delighted, and wave them off to go do it. I’d then have the healthy sense of self to work out how to make my weeks alone enjoyable.

you guys have four weeks off work all together before these two weeks, and are able to go on another holiday too… so he is deprived of literally nothing, other than being away from his boys for two weeks- one week of which he will be too busy to notice because he is working and the other week he could remove if he cared that much by popping to France for a stress free holiday. If he is genuinely traumatised at the thought of being away from his kids for two weeks (at the age of those kids) then I’d say that is unhealthy. (And yes I’d say that about a woman too). It suggests a neediness that is disproportionate. And it strikes me as insincere- especially as you say you do absolutely all the childcare (why?)… that suggests he’s quite happy to have them as ornaments and not lean in to the actual parenting. He can have video calls if he is missing them so intolerably. But It sounds more like that protest is the only lever he has to stop you guys going off and having a good time.

OP, is he controlling in other ways?

He’s not expected to go…

She does the get the chance though. It’s only her husband being controlling that is stopping her.

How are they NOT holidaying with the in-laws every year if they spend two weeks every summer with OP’s family?

I suspect the answers would be very different if this thread was about a woman being expected to spend two weeks every summer with her SIL!

It's 3 holidays in 4 years and it is his in laws - brother and sister in law.

Why don't they plan another opportunity to see family elsewhere? Sister lives in this country 'but is always working' but surely a time would be arranged at a weekend.
Brother in Canada might be trickier but maybe this could be the new holiday destination?

She could go on her own for a weekend (it’s only France, not the other end of the world). Lots of people don’t get the chance to spend weeks on end with their siblings every summer 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure she’ll survive if she doesn’t go every year!

Ok i see both sides

My brother lives abroad with my neices/nephews who are a similar age to my kids. We have free accommodation and its cheap flights we tend to go once or twice a year (winter/summer) as its a good destination for skiing and also hot summers. However as much as i love seeing them and the kids love it if it was my only holiday its too much, its not a holiday, its seeing family and its samey we have done everything 100 times over, its essentially home from home, you can’t relax the same as you have to be socially available i often feel i need a holiday when i get home. And thats MY family not my husbands. My husband is happy to go as we always have a separate family holiday just us, but I absolutely would knock visiting my brother on the head if we couldn’t do both, especially if i had been the previous year. (I am aware i’m very lucky)

I think the fair compromise would be you and the children go for x1 week when he is working.

Then you do a family holiday for x1/2 weeks.

You can never have enough of France... or holidays.

Maybe time to visit a divorce lawyer.

He’s going to deny his kids a holiday and time with their cousins because he can’t bear to be parted for two weeks? That’s very selfish.

But I understand he doesn’t want to waste his precious leave on a trip to your family.

Go for 10 days or so then meet your dh somewhere else of his choosing. Flights can be cheap if you choose carefully. You’d have to pay for three extra flights to meet him there. This would be cheaper than coming home then going on holiday again with him. You and the kids would have three flights each, and he would have two. Can you afford this?

This is a good summary, but I am not sure that the flights are cheap as OP seems to be trying to cobble together some bolt on to the same trip. Personally I think keep them separate and get the absolute cheapest route there and back for a week. I can see why DH doesn’t want to be without his DC for a fortnight or always holiday in the same place.

They’re not “holidaying with in laws every year”

Its the only time she gets to see her family at all.

To simplify

Sister lives in France in a villa with a pool. Brother lives in Canada and visits once a year. This is the only opportunity OP gets to see her siblings and nieces/ nephews. This is the only opportunity her children get to see their aunt, uncle and cousins.

The accommodation is free and the travel there is cheap. It is not taking up the family holiday budget.

She has offered to go without him but he has said he doesn’t want his children to be away from him for so long.

Agree with everyone else, you go for 1wk. Sure you want to go for 2wks plus, but you need to compromise. Your DH doesn’t want the kids gone for 2wks, and maybe that is a little selfish as they want to go, and will have a good time, but you’re meant to be a partnership so need to take into account his feelings too.

That is unclear. And also it doesn't sound like she is taking into account the fact he is having to holiday with in laws every year. Would she like this if she had to go with his family every single year? Maybe he would even prefer a shorter break in the UK if it meant not going with others.
They both need to talk about it more and see it from the others perspective.

But if this is the only holiday they can afford, they wouldn’t be able to afford to go on an actual holiday.