To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

Why do you care what others do? I think you somehow feel inadequate. It’s something you should explore so that it doesn’t become a quality your child takes on. There are tons of things other families do that I wouldn’t and vice versa - just different people.

basically the difference between the top tier scientist etc, or the average joe.

Just because children take part in competitions, it doesn't necessarily mean that the parent 'always wants to win.' I tell my DCs all the time that winning isn't important, but it's fun to try new things, learn new skills, meet new people. I also tell them regarding school work that I am not so concerned with their grades as long as they can tell me they tried their best.
OP will be shocked to know that my children are always asking when I can take them to the museum, library, National Trust or English Heritage sites. Many children enjoy these things as much as their parents do. What should I do to avoid being judged by OP - should I tell my children that they are no going to go somewhere educational, even if they want to, and that instead they must sit glued to an iPad all day?

Having drive, ambition and energy are not to be knocked. We’re all different and so are our children.

Tbh I’m a bit like this because I grew up poor and now I’m not because of my education. I want my kids to be successful and I also want them to be able to go out into the world and be as prepared as possible. If I am brutally honest I want them to be up and on their own two feet, living independently by 20 and I think I’m equipping them for that. My mum really pushed us and I thank god everyday she did. I’m not really into mingling with wealthier families though I don’t have the social skills to be a social climber I’m too autistic.

As for cooking from scratch I am actually just really fussy and like my food a certain way, the health benefits are a bonus. I am partial to a cheeky finders crispy pancake though but I don’t feed my kids them.

Rubbish. I am similar to this mum except for the PTA part, but not a single aspect of my children's lives is on social media. Some of us are just motivated people who want to provide our children with opportunities.

Can confirm I cook from scratch, limit screen time (well they don't have screens so it's a non issue), encourage my DC to try lots of hobbies to find the things they like, volunteer on the PTFA and don't have or use Instagram. Genuinely wild to me that people think that's the only reason someone might make those choices.

All the ones I know are bright, ambitious and used to work in a very high paid, time consuming job. They give up work so they will actually be able to see their children for more than just the odd weekend when their work schedule allows it. They then have to channel that energy into something else.

I think you are very,very jealous. Why don't you concentrate on your own family instead of worrying about your family member (sister? SIL?). She probably isn't worrying about you.

I can also tell that you’ve touched a nerve with those kind of mums on here

I think the opposite. I think people who did and achieved little almost take pride in staying that way. Like competitive laziness.

Cooking meals from scratch and no screen time was the only option before the 1970s - what jumped up socially aspirational bitches our mothers and grandmothers were in their run down council flats.

My mum was like this and it was stifling and stressful as a kid

my assumption would someone who never achieved much in her own life and trying to relive it vicariously through the kids.

People are different - what a shocker. Stop dressing your jealousy up as faux concern and academic interest. What does it matter to you? Are you happy? Because you don’t sound it. I’m more interested in why you aren’t mentioning the other parent in this dynamic. My DH has a very high powered job, cooks from scratch, is a school governor and manages a girls football team on the weekend. Is he worthy of your concern or do you only get aerated about women?

Because, clearly, this woman has made the OP feel insecure about her own parenting.

Likewise we "mingle" with people we like but other than that most of this describes a lot of aspects of our lives. Most of it is perfectly normal to me. We've never used a tutor but that's because our kids don't struggle with any subjects at school, if they needed extra help I'd absolutely get it for them. I really can't see what's wrong with my kids eating home cooked food, going on interesting holidays where they learn about the world, having the opportunity to try any hobby or interest they like and not having access to any personal screens while at primary school. I also volunteer on the PTFA because someone has to find a way of paying for all the stuff that benefits the kids and the school doesn't have budget for.

More energy than you?
More ambition that you?
More self discipline than you?
More curiosity about the world than you?
More community spirit than you?

Just different?

Why tear down or pathologise anyone with aspirations or committmen?

Parenting is 20 years of your life - if you like historical sites and cooking from scratch, are you meant to put that on hold for two decades lest some random thinks you’re performing?

From the outside my sister could be described this way, except for the cooking. She is a high energy person and hates to do nothing so assumes everyone else is the same. I'm exhausted just hearing about her life. Most of her friends are wealthy and educated because thats the circles she moves in and where she lives, it's not some sort of orchestrated social mobility thing. She isn't trying to compensate for anything she just lives life to the fullest all the time.

I don't agree with pushing children into activities if they aren't happy though, that seems very unfair. Unless you know for sure the children are unhappy then it's hard to say. Dsis kids are all sporty and competitive, I think they take after her.

Are you sure you're not jealous, OP? Because this sounds like sour grapes to me. This woman sounds like she has a lot of energy, and wants to provide her children with opportunities and do her best for them. I'm struggling to understand how you could criticise someone for cooking from scratch, for example.
She might be looking at you and wondering why you don't care about your kids.

I attend school trips because the school doesn’t have many volunteers and I’m able to help out.

My DC do lots of activities and shows but it’s nothing to do with us pushing - it’s entirely their choice and they are the ones wanting to do these activities, we just take them there! I’d be exhausted doing it, but they aren’t!

We go on similar types of holidays because we all enjoy them.

We cook nice meals and limit treats at home; they do get them, just not whenever they want.

We’re strict on screen time, I don’t think this is a bad thing… it’s probably why they have lots of other interests!

I’m not on the PTA and don’t mingle but our family sounds similar otherwise, and we’re very happy!

ETA I didn’t mean to quote, just did it so I could see the OP quickly while replying then forgot to delete.

I’m sure it’s been said already (afraid I don’t have time to read the full thread) but do you have any idea how much hard work it is to run a PTA?! Maybe your community is more hands on but in ours it’s flipping difficult to get people to step up, added to which many just can’t fit it in along with work. Equally, school trips require an adult/child ratio - is she the parent stepping up to make sure they happen? I watch all my kids competitive sports - I’m there to support them - does that make me weird? And I also have a child who sees a tutor as they really struggle - would it be better if I just left them to fail and fall miles behind everyone else? Maybe she’s a bit full on, maybe she’s just trying to make sure her kids get the best start and don’t miss out on things she did or didn’t have. Stop being judgy, better an attentive parent than one who doesn’t engage at all I reckon!

You're conflating doing something with doing it performatively: these are two different things.

Sure, if a woman endlessly posts about her delightful home-cooked meals and her children's academic achievements on Instagram it's tedious bragging.

But wanting to go on a walk with your children or signing them up for after school basketball, or taking them to a museum isn't tedious bragging unless you plaster it all over the internet.

It may surprise you to learn that some women have motivations in their lives other than being on Instagram.

This woman hasn't taken to the internet to tell you though, her judgmental relative has lol!

I can't speak for the woman doing random school work (?) before and after school but my own children did their homework and my AuDHD son had some tutor help in secondary school for an extra two hours a week. Their lives weren't taken up with school work.

They had activities but downtime. We had family days and, as they got older, they had their days when they just hung out in their rooms when they wanted. No round the clock school work here!