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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
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Illegally18 · 19/02/2026 15:07

LadyLolaRuben · 15/02/2026 23:46

I cant believe the volume of comments disagreeing with you.

I totally agree with you OP. You had a distressing emergency. Your boyfriend prioritised a non- urgent matter instead. You had to deal with the issue alone when he could have helped and supported you.

You were right to end things with him. It will happen again in some way at some point if you stayed together and you'll regret wasting your time on him.

Im so sorry about your little cat. At least he/she died safe at home and not when outdoors alone. You were able to see it through to a dignified end and say goodbye in your own way. You sound a great fur-mama. Be kind to yourself x

'fur-mama'????? FUR MAMA???? What a revolting concept and expression. The world is going more and more insane!

lilkitten · 17/02/2026 14:55

I think YABU. I'm AuDHD so I get how you were finding this particularly difficult and overwhelming, but I think you got lost in the overwhelm. If he is otherwise a good partner, I would make up with him.

Sally20099 · 16/02/2026 10:34

Hi OP, so sorry about your lovely cat. If this is the straw that broke your back and made you end the relationship I think that’s fine - ie a pattern of behaviour which is ongoing and not changing despite you highlighting it to him. I don’t think my DP would need asking to return if one of our animals died, he’d want to come back and be supportive. Likewise me with him. It’s not about getting your cat over to the vet for a cremation, you were asking for his help and support because you were in need. For a dentist appointment they could so easily just organise a taxi. I think it’s quite pathetic neither he or his parents understood your need for support vs a completion of a mundane task. I wonder what level of emergency it would require for him to head home for you. Make sure you weren’t just acting out of emotion and that this is what you really want though, but I am with you.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/02/2026 01:21

He should have came to see you and arranged a taxi to the dentist.

T1Dmama · 16/02/2026 01:16

I think on this occasion it was unfortunate his parents had dentist appointments which likely couldn’t be cancelled last minute.
lost if dentists take upfront payments now and insist on a minimum of 48 hours to cancel…
However being in his 30’s and having to be home by 8.30?? WHAT?? His mum not letting him stay over at yours?? WHAT??? I couldn’t go out with someone who is an adult but still such a mummys boy!

LadyLolaRuben · 15/02/2026 23:46

I cant believe the volume of comments disagreeing with you.

I totally agree with you OP. You had a distressing emergency. Your boyfriend prioritised a non- urgent matter instead. You had to deal with the issue alone when he could have helped and supported you.

You were right to end things with him. It will happen again in some way at some point if you stayed together and you'll regret wasting your time on him.

Im so sorry about your little cat. At least he/she died safe at home and not when outdoors alone. You were able to see it through to a dignified end and say goodbye in your own way. You sound a great fur-mama. Be kind to yourself x

Zerosleep · 15/02/2026 23:35

Bookaholicwithwine · 15/02/2026 18:22

uncalled for .

Show quote history

Absolutely uncalled for and more a comment about themselves than me I think.

Bookaholicwithwine · 15/02/2026 18:22

Sallycanwait44 · 14/02/2026 19:30

Jesus Christ, don't try to give sympathy by telling someone they are selfish and by saying sorry but.... What a nasty POS you are

Show quote history

uncalled for .

BudgetBuster · 15/02/2026 11:42

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2026 11:30

I’d tell him to call you again when he’s moved out of his parents’ house and is renting or bought somewhere of his own. You’re a grown woman with children to think about, what on earth do you want with a man who’s never paid rent or a mortgage or utilities of his own and exists like some overgrown teenager? What sort of future is there with a man you have to treat like another child?

Edited

OP has said he did live independently and moved back in to help rebuild his parents failing business and help get his father sober. His father now has dementia.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/02/2026 11:41

As has been asked before, does he work ?

LAMPS1 · 15/02/2026 11:40

If he’s willing enough to sit his parents down in front of you and spell out how they need to back off because you are very important to him, then why does he observe their 8.30pm curfew like a young child having to go home before he gets told off or punished.

It doesn’t make sense OP. He can’t have it both ways. With a foot in both doors.

You are wise to wait for positive action to prove he is independent of them, and capable of making his own decisions which centre you instead of them all the time. They are too young to be in need of a carer and chauffeur, all the time.

He has an awful lot to prove to you.

