To end relationship over this?

A man in his 30’s with a bedtime is a problem. He doesn’t want to cut the apron strings and commit to you. His parents will always come first.

@Pandolly You said: But it isn't the reason why he couldn't support me, or spend time together, or sleep over.

So the first part - yes he should support you, but I understand why when he has made commitments to take his parents to two medical appointments that he wouldn't want to cancel that and cause them more difficulties in rebooking etc. It's very sad that your cat died, but it doesn't mean he's unsupportive not to drop everything. You've said a lot about his parents being about to get themselves to places (despite his dad not being able to drive) but also you could have taken yourself to the crematorium if absolutely necessary and it couldn't wait a day.

But in terms of spending time with you and sleeping over - yes of course he could do much better but you've not said anything about having taken him to task about either of these issues. Maybe the cat is the straw that broke the camels back? But I would walked WAY earlier if someone would only give me 6 hours a week and no overnights after 18 months. Do you think maybe you need to set better boundaries? I mean I know you are broken up now, but he seemed to treat you more like a hobby than a genuine relationship partner?

Plus what he said about his mother is just weird - I love mine to bits, but I have cut my apron ties, like most grown adults.

Sorry, but you were very needy and frankly quite pathetic.

It would have been far more disruptive for him and his parents.

You were trying to pull rank to make a point. You could have easily taken the cat or rearranged the cremation. You’re not 12!

I think it depends on what the dentist appointment was... Was it a root canal on the NHS, his mum has been suffering for ages and can't drive. Or was it a routine check up at a private dentist that can easily be rearranged?

If the former, I think you are being extremely unreasonable. If the latter than you are not! Unless his parents are very rural, surely if it was routine they could have got a taxi?

Sorry for the loss of your cat.

I think you are being unreasonable in expecting him to drop everything to take you to the pet crematorium. Cancelling the dentist at the last minute can lead to a charge and it’s not easy to get another appointment (same with hospital appointments). I don’t think you can expect him to put you before his parents, I am guessing they are getting old and maybe need his support to get around? The only people that come before my parents are my kids.

Of course it’s up to you if you end the relationship, you can end it for what ever reason you like, but I don’t think this alone warrants being dumped. Having to care for your parents/run around after them is pretty normal as they get older.

Did you read any of the thread before posting that sanctimonious post?

oh OP i’m so sorry to hear this, losing a pet is one of the hardest things x
i’m not sure why everyone thinks it’s unreasonable! i even saw a snide comment about taking time off work

for some people (myself included), i feel the same about animals as i do humans. i just spoke to my DP about it and he agreed he’d come straight home - appointments can be rearranged and you needed him. alternatively, he could’ve dropped them and arranged a cab for them to get home, and come straight to you.

i get very bad vibes from people who think animals aren’t as important and those who think it’s pathetic when people get really upset about them.

sending you lots of love and again, i am so sorry for your loss x x x x x

@Pandolly I'm sorry about your cat.

Deleted the rest as I've just seen the update about dementia. That does change my view. Totally different to my health at a similar age

Couldn't agree more !

You just said that his dad has early onset dementia. So no they are not 'fit, mobile and capable of independent living'. Maybe he does need the support to get to appointments.

Sorry about your cat but you're expecting your partner to have a lot of empathy towards you when really you seem to lack empathy towards his situation. A parent having dementia and knowing that there's no coming back, just a decline to the end, that is truly awful and very difficult to deal with. That's probably why he highly values time with them.

Empathy is give and take, op.

Have you apologised for ending it and are you back together?

Really? You want your children to give up their own lives to dote on you and remain tied to your apron strings? Or you want them to have a full and happy life?

A man who can't even spend the night with his partner because he has to go home to his mum isn't worth having really.

He wasn't asked to come running because of the cat. He was asked to support his partner in a traumatic situation. From what we've told the mother could have got there under her own steam.

You are v v unreasonable about him dropping a prior commitment because of a dead cat, but given the back story you are definitely NOT unreasonable to dump him.
Does his father need a lot more care than you've told us? If so he needs to support them to sort out some outside help. If not, the having to be home by 8:30 every night to be with his mother should be giving you permanent Ick.

Oh god this is the stuff of nightmares. Imagine living with him and being expected to fulfill the role of his mother. She probably lays his underpants out for him and puts the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

I am sorry for the loss of your pet OP. I DONT think you are being unreasonable this man boy is tied to his parents apron strings has to be home at 8.30. He has never put you first, this is the final straw get rid of him and start a new life, YOU deserve better. Big hugs and an arm round your shoulder life will get better.

I think it depends. If his parents are in good enough help and able enough to get a taxi, and ita a private dentist that won't strike you off, and it was a routine appointment, then yanbu. If they've got a raging abscess and are too frail to be on their own and it's nhs appointment then yabu

Well it's all part of it isn't it? It actually isn't about a cat. It's prioritising what may well have been very routine appointments for parents who are perfectly capable of getting to them under their own steam over something traumatic for the OP.

I'm so sorry about your cat.

I voted YABU but having read your updates, I actually think it sounds like you are constantly being made to feel second best to his parents. It's not much a relationship when you only see each other for a couple of hours a week and he can't see you at weekends because his mum doesn't like it.

You want a partner you can rely on to be there for you in times of need, and he isn't it. Maybe you were emotional and overreacted in the moment, but actually it sounds like ending the relationship is the right decision. There's nothing lonelier than being with someone who doesn't really care.

You need to walk away, this will not change and actually get worse as your relationship grows to the point you want to live together.

You are definitely not overreacting. There are plenty of other ways they could have got to their appointments. You needed emotional support and he thought being a taxi service to his darling mother was more important.

The worst kind of partner is a mummy's boy. Stick with your word and don't go back to him because you will never be more important than her.

I'm really surprised at the amount of people saying YABU.
One minute people are saying women need to raise the bar when it comes to expectations of their partner and the next they're saying you shouldn't expect any emotional or practical support if the partner is already booked to provide a free taxi service!

Expecting them to rearrange the dentist appointment was probably not the right call but you were very distressed so that's understandable, your partner could've said he'd book them a taxi.

I think you've absolutely done the right thing in ending the relationship. They should very enmeshed and it seems unlikely he'll ever put boundaries in place with his parents and prioritise you.