When did you let your teens spend the night with the girlfriend/boyfriend?

You can’t make them wait . If they want to have sex they will, somewhere, anywhere: doorways, park benches, in cars, at friend’s homes. What you can do is talk to him about the importance of contraception with every partner he has. He should always use a condom, even if a partner says she is on the pill. One friend said to me ‘she has stolen my baby’. I explained to DS that getting pregnant would affect the girl more than him - in that he could still go off to university - but stressed how would he feel if a baby of his was aborted? Or if she had the baby but didn’t want him involved?

I have a different perspective on this. I had a steady boyfriend who I was with from 15-17, we had to sleep in separate rooms when we stayed at each other's houses. (We still had sex but it was in the day when his parents were out). At 17 I got a new boyfriend and his mum allowed us to stay in his bedroom - I hated it. I hated his expectation that we'd have sex every time, I hated his parents knowing we were having sex - I felt pressured and embarrassed. It didn't last long.

Buy him some condoms. Talk about consent and then talk about consent again. They'll be having sex, you may as well just try to ensure it's safe and consensual.

Banning it will just cause him to not talk to you about this sort of stuff. Best to keep communication open so he can turn to you if needs be

Knowingly let them in my house 16 although at least with DS1 I'm 99% sure that wasn't the first time or first girl. He has settled down a lot since then thank God.

We don’t feel comfortable with them “playing house” so officially don’t allow it. He occasionally stays in the spare room since they were 16. Been together 18
months he’s a lovely lad and zero drama in the relationship

@JustGiveMeReason you know not everyone wants to go to uni right ?

16 is fine. They’re old enough to decide and I’m not sure when stopping a teen from havibg over night stays ever stopped them from having sex. By stopping the overnights though you may stop him from confiding in you so much in the future.

2 months is too short of a relationship for sex, regardless of age.

I'm not sure how you are best to navigate this.

Had you spoken to him about timelines about dating beforehand during his teen years? What expectations had you set?

I just think 2 months is incredibly short.

Never when teens. My house, my rules. I don’t get ‘they’re going to do it anyway’. I wasn’t going to make it easier for them. They both went away to Uni at 18 so they were doing what they liked then, just not at home.

Because at 16/17 they’re not emotionally ready for deeply intimate adult relationship. They’ll probably still have sex, but sleeping over is another level.

Exactly this. Those of us saying don’t allow it aren’t thinking it will stop them having sex, but it will definitely lessen the opportunities and frequency.

It will also mean they’re not playing at deeply intimate adult relationships they’re not ready for at such a young age - spending all night in the same bed (sex aside) is very different than grabbing half an hour at home to do it while no one else is in.

I think 17 is fine and especially if her parents are ok with it.

Better that they feel able to have a relationship that is accepted within and as part of a family set up.

What matters is mutual respect, mutual consent, contraception, contraception, contraception. Which you will no doubt have talked about?

Sneaking about is more likely to lead to not having condoms to hand.

I think you’re being a bit naive if you think postponing the sleepover will stop them having sex but if it’s genuinely about the being away from home that’s slightly different. He’s almost 17 though, you can’t protect him at home forever. Would you ever consider letting his gf stay at yours?

When it was legal. I’d have preferred it to be happening under my own roof but DH not keen. Met the mum first. They were at school together. He’s a lovely young man. DD has knocked the edges off.

I never did..

I think you're being very unreasonable to let them "cuddle" (yeah, right...) in the bedroom.

We're all still talking and very fond of each other, and it's been five years since the youngest was a teenager.

Overnights can start in student halls at university. I want my teen to be responsible for managing her own life a bit and to have to manage some real independence in order to have sleepovers. It’s about having maturity and dealing with the reality of life as opposed to just playing house.

i fully recognize this doesn’t stop sex and do not care. I’m just not going to encourage emotional intimacy in teenagers who don’t have any adult stressors like remembering to pay the rent or fill a prescription.

They will have sex, it’s inevitable. My daughter left home at 21 and was never allowed to let her boyfriend sleep over, due to my husband being very old school. I didn’t want it either to be honest. We’re 58 and 62, a generation thing I believe. Our parents wouldn’t allow it and we’d find it uncomfortable, 🤷‍♀️

I am of a different generation but I hardly knew anybody who could stay over at their boyfriend / girlfriend as a teen. My brother used to stay at his girlfriend’s parents when he was 17 and our whole family thought it was weird.

(My mother’s rule was no unmarried couples can share a room in her house that is irrespective of age….)

My DD was 17 when I first let her sleepover, she’d been with him for nearly a year at that point and she’d recently had the implant fitted. They’ve been together 4 years now, so very much an established couple away at uni together. I wouldn’t have let her if she’d been less serious. They’re def going to do it anyway, I figured letting her sleepover would let the relationship move to the next stage snd be more affectionate. He definitely respects her snd has deep feelings for her. It’s lovely to see.

They’ll have sex if they want to, but they’ll have a lot more sex if they can do so easily.

my DC’s have just turned 17 and while I’ve encouraged them to consider contraception and other issues around safe sex, I made it clear I think they’re better off waiting til they’re out of school and I put their boyfriends in separate rooms if they’re staying over. I assume, if they haven’t already, that they will have sex at some point and probably before they leave school.

But it’s not about trying to preserve some sort of innocence, it’s about lowering risk. The chances of pregnancy and other negative outcomes increase with frequency so I give out “you probably shouldn’t be doing that“ signals as much as I can without giving out “sex is bad” signals (I hope).

I 'allowed' it when both parties were 16. Not sure what difference my approval made to anyone though but at least they knew my opinion.

I would find it very difficult indeed to give my permission in this situation knowing full well that they’ll be having sex.

You’re right to make him wait, they’ve literally been together 8 weeks, who knows if it’ll last another 8. If it does maybe they’re serious. If it doesn’t then ‘thank god’ you made him wait - he’ll thank you in the long run!