Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 13/02/2026 21:27

Sorry for your loss.
The problem here is not his behaviour today. The problem is that as a 30 year old man he is letting his mummy set him a curfew of 8.30pm. How on earth are you attracted to such a baby?

Marmalade71 · 13/02/2026 21:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

pestowithwalnuts · 13/02/2026 21:23

I agree with everyone else. You're unreasonable.
It not easy to change a dentists appointment. ..and probably far easier to change a crem appointment for your poor cat.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Blades2 · 13/02/2026 21:23

You are not a priority over his parents.
and you shouldn’t be either.

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2026 21:22

HelplessSoul · 13/02/2026 21:06

Sue me for valuing a human life over an animal.

I said nothing nasty at all other than my viewpoint. Shame you cannot see that.

Since when was a bloody checkup a life or death situation? Your comment was worse than nasty. It isn't me who should be ashamed.

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:19

Piepiebuttonpie · 13/02/2026 20:12

It's not an accurate representation of the situation to repeatedly say his parents are fit and well if his father has dementia is it? Most people wouldn't expect him to abandon his dad who is having periods of confusion. So there's some misrepresentation here.
As for if he's a worthwhile boyfriend in other ways I've no idea and don't care to comment. The aita is about the appointment and the dementia drip feed is enough to decide op is unreasonable.

The OP also said the dentist is 5 minutes by car, the parents, are fit and healthy, get out and about and it is mild onset.

HK04 · 13/02/2026 21:18

Gosh OP you hit the nuclear button reactively and super quick!

More an emotional than rational reaction but kindly, can understand where you are coming from even if don’t agree.

Hoping all is not lost. Seems a lot of good in there too. Not all is black/white. From his side the rearrangement maybe not so simple.

Sorry too about your wee puss.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:18

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:14

She explained that it was very minor and father is perfectly capable of getting on with his life.

I'm unsure how she knows that when she hardly even sees her 'boyfriend' nevermind his parents.

He no longer drives, was an alcoholic and has onset dementia, had a fall last year leaving him shook. Yes, of course there's probably lots he can still do... but she still clearly said he has it. If the man wants to prioritise his parents, that's completely fine. It just probably isn't the relationship the OP wants. Nothing wrong with either, they just aren't compatible.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 13/02/2026 21:16

Goditsmemargaret · 13/02/2026 21:08

I'm definitely a cat person and would be devastated also. I am very sorry and understand your pain.

However yabu. His parents are alive, they are people and they are relying on him today. He couldn't let them down. Going to the crematorium isn't an emergency even if it's very emotional.

Yabu.

This, especially when it’s “you need to cancel your plans or I’ll dump you, I’m not cancelling what I’ve got on, but you need to”!

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:14

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:08

She literally said he has onset dementia.

I didn't make it up.

She explained that it was very minor and father is perfectly capable of getting on with his life.

TowerRavenSeven · 13/02/2026 21:13

Nothing to break up about imo but I doubt this is the real reason.

Discombobble · 13/02/2026 21:12

This isn’t really about the cat, it’s about trying to have a relationship with someone who cannot separate himself from his mother - it’s not going to work in the long run

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:10

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 20:53

Some people are just so unnecessarily rude and unkind. I always wonder if you get a wave of pride when you speak to people in such a way?
Reminds me of the sort of person I'm glad I'm not.

OP you were not unreasonable. Even without the full story you were not unreasonable.

It had nothing to do with prioritising your cat over his parents. He prioritised his parents over your grief.

There are some ludicrous posts on here. The idea that parents need molly coddling in this way is bizarre.

AquaFurball · 13/02/2026 21:10

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:36

He does live with them yes.
So he spends a lot of time with them. But if I suggest we spend a weekend day together his mom gets upset and tells him she wanted to spend the day with him and so he'll tell me we will do it another time as his mom needs him.
I do think they emotionally blackmail him in a lot of instances but that's another thread.

I can see from responses that I have probably acted when highly emotional and so illogically without stopping to think.

So sorry about your loss of your beloved cat.🌈🐾

I don't think you acted illogically at all. In that moment it was clear to you that he will never prioritise you over his parents. What you had on your hands was a failure to launch, grown ass man still living with mummy who couldn't even spend the night with you and you got rid of him. Well done.

It's very clear you don't expect to be prioritised all the time and have been very patient. You do deserve to come first sometimes and he couldn't even call a taxi to take his fit, healthy and not elderly parent to the dentist and spare you an hour of his time compassionately.

Beatriz85 · 13/02/2026 21:08

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:36

He does live with them yes.
So he spends a lot of time with them. But if I suggest we spend a weekend day together his mom gets upset and tells him she wanted to spend the day with him and so he'll tell me we will do it another time as his mom needs him.
I do think they emotionally blackmail him in a lot of instances but that's another thread.

I can see from responses that I have probably acted when highly emotional and so illogically without stopping to think.

Very strange "bond" with mum. How old is he?? I wouldn't be very vary of him. My friend had a boyfriend, and later fiancé that was major mummy's boy. Did not end well, mummy won

Goditsmemargaret · 13/02/2026 21:08

I'm definitely a cat person and would be devastated also. I am very sorry and understand your pain.

However yabu. His parents are alive, they are people and they are relying on him today. He couldn't let them down. Going to the crematorium isn't an emergency even if it's very emotional.

Yabu.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:08

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:04

No, that isn't what she said.

She literally said he has onset dementia.

I didn't make it up.

HelplessSoul · 13/02/2026 21:06

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2026 21:00

Are you for real? That's one of the nastiest posts I've ever read on here. It's actually psychotic.

Sue me for valuing a human life over an animal.

I said nothing nasty at all other than my viewpoint. Shame you cannot see that.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:05

FairKoala · 13/02/2026 21:04

My thought are why don’t they do things for themselves?

I do think it was unreasonable for his parents to cancel the appointments
But I do think it is reasonable that you broke up with him.

If he is like this now and they are mobile.

It is only going to get worse

I am probably older than his parents and the idea that I would get my children to run around after me is a completely alien concept when I can do all these things for myself

OP mentioned the father has dementia

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:04

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 20:32

Tbf OP said that the father has dementia

No, that isn't what she said.

FairKoala · 13/02/2026 21:04

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:21

Parents are early 60s and mobile, healthy enough to travel and do things unaided.

My thought are why don’t they do things for themselves?

I do think it was unreasonable for his parents to cancel the appointments
But I do think it is reasonable that you broke up with him.

If he is like this now and they are mobile.

It is only going to get worse

I am probably older than his parents and the idea that I would get my children to run around after me is a completely alien concept when I can do all these things for myself

Pumpkinmagic · 13/02/2026 21:03

Sorry about you cat, I know how devastating it is. In the kindest way I think this is a complete over reaction. Maybe if you do sort it out, try and change your mindset, how lovely that you have such a kind and caring partner who looks after his family.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you the boyfriend 😂

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2026 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you for real? That's one of the nastiest posts I've ever read on here. It's actually psychotic.

Mymanyellow · 13/02/2026 20:55

Sounds like the final straw for you. Never staying over, has to be in by 8.30 is ridiculous. Probably won’t get better either.
Although a bit hasty in this instance I can see why you did it.