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AIBU?

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Original poster

When did you let your teens spend the night with the girlfriend/boyfriend?

88 replies

BerryTwister · 12/02/2026 23:55

DS is going to be 17 in April. He’s been with his first ever girlfriend for about 2 months. They usually spend 2 afternoons/evenings together, in their bedrooms, I think just cuddling. She’s a sweet girl and they seem very happy. She’s about 6 months older than DS.

However, DS is a very “stressy” kid, lots of OCD traits, often anxious, takes life very seriously, just a very emotional person. And his girlfriend is also very anxious, lots of emotion, gets very worried about all sorts of things. They already had a couple of arguments when she got drunk at parties over Christmas and accused him of not paying her enough attention, or paying her too much attention - basically drunk teen stuff.

Anyway, they want to spend the night together, at her house. Her parents are fine with this apparently. The clear implication is that they’ll be having sex. Of course I can’t control what they do when they’re together during the day, but giving permission for a full overnight just feels too much too soon, given the degree of teen angst that’s been going on. I’m worried that DS doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout of taking the relationship to the sleepover stage.

But apparently I’m mean and horrible, and everyone else’s parents allow their kids to sleep with the partners at this stage. I’ve said he should wait till he’s 17 before they stay overnight, when they’ll have been together longer.

AIBU to have this rule? Should I be more permissive?

OP posts:
FullLondonEye · 13/02/2026 10:24

I understand all that, I'm just saying that's not necessarily how it might appear.

Original poster
BerryTwister · 13/02/2026 10:23

FullLondonEye · 13/02/2026 10:12

I wonder if you're getting things a bit upside down here. Essentially what you're offering them is sex without promoting a strong emotional bond. You say you accept they most probably can or will have sex anyway because they have plenty of opportunities during the day, but want to prevent your son from from getting into a deeper emotional relationship with this girl. It sounds like you're giving the message that casual sex is fine, sex as part of a committed relationship less so...

@FullLondonEye not at all. I’m not encouraging sex during the day, I’m just being realistic. I’m not so strict that I ban them spending time alone together in his bedroom, because that would seem excessive.

But I feel there is an additional intimacy that comes with spending the night together, seeing each other at their most vulnerable, and having a set of expectations that come with sleeping together. And I don’t think DS is ready for that.

Night times are tricky for DS. He’s a terrible sleeper. In fact, last night, after I started this thread, he came into my room at 1am to say he was too hot, but not hot exactly, just not comfortable, didn’t feel right, wasn’t sure why etc etc. This is a regular thing. He also gets bad migraines, and becomes completely disabled by them, can’t see, gets quite panicky, and is petrified of friends seeing him like that. If he got a migraine in the night (they often come on at about 5am), he’d freak out, and his poor girlfriend wouldn’t know what to do.

I’m trying to tread that fine line between not being so strict that my rules are simply disobeyed, but also using my knowledge and experience to know what is best for my DS.

OP posts:
FullLondonEye · 13/02/2026 10:12

I wonder if you're getting things a bit upside down here. Essentially what you're offering them is sex without promoting a strong emotional bond. You say you accept they most probably can or will have sex anyway because they have plenty of opportunities during the day, but want to prevent your son from from getting into a deeper emotional relationship with this girl. It sounds like you're giving the message that casual sex is fine, sex as part of a committed relationship less so...

Original poster
BerryTwister · 13/02/2026 09:55

CoralOP · 13/02/2026 09:14

Is it just me that chuckled at the 'just cuddling' comments! ...the amount of cuddling I did when I was 'watching tv' in my boyfriends room at 16 and 17 🙈

From the conversations we’ve had I genuinely think they haven’t had sex yet, and for some reason he wants it to be part of an overnight thing, hence him wanting to do that so much. She usually comes here after school one day in the week, and they have the house to themselves until I get home 4 hours later, so there’s ample opportunity to have sex. I’ve accepted that that is likely to happen. I know what I was like at that age.

But overnight still feels more intense and intimate to me. I’ve been with my (non resident) partner for 10 years, and he didn’t stay overnight until about 8 months into the relationship. That was mainly because it wouldn’t have been fair on my kids. They’d met him, he visited regularly, but having him there all night and there in the morning was a level of closeness that the household wasn’t ready for.

Overnight feels like a big step.

OP posts:
xOlive · 13/02/2026 09:49

I’m dreading this stage of parenting because I honestly don’t know what I’d do.
I was never allowed a boyfriend in my bedroom with a door closed but I slept at his and I honestly hated it. Unfamiliar house, all the tip-toeing, weird teenage fumbling and just wanting to run home after 😂

If they’re potentially already having sex, at the very least I’d make sure he fully understands consent above all else. Because if he does sleep at her house, and they’re all ready to go and she then says no and he throws a hissy fit, he could land himself in hot water if her parents overhear it.

