Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 13/02/2026 19:47

I'm sorry about your cat. You can end things for whatever reason you want. Personally I would not end it over a preexisting dentist appt. They not only cost money to miss but his parent could be in pain. I appreciate you were upset but you did not have a time frame of that exact moment you needed to do this journey.
But it does sound like you need someone more suited to your needs.

TheMatildaEffect · 13/02/2026 19:46

I think yabu about needing him to come running because of the cat. I have cats myself, so I'm not being heartless, just think it was unfair to expect him to cancel arrangements.

I think yanbu to want a better relationship with someone who will generally prioritise you, though.

I don't think he's the one for you, op.

MCF86 · 13/02/2026 19:45

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:31

Can I ask genuinely, what part of me is being too needy and a brat?

I see him maybe 3 times a week for around 2 hours of an evening. He 'has' to be home by 8.30pm.
So I get 6 hours of his time a week, which for the most part my children are also with us, so we rarely actually get alone time.
So I'm genuinely confused where I'm being needy.

Ok so I think expecting him to drop everything on this occasion was unreasonable... but he's not a catch is he. Leave anyway.

Manxexile · 13/02/2026 19:45

I don't understand why you are asking if you are BU to end the relationship because your partner prioritises his parents over your dead cat when the far more worrying thing is that his parents won't let him stay at yours overnight and he has to be home at 8:30pm.

You need to get a sense of what is really importnat and what isn't.

Revavalley · 13/02/2026 19:43

Sorry for your loss OP. Its traumatising losing a pet especially young and so suddenly. Gently I don't think this is a good relationship for you. He's a mamas boy...home by 8.30pm?? Christ he's an adult!

ScribblingPixie · 13/02/2026 19:43

I'm sorry for the loss of your cat, and I don't think you're overreacting. I think this is a moment of clarity when you decide that you want a partner who will be there for you in moments of crisis, and that you will not get that from this man, perhaps for more than one reason.

Justsewsew · 13/02/2026 19:42

So sorry about your cat. I think I'd be more concerned that a man of his age is not allowed to stay with you overnight. His mother is highly unlikely to change and I would finish it for that reason alone

Ninerainbows · 13/02/2026 19:41

HappyToSmile · 13/02/2026 19:35

I Think maybe you picked a bad example, because no, his parents could not "just" change their appointments
However, he does seem too enmeshed with his family. Still lives with them and has to be home by 8.30 and you only ever allowed to see him for 2 hours?? It also sounds like that wont change, so if you need/want more, then I would likely end it.
Sorry about your cat x

Agree. Immediately before a dental appt when you have said his dad cannot drive, then no, I wouldn't expect him to rearrange that for something where you could physically drive yourself. But I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone this enmeshed.

PieLoe · 13/02/2026 19:38

Id be upset about the cat too, so sorry.
Id leave him to it.

Dentist is important.

He can’t heal your pain :( no matter what.

But I understand how you must feel in the relationship. Weigh it up after dealing with the loss.

Sorry for you OP

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 19:37

His parents aren't elderly.
They're 60's but fit, mobile and capable of independent living.

OP posts:
Twattergy · 13/02/2026 19:36

To flip it, you could see it as admirable that he honours his commitment to his (elderly i'd assume) parents? If this is just one in a series of not feeling prioritised then maybe yes this is the end. Otherwise you could give him some grace on this one IMO.

HappyToSmile · 13/02/2026 19:35

I Think maybe you picked a bad example, because no, his parents could not "just" change their appointments
However, he does seem too enmeshed with his family. Still lives with them and has to be home by 8.30 and you only ever allowed to see him for 2 hours?? It also sounds like that wont change, so if you need/want more, then I would likely end it.
Sorry about your cat x

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 19:35

He says he wants it to change and he has made some steps towards it but his mom is good at turning on the tears and he says she's upset and he needs to spend the time with her.

There is no religious views regarding the staying over. I just don't think she wants to share her son.
He's one of 3 but the only son.
He says his mom is his life ect and that's lovely and I hope my children love me as much when they are adults but one day his mom won't be around anymore and he'll have wasted his whole adult life not forming his own family.

OP posts:
MrsBuntyS · 13/02/2026 19:32

Sorry about your cat. This man isn’t for you, his mum will always be his priority and it sounds like she will not let him go. Find someone you can have a healthy, adult relationship with. I’ve been with my husband for 19 years and his mum has never accepted me, it is no way to live.

Ilovelurchers · 13/02/2026 19:30

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:13

Juat trying to answer some of the questions being asked.

Parents are not elderly/infirm. Capable of using a taxi and can afford it yes.

I do not ever expect to be put 1st every time. In fact I have been extremely patient and understanding over the course of our relationship so far. He has not yet spent the night as his mother would be upset about it if he did.
I never ask for much. I understand he has commitments which means we don't always get to spend a lot of time together some weeks. But on this occasion I'd hoped he'd understand I was going through something very painful to me and be there for me when I needed him.

