To worry that Dd is becoming a not very nice person

I think you need to use these sorts of situations to help her learn.

Chat to her about other people not always appreciating what we do, and how important it is not to get our happiness and self worth from them. To feel pleased with what she did on her own terms, not theirs. Because only one person can win a prize, so does that mean 29 people should feel deeply disappointed? Not a great method of encouraging people to do their best.

Help her develop the Personal Best mentality and not to get hung up on approval from friends or teachers.

As PP have said, lots of girls get their first pre-puberty (or puberty) surge of hormones at this age and it can make them a bit emotional. It's our job to help them self-regulate. Not tell them off but just encourage them to soothe themselves or calm or cheer via exercise, or an hour with a blanket and book or favourite TV show/music, or a long bath.

I belatedly realised I had to teach all this stuff to my DC. They don't learn instinctively to focus on Personal best over external affirmation, or to create their own standards and privately judge others by them, rather than desperately try to fit in. Or to give themselves masses of self care when they have crushing disappointments in life. But I did teach them and saw them put these skills into action and honestly, it has helped them so much right into adulthood.

I think you can be empathetic about her emotions while also having boundaries in terms of being rude to you. It sounds like there is stuff going on at school that is making her anxious and upset. E.g. 'I understand that you are feeling disappointed but I tried my best and it would be good to have some appreciation for that effort.' Also you could develop a routine to say what you are all feeling grateful for every night at dinner. Kids are not angels all the time, they have feelings and it sounds like she feels able to express them to you. That is a good thing. In my experience they go through tricky times which could be developmental or to do with stuff at school. Really try not to take it personally. Focus on the connection you have with each other. If you are feeling that she should be more grateful, model being grateful in front of her but you could also dial back a bit on some of the things you do, perhaps they are not always necessary. She is 7 and not an adult so you cannot expect her to respond to you in the way an adult would.

Your daughter sounds like she is under peer pressure that could and should have been avoided by the school, though she has made it about you getting it wrong because she is only 7.

Shame is a deep, strong reaction that can stay with us for years. To be first pleased with what you both produced and then to feel shame is not a symptom of her being awful or spoilt. It's of not fitting in with what her peers expectations were for that project. (I used to dread none uniform day because I never seemed to get it right and I still have memories from that)
She managed to express it you you rather than bury it, which is a good thing because now you can explore and address it.

You can only counteract this so far and it will take time. A constant drip drip drip from you to reinforce that everybody is different and that you all have different priorities and values. Point out where the peer pressure is, help her recognise it. Show that there is a lot more scope for difference and individuality in the adult world. If you are able, talk about your older relatives and ancestors, tell her which of their values were good and that she is made from good stuff, so that she knows she had good roots.
Maybe find out of school activities that provide a different friend group, because every set of children has their own culture and values.

Have a read up about adrenarche.

She just sounds normal to me. All children would be disappointed at not winning a project but sounds weird for mums to be buying something to hand in. I would hope that hand made things are better. Obviously I don’t know what it was but in our school usually hand made and yes parents help but can be hard not to take over. I do see some girls being more fussy approaching 8 where the boys just run around like mad (getting caked in mud!).

This begs the question....... What was the point of it?

If the kids couldn't do it themselves and weren't even expected to, then it's a competition for the parents.

The main point of your post is DD’s attitude and you have some good advice, OP. Helping her become resilient is important for her, and it is good for both of you that she treat you with basic respect.

I am surprised that only a few others think this competition at school was wrong.

Was it for s fundraiser or similar? A blatant attempt to spur the mums to greater efforts so their DC could be singled out for a prize? That’s not a message I would want my DC to be getting from their school.

But I wonder whether your DD might be focused on the mums of some girls she particularly looks up to, and the over-reaction in this instance might be about something deeper? I was the geeky girl in a primary school that valued athletes and, regrettably, at DD’s age I hated being intelligent because it made me different. I didn’t know how to say that and I might well have focused on how your output was different from what the mums of the Cool Girls did, instead. But I would have known better than to be (too) rude or disrespectful about it, or in general.

