Thoughts on my husband considering going darts/ pub this evening when I am really unwell and have two children aged 3 and a 7 month old baby

If you had two older children who reliably slept the night, then he might have a point. However, in your situation even suggesting going is pretty poor given a baby will, more than likely, wake up at some stage when he is out. I don't know what your 3 year old is like but I know mine, at that age, used to wake up pretty regularly, particularly if they were out of routine. Having a parent ill is definitely out of routine.

Perspective here from the wife of a workaholic whose job is surgeon/pilot genre.

Had it been midweek and had he had a big case in court, no he would not have come home early and for the mega cases he usually booked an hotel at that stage to guarantee sleep from about 1am to 5am. I picked up a huge amount and the one occasion when I was too ill to look after ds, he had to engage a temporary agency nanny for a week - £850 in 1995!

Had it been a Friday night, he'd have come straight home and would not have breathed the words or thoughts "pub" or "darts"

YANBU - he deserves itching powder in his pants.

Sadly it's a very typical scenario that many mums find themselves in. Many men don't ultimately care. Your well-being is not his priority, doesn't sound like it's ever been.

Mumsnet will tell you it's your fault and you should have picked an amazing man from the start.

Personally, my DH didn't reveal himself as useless and lazy until I got pregnant. Most women I know have the same problem. We just get used to carrying it all until we break and hopefully divorce.

No, when you're that ill you need his support. After work he needs to take over with the kids. So everything on the house that needs doing. I'm sure there a lot of housework as you've been unwell for a few days.
He can't go out of you're very unwell. You need to rest and sleep. Not have one eye open listening out for the baby. That's really unfair.

Some people have really low standards when it comes to men. They raise their tolerance and lower their standards for themselves because they feel they cannot get any better than what they have.

Don't be that type of person. It's a sad and desperate situation to be in.

Raise your standards ans treat him how he treats you. Go out on Valentines day and leave him with the kids all day. Tell him you'll be playing darts, or learning to, or you're going for a spa day.

If you're coughing up muck, you probably need some antibiotics.

Anyway, don't let him make you feel fearful enough that you don't make a stand. It's when partners make a stand we really find out what our significant others are all about.

@tellmesomethingtrue so grandma should take up the slack of parenting not the dad of the DC?

So far op has only stated that her mum is helping a bit in the afternoon. Not evening.

Still not an excuse for DH to not give a shit.

Her mum is there though.

Hang on what your mum lives with you? then she can be helping whilst your husband goes to work and doesn’t miss his important meetings.

It’s time to start thinking about LTB

YANBU. Flu came to our house recently and it completely wiped me out. My temperature was above 39°c and I couldn't stay awake. DP realised that this was not a situation where he could disappear for any amount of time, for any reason, and stayed home accordingly. If the kids had woken up, I wouldn't have known about it.
I've been this ill maybe two or three times in 7 years. Darts and the pub will be there next week, and the week after... It wouldn't kill your DH to miss one session.

I didn't even need to read your post, OP, the heading was enough: No, YANBU. Of course your DH should prioritise caring for his sick wife and three children over going to the pub.

Are you able to secretly book a hotel for the night and as soon as he comes back from work, you leg it out the door?

Op YANBU

My DH and I have an understanding that if one of us ill, we are allowed to rest and the other parent steps in.

You must have had really amazing kids and babies that slept well.

I’ll be totally honest @Biosblbay, I’ve just done a quick search of your posts (I don’t usually do this) and this prince of yours is the dipshit that’s arranged to go to Vegas with his mates and didn’t tell you. I remember reading that thread at the time and most probably commented on it.
Honestly, he is a selfish man who clearly doesn’t prioritise you or your children. I think you have some big choices to make.

Given your kids are likely to wake up, your DH should most definitely be staying at home tonight. At least you had the support of your mum this afternoon! All mums of young kids need support. It should be the dad,of course, but if he's useless it's amazing that your mum is there, until you can deal with him.

This - but if your mucus is green you need antibiotics.

agree with susie above, youll be on here a lot in future ss it sounds like he doesn’t understand how much you do and thinks it’s a breeze and doesnt understand how to look after someone thats ill.

regarding green gunk being coughed up- thats likely infection and you'll need antibiotics to clear it. get the gp today if you can as mondays a long way away.

talking of which, make sure he does everything you do for the kids at the weekend. many men seem to think that when a woman is on may leave it means she works 24/7.
it doesn’t to me
to me it means she and he do their respective jobs during the day and muck in the rest of the time, with him having less of night feeds (if bottle fed) so he can get to work wirh a clear head, but still doing some.

id write a list of all to be done so you can start letting him see putting the kids to bed isn’t just jammies and bed, it’s also putting clothes away, laying out clothes, mending things or whatever.
it’s like a swan, everything like a well oiled wheel on top, furious paddling like a maniac underneath…. he only sees the swan. you can tell him about the other stuff tho.

hope you feel better soon.

Honestly it’s so hard when you’re feeling terrible, I’ve got your back! 💪 Hope you’re feeling better soon!

Mine would variously be up the entire time he was out and then half the rest of the night.
he’s a horrible person op. When you go back to work, make sure he does the pick up and dinner most nights. Then you work late and come home and look blank, make him step up. Or the mornings if you can get up and go and leave him to it. For what it’s worth my dh was pretty unhelpful when I was ill with babies to look after. He really only changed when I said if this was his idea of love then I wanted a divorce because at the moment, I was not growing old with him and statistically as you get old one of you will get sick and I was definitley absolutely not caring for him if he had cancer or surgery so I needed to leave as fast as I could to find someone decent to grow old with.