In other ways it is the best relationship I've had. Communication is very good. We don't tend to argue, we discuss things. He's usually kind and understanding.
But his parents do tend to get their wants and needs met whereas I have to wait and be patient.

I think in the case of the dentist appointment you were being unfair. They could have called an Uber, but so could you.....

HOWEVER, to me the much more glaring thing is the fact that we have an adult male here who cannot spend the night with his long term girlfriend because his mum would be upset???? I would find this MASSIVELY off putting myself.

Does she have religious views? Or some other form of opposition to sex before marriage? Either way, he is entitled to make his own choices and I could not remain attracted to an adult who was so in thrall to his parents views ....

So I think you made a good call, dumping him, and that he should remain dumped!

And I am so sorry for the loss of your pet. Cats are great - when I lost my really special cat suddenly when I was in my 20s, I felt like I had blood poisoning!

LeopardPants · 13/02/2026 19:29

This is nuts. Ignoring the cat issue, he has a curfew and spends weekends with his mum instead of you? And he can’t stay at yours because she’ll get upset? He’s done well to get a girlfriend at all! Run far away - you’ll always be second place. Find a proper grown up to date!

TheAutumnCrow · 13/02/2026 19:27

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 18:31

Can I ask genuinely, what part of me is being too needy and a brat?

I see him maybe 3 times a week for around 2 hours of an evening. He 'has' to be home by 8.30pm.
So I get 6 hours of his time a week, which for the most part my children are also with us, so we rarely actually get alone time.
So I'm genuinely confused where I'm being needy.

I agree with all the posters saying that this is the reason that you should end (and should have already ended) the relationship.

I’m also very sorry about your cat. I appreciate that it was your much loved pet and companion.

Whyarepeoplesuchwankers · 13/02/2026 19:23

Cheese55 · 13/02/2026 19:15

Can you not see this is the same for him? He says you're being selfish because you're expecting to come first. Medical appointments are important

They. Could. Have. Gone. By. Taxi.

Supporting your bereaved partner is important. Way more important than saving someone having to pay for a taxi by driving them yourself. The parents had plenty of notice to arrange a taxi for the dentist appointment.

Pineappleice43 · 13/02/2026 19:23

I've read all the updates and I think he's under the thumb of his parents, not just because of this appointment but he has to be back home by certain times, he can't sleepover and so on. He's in his 30s! He sounds weak and can't say no to his mum for you and that speaks volumes. I'd have a chat with him, see if he is willing to put his foot down with his mum more and be there for you and out your relationship first. If he's not or doesn't show up in future then I'd leave and find someone who will treat you like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them.

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 19:22

pocketpairs · 13/02/2026 19:17

Clearly an alien concept to you, but (some) children do this for elderly parents..

They are early 60s, mobile without money issues. I'm 66 and my husband is 71. We don't even accompany each other to hospital or dental appointments, far less expect our son to take us.

SingingHedgehog · 13/02/2026 19:20

I don’t think you are being ridiculous, but I do not think it is about the sad death of your beloved cat. This is just one more thing in a very long list of things that are making you realise he may not be the one… take this time to reflect… if it is meant to be, it will be x

QuaintMauveCrow · 13/02/2026 19:19

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:45

I did have to go alone as I had no other option.
And yes I did the school run after with a red face and puffy eyes.

I'm ND so although it probably is strange for most people, I have much stronger bonds with animals than I do people and don't get these same feelings for human loss generally.
When I lost a close friend and my nan that was really bad though and for me losing animals is as painful as losing those people. I understand this isn't the same for everyone though but I guess what hurt was that my partner knows how deeply I love my animals and therefore I thought would understand the hurt I'd be feeling.

personally I feel that you feeling extremely let down and hurt by your partner not prioritising something that he should know would be utterly devastating for you, is completely valid. There is no comparison between having to rearrange a dental appointment and having no support while taking an animal you love to be cremated, I am shocked that so many people think otherwise if I’m honest!
I hope you manage to communicate well with your partner about how this made you feel and that if the relationship continues he shows you more love & respect moving forward 💐

pocketpairs · 13/02/2026 19:17

Cherrysoup · 13/02/2026 17:36

Why on earth is he taking them to the dentist? Hospital appointments, maybe, but why can’t they take each other?

Clearly an alien concept to you, but (some) children do this for elderly parents..

itgetsthehoseagain · 13/02/2026 19:16

You’re not compatible, OP. I think that if the death of your cat (sorry about that) is the benchmark for you partner to have to abandon his prior engagements, and if you can’t understand why he can’t, then your life is going to be a constant struggle to feel validated and defined. I don’t know any men who would have dropped their parent’s appointment to drive a partner in that circumstance, and I feel really sorry for him. It’s dreadful losing a pet - but I don’t think him not driving you is a measure of him not caring. I think he was being reasonable.

Cheese55 · 13/02/2026 19:15

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:16

I have nobody else to collect my children unfortunately. I have no family around.
I work in a school and the training wasn't optional or something I could have moved as it was outside company coming in to teach the 1 day course.

Can you not see this is the same for him? He says you're being selfish because you're expecting to come first. Medical appointments are important