To be frustrated by friend complaining about her DD?

It's not bankrolling a high flying lifestyle but it's enough money to stop the daughter seriously looking for full time work. Which is the OPs friend's problem. Therefore it's enough money to cause many issues

I don’t see what the ‘child’s’ lack of working during A levels or term time has anything to do with what’s happening now. Did she not work in the summers either?
Of course being basically paid not to work is at play here. Many people wouldn’t work if they didn’t have to put food on the table and pay rent! And plenty of wealthy (or not) people subsidise their kids. But usually those kids are working or at least looking for work - you say this young woman isn’t even applying. Her mother should tell her that while she can live at home rent free and have food, everything else is up to her.

My brother in law was similar in a way. Bummed about for years post-uni, and though he did work it was just casual gap-year type stuff that meant he was constantly being bailed out by my in-laws who were way too soft IMO. He was always talking about some big job just around the corner that would kick-start some sort of career. Never happened. Now in his early 30s with still no real prospects (vs his siblings who have all knuckled down and got themselves sorted), the in-laws are finally realising they should have stopped bankrolling his gallivanting years ago. So I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I would rather be friends with the OP than the mother who spoils her child rotten and keeps whining about her daughter non-stop.

You sound like a nice friend 🙄

From my end they are a family who are choosing to spend their money on their child in this way and it’s not relevant how many children they have or how many children they could do it for.

But I do accept you were just trying to set context and it sounds like quite a frustrating thing to have to listen to over coffee so I hear you.

I have a relative who recruits graduates. Being intelligent, having a multiple degrees or a masters does not mean you can walk into a grad job. Evidence of initiative, drive, reliability and a good work ethic give candidates a huge step up. A 23 year old who has only worked in a pub occasionally wouldn't attract much interest from recruiters. I suspect your friend will be supporting her DD for some time to come.

Of course they potentially could.

There are plenty of wealthy families with more than one child. Private schools cost more than £900 per month and there are many families with more than one child educated privately.

And there are plenty of single child families who couldn’t. Including mine.

Bit of a derail but I don’t see why it’s relevant that this girl is an only child. There’s such a casual link in people’s minds that it is commensurate with spoilt and it irritates me.

I think your friend has got it wrong. I have a DD of the same age. We supported her whilst she was job hunting, but not even close to that amount (and I thought we were being very indulgent).
But you can’t do anything about it. It’s really frustrating, but once you have said your piece you need to let it go. Your friend is not taking your advice so I think you need to change the subject. Remind her that she knows what you think and move on.

Wish I had 850 disposable income after bills......

I wouldn’t say £850 + pt wages + a roof over your head and all your bills paid is ‘surviving’. How many people have £1000+ per month fun money? What’s to be depressed about? I’d be thrilled!

Understandable. You’ve been a listening ear for ages and nothing changes because nothing changes. Sympathy has it’s limits!

100% stay out of it!

I’ve watched this cognitive dissonance about working amongst my friends with their kids.

There are two camps:

1. working is good for you and all work experience can give life skills / sometimes you just need to suck up a shit job

vs

2. you should only work at jobs commensurate with skills aspirations and mummy and daddy will pony up an income.

Interestingly the two wealthiest household are very much “get a job, oh student children”.

What’s interesting is I’m also now watching it play out in my generation (middle aged).

i’m aware of a huge culture clash in a marriage where someone brought up by indulgent parents is now fairly long term unemployed as they cannot find a job in their field. Their partner did everything and anything historically to earn an income. Money is tight and the “I will only work in a job commensurate with my skills” partner has had the most god almighty strop at the suggestion they apply for basic jobs (retail, office etc) so they have an income to help keep the household afloat and to help rebuild a slightly sparse CV.

It’s also turned out they have never claimed unemployment benefit so every period of unemployment is a gap in their NI record and thus state pension entitlement. This was fine when they were younger and had time to catch up but we are getting ever closer to retirement age and the time to catch up on missed contributions is narrowing.

I actually think it might be relationship ending.

Do it op. Tell your friend to stop talking about it to you. Go for it.

£850 a month is really not much. It’s hardly bank rolling a high flying life style.

Again didn’t answer my question

have you asked about her mental health or has your friend confirmed that she’s not in the least concerned her daughter may be feeling depressed

@Alainlechat I agree - many celebs & people with decent incomes make their kids work. It’s never good to have no work ethic.

If she's working at the pub though she could pick up more shifts or get another job that is more hours. DD2 works more hours than this girl and she's 17 and at college 3 days a week and has AuADHD. I worked full time for two years after graduation and went to law school for a year and worked 16 hours a week in a job while I was there before I got an actual career job.