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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/02/2026 18:37

I think you’re unreasonable staying with a manbaby who has an earlier curfew than most secondary school kids and who can’t stay the night because mummy gets upset at thought of her little soldier shagging.

Honestly you’ve already wasted 18 months waiting for him to cut the apron strings - don’t waste another minute

ValidPistachio · 13/02/2026 18:37

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:31

Can I ask genuinely, what part of me is being too needy and a brat?

I see him maybe 3 times a week for around 2 hours of an evening. He 'has' to be home by 8.30pm.
So I get 6 hours of his time a week, which for the most part my children are also with us, so we rarely actually get alone time.
So I'm genuinely confused where I'm being needy.

Yet another dripfeed!

HellsBells13 · 13/02/2026 18:36

Do you feel that this was the straw that broke the Camels back? Maybe he does not make you feel first place in any aspect? Perhaps with his baggage it was for the best?

Arlanymor · 13/02/2026 18:35

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 18:33

No OP ended an 18 month relationship with a man who has an 8.30 p. m curfew to be home and whose mother won't allow him to stay at OP's place overnight.

Edited

That's not why she ended it - she ended it over his reaction to the sad passing of her cat. I personally would end a relationship the first time someone said to me: "My mum won't let me stay over." Yuck, yuck, yuck. But she was accepting of that arrangement - even if she didn't like it - that's not the reason she ended it though.

MyBrightPeer · 13/02/2026 18:34

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:31

Can I ask genuinely, what part of me is being too needy and a brat?

I see him maybe 3 times a week for around 2 hours of an evening. He 'has' to be home by 8.30pm.
So I get 6 hours of his time a week, which for the most part my children are also with us, so we rarely actually get alone time.
So I'm genuinely confused where I'm being needy.

I thought you were being unreasonable re the appointments because no, they aren’t easy to rearrange but this update - ick. He’s not allowed to stay over and has to be home by a certain time? Ew.

Valentinny · 13/02/2026 18:34

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:13

Juat trying to answer some of the questions being asked.

Parents are not elderly/infirm. Capable of using a taxi and can afford it yes.

I do not ever expect to be put 1st every time. In fact I have been extremely patient and understanding over the course of our relationship so far. He has not yet spent the night as his mother would be upset about it if he did.
I never ask for much. I understand he has commitments which means we don't always get to spend a lot of time together some weeks. But on this occasion I'd hoped he'd understand I was going through something very painful to me and be there for me when I needed him.

In other ways it is the best relationship I've had. Communication is very good. We don't tend to argue, we discuss things. He's usually kind and understanding.
But his parents do tend to get their wants and needs met whereas I have to wait and be patient.

As I suspected there's more to this than just him appearing to be uncaring about your little cat. This feels like a 'last straw' to me. So make your decision based on how you see your life together going forward (or not).

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 18:33

Aberdeenusername · 13/02/2026 18:30

You ended a happy long term serious relationship because your partner didn’t drop his parents in an instant to take you to a cat crematorium…just ridiculous.

No OP ended an 18 month relationship with a man who has an 8.30 p. m curfew to be home and whose mother won't allow him to stay at OP's place overnight.

Blueuggboots · 13/02/2026 18:33

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. If it happened once, fair enough but your say yourself it’s a pattern.

Chloebeeps · 13/02/2026 18:33

OP run & run fast - do not look back. This is not the man for you. Too many red flags.
Feeling your pain at the passing of your cat.

IAmKerplunk · 13/02/2026 18:33

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:31

Can I ask genuinely, what part of me is being too needy and a brat?

I see him maybe 3 times a week for around 2 hours of an evening. He 'has' to be home by 8.30pm.
So I get 6 hours of his time a week, which for the most part my children are also with us, so we rarely actually get alone time.
So I'm genuinely confused where I'm being needy.

Bin him off op. A grown man who has a curfew - you are worth more than that

IAmKerplunk · 13/02/2026 18:32

Aberdeenusername · 13/02/2026 18:30

You ended a happy long term serious relationship because your partner didn’t drop his parents in an instant to take you to a cat crematorium…just ridiculous.

The same parents who won’t allow their ds to stay overnight with op. I imagine there is a whole load of fucked up dynamics going on with the bf and his parents.