Princessofpumpkins · 15/02/2026 11:33

It’s probably best you split up…..you are emotionally attached to animals, he gives a greater priority to humans. This disparity of attitude is probably going to cause conflict so perhaps you would be badly matched….. both of you should find somebody better suited to the way you see things maybe? I think it would be best.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2026 11:30

I’d tell him to call you again when he’s moved out of his parents’ house and is renting or bought somewhere of his own. You’re a grown woman with children to think about, what on earth do you want with a man who’s never paid rent or a mortgage or utilities of his own and exists like some overgrown teenager? What sort of future is there with a man you have to treat like another child?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/02/2026 11:22

There are 168 hours in a week, you see him for 6 of these hours in a week so 'when we are together we have a great relationship, communication ect.'
I would hope / expect so as you barely see him.

Still there is a saying that actions speak louder than words, you got the words yesterday afternoon lets now see if the actions match up...

Economicsday · 15/02/2026 11:17

Whst a pleasant surprise OP.
I really hope he follows through.
I can only imagine the shock and upset of losing such a precious animal.
Mind yourself.

Amiacoolorwarmcolour · 15/02/2026 11:17

His parents are still of working age, they are no way near retiring age. Why on earth can’t they drive/catch public transport/walk/take a taxi?

Original poster
Pandolly · 15/02/2026 11:16

My children are ok. One is more upset than the other over losing our cat. We have other pets at home which are keeping us busy.

I'm going to tentatively wait and see if my partner actually sticks to his words. I said it's all well and good saying the right things but actions speak louder. We will see. I hope he does because when we are together we have a great relationship, communication ect.

OP posts:
vintedandminted · 15/02/2026 11:13

I think your days circumstances are irrelevant. Whilst being very sad. I'm a cat mum too ❤️
The point is your DP in every instance chooses his parents. I don't think you should be blaming his mum.
He chose not to support you.
He chooses to go home at 8.30pm.
He chooses not to spend weekends with you.
It's now your choice if this is good enough.

HHCrochetDiva · 15/02/2026 11:02

Gosh that’s quite the outcome OP. I do hope he is able to follow through and his parents are able to respect his relationship with you. Look after yourself. But just remember if he drifts back to old habits you need to call it a day for your own sake.

IAmKerplunk · 15/02/2026 10:48

How did his parents respond op? Does that mean he will be round for the whole evening in the next couple of days?

Hope your dc are ok too about the cat - losing a pet is hard 💐

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/02/2026 09:39

I think this thread should be held up as an example of the 'Read All the OPs Posts before Replying'

I hope you're doing better today, OP. Do you have a lovely place in mind for your cat's ashes to lie?

EH1768 · 15/02/2026 09:21

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are clearly, and understandably, emotionally fragile. I would expect your partner to listen and be supportive, but not to ditch obligations to his parents to drive you.

Original poster
Pandolly · 15/02/2026 09:08

I appreciate those who have taken the time to respectfully give their views on this, and also appreciate that I was acting irrationally due to the sudden shock I found myself in.

He dropped the bracelet off yesterday morning.
Then in the afternoon he rang inviting me round to his with my children.
I had a very honest talk to him and he acknowledged how losing my boy suddenly is extremely devastating to me. He apologised and said HE wishes he'd booked a taxi and came to me instead.

Anyway, when I got to his he sat me and his parents down and told them how i make him feel and I'm important to him and told his parents they need to essentially back off.
He even told them he should have been there on Thursday for me.
I must admit I'm really surprised and never expected that at all.
He got food and fed my children and it was actually a nice couple of hours.

Honestly the last few days have been a lot. I think I just need a day or so to decompress.
I'm hopefully picking my boys ashes up tomorrow or early in the week which will be hard.

But I genuinely appreciate those who kindly helped me see through my emotions.
This isn't just a cat. He came before my children. Was my companion as I lived alone. Moved house with me. So no it's not just a cat and losing him like this has been really horrible.
I feel sad for those of you who seem angry that a person can have so much love for an animal as you are missing out.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 15/02/2026 03:07

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

I dont think he is the man for you.

Findingthe · 15/02/2026 02:59

Hi honey. I have 4 cats. They are my world. It sounds like this is deeper. Hes been making you a 2nd priority for a long time. You were in crisis and he abandoned you. He wounded you when you were at your lowest. You now have this to add to your grief. He could have done a lot more. You are right to feel upset. Youre feelings are valid honey. He ignored your pain and distress. As for ending things- men are not naturally emotional, they are logical, they are wired different. They dont connect or communicate like us. He may not have seen the significance. I would tell him, I was in crisis and I felt like I really needed your support to feel some form of stability. When you didn't acknowledge this and didnt support me, I felt even more pain than I was already in. See what he says. If he approaches it with kindness and compassion that's a light bulb. If he ignores it and makes excuses, youre going to be treated the same way in the next crisis. You can choose if you want to be with him based on his response. Sending all my love x