To fuck off out for the day when MIL visits tomorrow

You undermined him and sided with your kids.. hence the anger.

I'm sure you would be angry if you were dealing with your kids and he came along and said "don't listen to mummy, it's ok, you can do X".

This shouldn't happen though because reasonable parents discuss these things and come to an agreed position. They don't keep disagreeing and undermining each other. All that leads to is naughty kids who play parents off each other.

As for the fussy eating, it sounds like he is to rigid and annoying, but you are too lax. A middle point that you can both agree on should be possible.

E.g. no nagging and pressure at the table, but equally no pudding if they don't eat reasonably .

This.
I wouldn't be eating with him.
I wouldn't allow such stress at the table.

His swearing anger is emotionally abusive.
I certainly wouldn't be playing happy families because you certainly are not.

Were you planning on taking the children out?
Let him entertain his mother.
I wouldn't be forced out, I would leave him to entertain and explain.

Your poor children.

What's wrong with making threats? Do you never tell children that there are consequences to their actions? If you don't eat your dinner you won't get dessert is a perfectly valid threat.

Pudding every night isn’t good however would your dh eat everything on his plate every night, does he eat things he doesn’t like?

pick your battles when it comes to food.

o wouldn’t disappear tomorrow because that would only escalate things however I’d make him look after his mum regarding cups of tea and food to eat. I wouldn’t be running about after her.

Difficult.

We never really did pudding so there wasn’t the option of missing main and filling up
on sweet stuff. So I get why your DH might find that annoying.

That said, kids go through phases and some are just shit eaters. Our youngest was dreadful, so meals could have been real battles but we just went with the flow.

I don’t think you should go out tomorrow though.

I may be a total prude but I hate folk that swear at or about their kids in front of them. I can’t imagine how a small child would feel having an adult describe them or their behaviour as “fucking ridiculous”. I’d never be with someone like that.

I used to grate veg very small and add it to the kids food . They mostly didn't know it was t here. The unpleasant atmosphere at the table is the bigger issue, it must make meal times very tense for you and the kids . Why do men do this, it guarantees that the kids will be less likely to eat !

He is creating a war zone at the table, there is no harm in encouraging them but he is making threats and definitely needs to apologise.

Re eating veggies, I chop it up very finely and mix it in with the meal, e.g cauliflower in rice, shaving broccoli on pasta. I make it bigger over time so their palate adjusts and they get used to seeing it. They never really eat it on its own but they don’t try to pick it out either.

YANBU to leave him to it. That’s appalling behaviour from a grown man and he absolutely owes you all an apology and he needs to change. Tell him about how everything he is haranguing his kids about is going to become their inner monologues for the rest of their lives. Does he want them
to be happy well adjusted women? Does he want them to develop an eating disorder? How would he feel if future boyfriends and husbands treated them like this. Lay out the worst case scenarios.

I would also pull him up on the comments as soon as they start. Every time. Let your daughters know it’s not acceptable to treat them like this.

he just couldn't help it and kept on and on at the girls until I snapped at him and he was then swearing (mainly at the situation eg. It's fucking ridiculous).

Ew what a baby. How deeply unattractive. He needs to grow up.

Your kids’ diet sounds fine.

YANBU to go out.

1. You need to back your DH in the first instance otherwise your kids will play you off against each other (even if he was being annoying but I imagine he feels you’re being a soft touch)
2. frankly if they don’t eat their veg why would you give them pudding? They will quickly work out where their priorities lie

Pea lollipops are a game changer. Just give them raw frozen peas and call them pea lollipops, most kids absolutely adore them. In my house grapes were classed as a vegetable for many years (they are green after all) and served with meals. A lot of it is in the name of the food, so if you can think of imaginative names for veg that can help.

Op I wouldn't actually let him eat with them going forward serve them separately with you or just them alone if you want to eat with the ape man

You are both being unreasonable. Nagging the kids isn't goung to help, but giving them pudding every night and then thinking that they will eat dinner ( when they know dessert is coming ) is bonkers.

Casserole veg hiding is easy by blending the veg into the sauce. You mention one will only eat raw carrots, is it an issue to keep some aside when cooking and then put on her plate? If they like peas give them peas instead of a veg you know they arent keen on.

I tried to keep meal times as calm as possible as my ex was like yours....just made things worse!!

What are you going to do tomorrow when you're out. Are you taking the kids with you or having a day to yourself?