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:31

Can I ask genuinely, what part of me is being too needy and a brat?

I see him maybe 3 times a week for around 2 hours of an evening. He 'has' to be home by 8.30pm.
So I get 6 hours of his time a week, which for the most part my children are also with us, so we rarely actually get alone time.
So I'm genuinely confused where I'm being needy.

OP posts:
JMSA · 13/02/2026 18:30

I’m so sorry about your cat but you overreacted. As a single mum, I’m used to getting on with things without a man. And it’s not like he was sat at home gaming and drinking beer.

Aberdeenusername · 13/02/2026 18:30

You ended a happy long term serious relationship because your partner didn’t drop his parents in an instant to take you to a cat crematorium…just ridiculous.

IAmKerplunk · 13/02/2026 18:29

Hang on, he’s not allowed to stay overnight at yours? How old is he? That would be enough to make me dump him.

Sorry about your cat 💐

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:28

Yes his parents exist and it is just he and them at home.
He has 2 siblings but one is up north and one is another country.
Yes he has lived away from them in the past but moved back when his father had a failing business and turned to alcohol. He saved the business and got his father sober. And just stayed living there.
He is not a carer for them no. His dad has onset dementia but up until last summer drove and was independent, his fall left him a bit unwell so he doesn't drive now. But even before that, his dad would drive to the supermarket for example but my partner would have to go with them.

OP posts:
holdmeup · 13/02/2026 18:27

I’m so sorry about your cat, I have one and he’s my beautiful boy. I couldn’t imagine being without him.

That said, you’re way too needy and if I was him, I’d be ending my relationship with you. I think you need to work on you.

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 18:26

Nos4r2 · 13/02/2026 18:20

Im sorry but there isn't a human that has died so don't understand your comparison.
I would be really upset if it was my cat not only the death but the shock of finding him. It would break my heart.
I think a lot of M Netters are quite cold when it comes to pets, but Im surprise they are on the elderly parents side as MN usually don't like elderly people.

"Elderly" - they're early 60s and mobile. I'm on OP's side, especially when you get the whole picture. His mother doesn't allow him to stay out overnight

Elektra1 · 13/02/2026 18:24

I’m extremely sorry about your lovely cat. I’m a cat slave too and know that I would be devastated in those circumstances. However, I would also recognise that the cat has died, nothing can change that, and my partner’s parent still needed taking to their appointment.

Part of owning a pet is knowing that one day they will die and it will be deeply upsetting. That is part of life, part of our experience as adult pet owners. Parents aren’t pets.

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 18:23

This reply has been deleted

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And I would hate to be the type of parent who demands my son takes me to the dentist or makes a fuss if he wants to stay overnight with his partner

Shitmonger · 13/02/2026 18:22

CruCru · 13/02/2026 18:14

Agreed - actually I’ve just put up a post on site stuff to ask that we can report AI posts for deletion.

You can. Just explain that it’s copy/paste AI in the reason for reporting. I’ve done it several times and they always delete the post.

Nos4r2 · 13/02/2026 18:20

Fodencat · 13/02/2026 16:41

So sorry to hear about your cat. I’d be in bits if it was my cat. I’d be more in bits if it was a human member of my family though. I think you need some perspective.

Im sorry but there isn't a human that has died so don't understand your comparison.
I would be really upset if it was my cat not only the death but the shock of finding him. It would break my heart.
I think a lot of M Netters are quite cold when it comes to pets, but Im surprise they are on the elderly parents side as MN usually don't like elderly people.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2026 18:20

I’m genuinely sorry to hear about your poor cat op.

But the minute my DP asks me to prioritise a dead cat over my parents, it would be over. Sorry op that’s just how it would be for me.

Notalotanota2026 · 13/02/2026 18:19

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FancyCatSlave · 13/02/2026 18:16

I do understand the cat situation, huge cat lover here and have had to deal with sudden loss. It is awful.

There is no urgency for the cremation though, and I have never attended, just had ashes back. I do think people place higher than a deceased cat though in terms of priority in this instance. Sorry though. I appreciate you aren’t thinking clearly and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t exit the relationship if you are ultimately unhappy. You don’t need a reason.

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