To end relationship over this?

5 minutes in a taxi. No buses needed.

You did the right thing, you'll never be a priority for this man and he will continually let you down.

You deserve better!

Would you tell your father with onset dementia take a bus last minute to an appointment because your girlfriend scheduled her appointment for that time.... instead of the girlfriend scheduling her appointment with the crematorium for a little bit before or after?

Both appointments should have been doable.

Also, poor dental health has a known strong correlation with cognitive decline, so if the father has already been identified as having early stage dementia, his doctor has probably stressed the importance of having a good dental care regimen.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It doesn't bode well for the future as his parents are only going to need more rather than less assistance as time goes on and it sounds like he is always going to feel under pressure to be 'on call' for them. I'm sorry about your lovely cat.

so sorry for the loss of your cat.

Just wanted to say that our dentist gives us a strike if we miss an appointment or don’t rearrange it in good time. Two strikes and they will take us off their register.

I wouldnt suggest you finish with him but I do think you need to have a discussion with him. He has conflicts of interest. This does not seem to be the first time he has chosen to support his parents rather than you. He sounds very strong on duty. You must tell him how sad you are about the sudden death of your cat. We have cats. One was run over -took us both months to get over it. So sad for your loss.

A pet dying is so much more of a big deal than a routine appointment. And if the OP is needy and demanding, then what does that make the parents?! I've seen posters absolutely slated on here for saying that people considerably older than them are elderly, but somehow in this situation it's fine for them to expect their son to be at their beck and call? 60s is working age. I don't think this was an overreaction at all.

Kind parents would have taken a bus or taxi to their appointments and let their son take care of you in this unexpected distressing situation.

He is far too enmeshed with his needy, demanding parents. Shame, because he sounds a good guy in other ways. But it looks as if the parents will never let him prioritise his relationship with you, let alone marry you.

So sorry for your loss, how awful that you had to deal with this alone. I can imagine that it felt like the icing on the cake of your partner is constantly putting you below his parents in his priorities.

I voted YABU about the issue that tipped you over BUT this is clearly part of a huge massive picture of you constantly feeling second best and it's perfectly reasonable for you to be devastated twice over. Firstly by losing your pet unexpectedly and secondly when you realise that even in a time of emotional distress he still won't put you first for the afternoon.

If this relationship isn't working for you that's not unreasonable. From what you have described it wouldn't work for most independent grown adults. His relationship with his parents isn't healthy and because of that his romantic relationship isn't healthy either.

You can not cancel an appointment at such short notice!
They would have still had to pay for the appointment.
You sound very needy, expecting his parents to either walk or get a taxi to get to the dentist, what’s wrong with you getting a taxi or walking or even taking the cat to the vet and letting them sort out the cremation?
As for going to the chapel of rest, is it such a thing for an animal?
Are you religious?

Really sorry about your cat. Losing a pet is devastating and people underestimate the pain. Dentist appointments are difficult to rearrange, but I would have got parents an uber. A friend is a friend, whether they have two feet or four.
Sounds like a good idea to chuck this one back.

I'm so sorry you had to go alone. It must've been really tough. I hope you and he can get together soon and he can comfort you. Doubtless he felt torn and would've been with you if he'd felt he possibly could. Try not to punish him, or yourself by ditching him.

im all for th lifts an help but hes not allwed to stay over-how old is this man

you know theres no future dont you

Going to assume you've got limited experience with dementia tbh. Even in early stages it's not easy and cancelling pre arranged plans can exacerbate confusion and cause distress. Also op has repeatedly minimised it by referring to them as 'fit' 'healthy' or whatever else so who even knows how mild it is.

Getting back to the actual point though, why should he prioritise taking the poor cat to the crematorium and leaving his parents in the lurch (incl dad with dementia)? I understand op was upset but honestly this is not time sensitive and a reasonable person would not expect this.

Even with early stages of dementia, a change in a planned routine can really unsettle the person and cause a lot of confusion (speaking as someone that has witnessed a family member with dementia from early stages). It’s a horrible disease, and your partner did right to keep his father’s appointment and avoid that distress for him. As you say, parents won’t be here forever and his father is suffering a degenerative brain disease so it’s understandable your partner wanted to stick to his commitment to him and not have regrets about letting he father down.

The op is also fit and healthy, able to get out and about… would he still be in the wrong if he offered to accompany her at the other times in the day op has said shes got other things on? Why does it have to be the exact time of his parents appointment?..

A checkup, especially for someone with dementia, can be the difference between life and death for some people.

If my comment about valuing a human life over a cat is nasty, then thats a "you" problem.

I‘m so sorry to hear about your cat and as a cat lover I completely understand you‘re upset but your being massively unreasonable. How old are you? I feel you should be able to cope with your cat‘s passing on your own - sorry if that makes me sound harsh. You certainly don’t get to dictate your partner’s behaviour. Do him a favour and leave him be - you sound overly dramatic and attention seeking - and I mean that kindly. It’s like you’re competing with his commitments to his parents who are elderly. You’re in the wrong and I know you’re having a terrible time but you shouldn’t try and force a partner‘s hand like that.

…this was something so big to me.

To you, yes. Making sure his parents got to their (difficult to arrange) appointments was important to him. I’m sorry for your loss OP and completely understand how devastating it is when a pet dies, especially in such a sudden way, but your DP was just concentrating on his commitments, which is something to be admired in a world where so many people don’t seem to give a shit. If he’s not a ‘pet person’ he very reasonably would have expected you to handle the situation yourself. Many of us do!

This 100% has been my experience of my last partner. He would absolutely point blank refuse to put my needs above his mother's or ex wife's, or even his ex in laws', even when there was a clear and important reason that any sane person would agree to. I would be wary of it being a symptom of enmeshment given OP seems to feel unprioritised generally, and if it goes the way mine did, it won't improve.
PS. I am so sorry about your beloved cat, OP.

Its etc (etcetera) not ect. (Ectcetera)

To be honest you aren’t priority. not today not any day.

I would have ended it with someone after about 3 months if they refused to stay the night. And someone whose mum dictates when they come home as an adult. Never ever date a mummy’s boy. It doesn’t end well.

While I do think you were unreasonable today - it’s based off you never being his priority and that shines through.

Honestly I would tell him it’s not really about today but today was the straw that broke the camels back. You aren’t his priority and he needs to either do something about it or accept it’s over.

Given his dads condition he may well want to be a carer to him so it’s probably the end of the relationship and I would prepare for that being the outcome.

How have you put up with him for so long ? Do you have low self esteem ?