I do put the blame for this episode on the school. Awful system. And sexist.

My advice start getting some thicker skin, really have a hard look if she has a valid complaint, start learning to use the phrase “life is isn’t fair”, enjoy the good bits, and understand that she’s turning from the cute little girl into an adult in her own right.

She’ll need to be loved, kicked in the ass (metaphorically speaking), tolerated, celebrated, and endured in equal measure.

You’ll both be going through some growing pains in the next years!

@Lifeislikeaboxofdairymilk So maybe you should not have participated then? Your dd seemed to think it was important to win. Maybe that should be avoided?

I think a conversation is needed... along the lines of:

'It is ok to be disappointed or upset and to say that, when things don't go the way you'd hoped - but it is not OK to be rude or unpleasant to someone who has helped you. I help you because I am your Mum and I love you, but at some point in life other people may not want to help if you're unpleasant about it'.. (pick a wording that actually fits your daughter!).

Be honest with yourself- have you spoilt her a bit too much?

That's ridiculous from the school.

I'd say something like 'I am proud of the effort I made, I don't need to win everything'.

You're an adult, but seem to be finding it hard to handle a child's childish comments.

What you need to do is model the right behaviour, and then she'll copy. So be philosophical, a good loser, a kind person etc.

If you get visibly upset over a child's remarks, she'll copy that, so try to stay calm.

Thanks for explaining.

But that shows awful values on the part of the school. Who gives children awards according to their parents’ resources or talents?

I often think there is too much drama around minor conflicts in primary education but I don’t like the sound of this at all. I will leave it at that for now because I am curious about others’ opinions, but I will come back.

Do others in your family take you for granted too? Is she possibly mimicking how others treat you? Does her father regularly show that he appreciates you?

Winning is important to kids. I'd just say 'oh well, I thought ours was brilliant and I had a great time making it with you.'
She's not spoilt and ungrateful, she's just a 7 year old kid. No child appreciates what their parents do at 7 years old because they don't have any experience of anything else.

DC do not see themselves as fortunate when everyone else is the same! The other parents helped too! She’s not more fortunate than the others. She does need to accept that help isn’t given without appreciation. There should be enjoyment in doing something together, and it’s not all about winning.

I think you actively need to talk about appreciation with her and the reasons why she is fortunate. And I think dial back on the ‘not wanting for anything’ at your own expense. She needs to see you as your own person too with feelings, wants, needs and boundaries- not just mum, who’ll do anything and everything and can be taken for granted. It might feel hard at first but you’ll be doing her a massive favour. If her dad’s on the scene make sure you’re both on board so he doesn’t undo your efforts.

Sorry, but to me she does sound spoilt. I’d be withdrawing help and treats and tell her why. ‘You don’t appreciate anything I do, and nothing is good enough for you, so perhaps you’d prefer to do without it all.’

I am sorry, I can't get passed this. Surely someone should be assisting their child not spending money and getting overly involved. I am possibly being very 20th century on this.

My DS had his moments of being rude and unappreciative. I didn't get cross, but I did tell him that it was not acceptable to talk to me like that and if he wanted help with X, Y or Z, then an apology would be required.

When the time came to help with X, Y or Z, I would remind him that I was helping him because I chose to, and I didn't want any unpleasant comments.

He was ND and didn't have a filter, so I did give him a bit of slack at times, but stroppy-arsed behaviour towards me or DH was definitely not acceptable.

Honestly, you shouldn't take it to heart. Just tell her it's not possible to win every time and that it was still fun doing this together?

Have to teach your daughter some resilience as well as develop some of your own otherwise you're going to be very fed up soon!

@poetryandwineSpot on. I thought schools were not asking for this type of project any more because it’s clearly counter productive.

I think so. Otherwise how do they learn that money/effort aren't just magicked up out of thin air?

Not in a guilt tripping way. More sympathising with her - I'm gutted we didn't win too, we put so much effort into that didn't we? These things happen / that's the way the cookie crumbles / life doesn't always turn out how we want it to. Hey ho no point dwelling on it.