To end relationship over this?

You lose all your money if you cancel dental appointments. Some of mine have been thousands if it is say a root canal. A cat can be taken by taxi or wait.

Hi @Pandolly
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. My cats are everything and so I really get it. I think it’s a difficult one. Yes, I would have expected my partner to drop everything and rush to me (and he would). But, how did he react after the appointments were done? Is he there for you emotionally the rest of the time? Take some time and make a decision not just based on this event.

2 hours an evening, three times a week - barely a relationship and def not a partner.

You don't even have time to go to the cinema / theatre

why did you bother ? you are not both 14

I'm going to go slightly against the flow here and say that in this instance he should have re-prioritised and supported you. He didn't recognise that this was something deeply important to you. Yes, it would have caused all the family some inconvenience to make other travel arrangements for their appointment, but he choose an easier life (no confrontation with parents, no inconvenience for anyone). If he had appreciated your emotional turmoil and prioritised you accordingly, he would have been there regardless. My DH left an important work meeting to support me in a difficult moment, one of the hardest of my life, that the outside world wouldn't necessarily have recognised as so dreadful.

I think that personally the message he sent was: your grief is not more important than my parent's dental appointment. You face a lifetime of being second or third in his list of priorities - it's up to you if you're happy with that.

YANBU he’s a mummy’s boy and you have done well to last this far. I don’t date men of that age who live at home. You will always be far down the pecking order and you can do better. When l am their age then l will probably still be working full time and not being mollycoddled. Is it an actual diagnosis or is it more manipulation?

Sorry to hear about your cat

There's a lot to unpack in all your responses OP.

On one hand, I think you are even more unreasonable getting in a huff because he didn't cancel his plans to take his parent to an appointment given you chose a specific appointment time that suited you. You went at that time because you had things to do that you wouldn't or couldn't rearrange. It can't be one rule for you (the owner of the cat) and a different for him (nothing to fo with the cat).

On the other hand, it sounds like you both just have a companionship. You see him a few hours a week with your kids. He's essentially your friend. And that's fine if it works but I get the feeling it works for him and not you. If you want more out of a relationship then don't settle for this.

I love my cats and always have. Told DH when we met 30 years ago that i came with baggage 😃! But, kindly - in your position I would totally have expected him to take his parents to their appointments.

Those appointments can't be changed. But could you not have put your beautiful cat into a shoebox and maybe add some flowers or toys, and taken him to the crem the next day? I know you were devastated but the timeline doesn't seem completely critical? Unless I'm missing something?

You're viewing this guy as your partner, but from what you've said about him I don't think he is really, sounds like he doesn't view you as his partner and as his friend you're being too emotional and needy as his priorities are elsewhere. If a guy wants to stay over he will, irrespective of what his mum thinks. It seems to me that he may be using his parents to not get too close to you. So your expectations of him being there for you is not going to happen. However, I do think human medical needs trump animal medical needs.

Hi @Pandolly

im going against the other replies here but I think you're absolutely right to be upset with him.
It was a local dentist appointment and they absolutely could have got a taxi and he could absolutely have come and comforted you.

You are always going to be second place to his mother. You haven't really had a proper relationship either - just snatches of one as he can't spend proper time with you either.
If not spending proper time with him works for you - as you're a busy single mum - then great, but if it makes you feel sad then I'd slowly back out- as it doesn't sound like he will put you first. Or understand your love of animals - I'm sorry you went through that x

Ha, funny! I gave up a job to come home to look after my dad when he snapped his Achilles tendon. The OP says they’re in their 60s and healthy.

Tbf OP said that the father has dementia

I'm sorry about your cat. I lost mine last month, expected at his advanced age but it hit me hard. I do think he couldn't back out of a dentist appointment like that though. They would have to still pay and it could be weeks to get a new one. Also it isn't urgent to get to the crematorium same day; especially as it's not hot weather. It seems to me he has caring responsibilities and you also need him to do things for you and I feel he's pulled in multiple directions. If you feel he does too much for his parents to the detriment of your relationship then keep addressing it but today shouldn't be the thing that ends things. You are very upset about your cat today and will be grieving; don't make any big decisions about anything else this week, just park things till you feel a bit better.

Having read more of your updates, I can’t see this relationship working long term. They are either selfish wanting him to live with them or he has no backbone. He will end up their carers and then alone without having a chance at his own life.

I can’t be honest here because MN will ban me is bang on for me a lot of the time

sorry for your loss op, still reading the thread

i read your responses op, it seems you know you’re being unreasonable x

your relationship sounds complex, but it sounds like you’re both complex people so it’s a case of what works for you

maybe you have some resentment though at how unavailable he is due to his parents 🥺 x

I’m so sorry OP. Honestly I Would expect your partner to finish the hospital appointment. for the dentist appointment he should have explained the situation to his parents and ordered and paid for a taxi for them.

I also could not have dealt with your situation on my own and would have wanted my partner with me. It’s not even about the driving I would have wanted my partner with me for support.

its not about putting people above animals, they are perfectly capable of getting into a taxi and you needed support.

THIS.

I am sorry about your cat OP but yes, you are being unreasonable.

But if he gets home any later she won't be up to make him a cup of cocoa and tuck him in.

Honestly from what you’ve said in your posts it doesn’t sound like a sustainable relationship regardless of whether you breaking up over this specific incident is unreasonable or not.

I’m the same age range as you and it would drive me nuts having a partner who has to be home by 8.30 - I don’t even think I’d consider having that relationship to be honest.

Breaking up with him over this specific incident was unreasonable in itself. As others have said, dentist appointments are difficult and sometimes expensive to reschedule. Our dentist charges us if we cancel an appointment within 48 hours. So your reaction to this was unreasonable. That being said, I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have been pushed to a breaking point with the relationship based on the other existing issues.

it sounds like he has a lot on his plate regarding the dementia. So it’s understandable there will be times he needs to prioritise them and that’s not unreasonable. But it’s also not unreasonable for you not to want a relationship with someone who has a curfew of 8.30.

I am sorry for your loss as well. I lost my dog a few years ago and it was so painful.

I’m with you, OP. Your partner lives at home and is taxi-ing around parents to appointments when they have the ability to be independent and make their own way to them or get a taxi for. That’s kind of him but given that you had a pet bereavement it wouldn’t have killed them to have been less selfish and got a taxi. Your partner’s mum sounds particularly clingy. And he doesn’t sound like he can be an adult and say no to his mummy.

You’re being ridiculous but do the guy a favour and end it as planned.

Sounds like a teen relationship.
You need to start going out with a bonafide adult.

It's not an accurate representation of the situation to repeatedly say his parents are fit and well if his father has dementia is it? Most people wouldn't expect him to abandon his dad who is having periods of confusion. So there's some misrepresentation here.
As for if he's a worthwhile boyfriend in other ways I've no idea and don't care to comment. The aita is about the appointment and the dementia drip feed is enough to decide op is unreasonable.

It doesn't really matter if your feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. You don't have to stay with a man you don't feel supports you and loves you. If this has made you change your mind about him - that's enough.