One of my dc hated veg mixed with anything but would eat them if they were in a separate pile. So a sausage with a pile of sweetcorn, a pile of green beans, and pile of carrots would be eaten. But mix them all together in a casserole and the sausage would be picked out and the rest discarded. Possibly a neuro diverse trait keeping each food item separate? However they did also eat shepherd's pie or lasagne that had everything mixed in.

As a child I remember hating gravy on a roast dinner. I like to taste the chicken or ham, I like to taste the potato, I liked to taste the peas etc. If there was gravy on it it all tasted the same. (but I also was fine with shepherd's pie etc.)

Would it work to have meals with a main protein item and serving bowls of veg that they can choose / help themselves to? "Here are 4 veg/salad items, which two are you going to choose to have with your chicken?" "Can't choose between sprouts and tomatoes? Have a little bit of both and tell me which you prefer..."

I'd also limit the puddings to things that are not very sweet in taste - a rhubarb crumble, a baked apple. Some grapes, celery and nuts. Nothing with chocolate.

Re tomorrow - definitely do not go out. your dh may represent this as 'you being in a mood' thereby earning even more brownie points as a long suffering husband. I'd get my veiwpoint in early with MIL (if you can catch her on her own) and apologise if things seem a bit tetchy, but that dh had sworn in front of the children, and it wasn't quite resolved yet..

Yikes. Ye sound as bad as eachother tbh.

Ye have a different parenting style. No need for either of you to snap or swear about this in fairness. Also, why would your MIL suffer and not see her family (you) because you are having an argument. It's not her fault...

I wouldn’t go away but I would prepare simple factual answers in case he said something about what happened yesterday and I wouldn’t play loving wife.

I think it’s ok to ask kids what vegs they like, prepare them and have other vegs just available alongside.
I would blend vegs into sauce where possible. Kids don’t like some textures and it’s ok, blending gets them used to taste and then you can move to the next stage and skip blending.
By the way I’m older and further down the line, some kids I knew only ate sticks of carrot and pieces of apple at 5 y.o but by 16 they were happily eating everything. So you are right that DH should relax a bit if there is no medical concerns.

They do get alternatives, they get pudding...

I don't think either of you is particularly right or wrong, even if we are more aligned to your husband approach (minus the nagging. But no veg = no pudding, they make their choice).
You do need to talk and compromise on your methods though, it doesn't sound very healthy at the moment. It's also an extreme reaction from both of you.

If you need space tomorrow, taking some time for yourself doesn't seem like a particularly bad idea. They'll be busy with their grandma, could be a good opportunity for you to do something else.
You don't have to say to your husband that you want to "fuck off for the day" though. It won't help the situation.

Buggering off must be a huge temptation but I wouldn’t give dh satisfaction. Mil is bound to ask where you are and it might lead to him explaining about the row, just dragging the whole thing on. Make shepherds pie or lasagne whatever they will enjoy for tea, squish the carrots a bit and talk about anything else but the food. Just at the end say how you really think girls should be happy with themselves for eating their good healthy veg. Curious what the other casserole was….could you do a soup version of it, blend say half the veg and squish the rest with a potato masher for some texture? I get sick of carrots cauliflower broccoli peas or red peppers all the time and got my lot to eat roasted squash and green beans by doing this. Blended butter beans are undetectable in chili.

Tbh I wouldn't be giving my kids sweet things after dinner every day anyhow.

My kids do have to eat vegetables because they are part of a balanced diet. I wouldn't let them stop eating vegetables for a little while any more than I would let them stop brushing their teeth for a bit.

One of mine is monumentally fussy but the rule is - she tells us what vegetables she will eat, we make those, and then yes she must eat them. That has worked for us. She is 11 and so far fine.

In your dinner scenario, I would have said calmly "okay I will use the casserole veggies as leftovers this week for myself, but you girls need to eat some vegetables so what will it be?"

Mine will often respond by saying okay, we'll have some carrot sticks or something, which is fine for me.

I can understand why your H is frustrated although swearing is unacceptable.

I would take the children out for the day and as you leave, text the in laws to say 'sorry we won't see you today but H has been absolutely vile to us today, swearing at all of us. Maybe you can talk some sense into him'.

I think it would be a bit rude to your mil - she hasn’t done anything wrong. I can understand your annoyance and he should not be swearing in front of the kids.