Peridoteage · 13/02/2026 09:49

. If they want to have sex they will, somewhere, anywhere: doorways, park benches, in cars, at friend’s homes.

This isn't true? Its perfectly possible to have self control and resist urges. I felt lust when a teen with my boyfriend, but knew it was "not allowed", and had been raised to follow rules. My parents not authorising it definitely delayed me starting sexual relationships and I think that was a positive as it gave me the time to mature emotionally.

Cosyblankets · 13/02/2026 09:38

8 weeks is a very short time. She's already shown signs of controlling behaviour with the amount of attention she's demanding.
Presumably the next step will be her staying at yours. Then if they break up will another girl be along in a few weeks? Where do you draw the line?

Peridoteage · 13/02/2026 09:33

I’m not sure how falling asleep next to someone makes any difference though

It obviously does, which is why moving in together & regularly sharing a bed is a sign of a more serious relationship. It fosters a deeper emotional attachment.

champagnetrial · 13/02/2026 09:33

I think teens do need to have accountability to someone and it's OK for you to say you are not comfortable with that and for them to just have a care (as the writers of olden days might say!)

Also, are you sure the other parents are fine with it? I only ask because we had a similar situation and I said no because of younger siblings in the house. I rang the other parent to discuss and they were really relieved that I had vetoed the sleepover because they hadn't felt confident to say no! (Their child was an only.) I had no problem being the 'not cool' parent in that situation.

Peridoteage · 13/02/2026 09:30

I genuinely believe parental tolerance of this stuff does encourage kids going further at a younger age.

My parents absolutely would not have allowed this until I was uni age (even then there were raised eyebrows when my boyfriend came at Christmas & stayed in my room). I was much more cautious than some peers because i knew it "wasn't allowed" and respected my parents views. This doesn't mean i didn't have boyfriends or explore a bit, but there were boundaries and I didn't cross them.

I don't regret it at all, by the time i was early twenties i was able to see how much more emotionally mature I was and ready for more, i would have regretted if the teen relationships had become more serious.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 13/02/2026 09:22

I’m not sure how falling asleep next to someone makes any difference though. It certainly didn’t to me. I had a curfew at that age and it always made no sense to me that i could be having sex all day long if i wanted but at 11am when I was ready for bed I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep. You say he’s not ready or mature enough but you recognise that they have other opportunities to have sex. So if it’s not about stopping sex what is it about falling asleep next to someone that you feel he’s not mature enough for?

CoralOP · 13/02/2026 09:14

Is it just me that chuckled at the 'just cuddling' comments! ...the amount of cuddling I did when I was 'watching tv' in my boyfriends room at 16 and 17 🙈

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 13/02/2026 09:12

He is never going to learn to navigate the emotional side of relationships well if you are determining when he’s ready for any particular stage for him. And having furtive sex in his bedroom while you’re doing the dinner isn’t going to help either.

You need to talk to him about healthy romantic and sexual relationships. Contraception, yes, but also making sure he really understands consent, that it can be withdrawn any time, that it can be for one act but not another. That the porn he sees is not real life. And that either of them can end the relationship whenever they want to, for whatever reason, and the other has to accept that.

FasterMichelin · 13/02/2026 09:04

They’ll have sex when they want to. It’ll either be in bedrooms, or our in parks, friends houses, cars etc. honestly, it natural.

And he’ll have his heart broken and break hearts along the way too - that’s normal.

It sounds like a good time for you to start talking to him about safe sex and making sure he has access to condoms.

JuliettaCaeser · 13/02/2026 08:59

Berry that’s exactly how we feel. We like the boyfriend he’s devoted they are having sex use contraception they have free reign in her room. But not over nights. It’s too intense.

Uptownfunkywat · 13/02/2026 08:56

I am having a similar dilemma, my dd is 17 next month and I have said she can have her bf to stay in her room then. But it was more because, by then, they would have been together 4 months (only official bf/gf 2 months). He does sleep over now but sleeps in the spare room. I have two older boys and we learnt from the first who had his gf to sleep in his room at 16 after not being together very long, they swiftly broke up and that led to a string of gfs sleeping over who never lasted very long. So with my next DS (a few years younger) we said once he was in a more serious relationship and his gf slept over on what happened to be his 17th bday as by then they had been ‘talking’ then official a fair few months, they actually ended up being together for 2 years so in hindsight I could of let them stay in the same room earlier as he didn’t recreate our older sons dating history.

so I agree with OP it’s not necessarily about age it’s about seeing if the relationship is going to last a bit longer before allowing it so you are not setting a precedent. Obviously once they are off in Uni halls they can jump in and out of bed with whomever they choose at a rate they want to as they are actually adults then. But it is our house at the end of the day and I’ve lost count of the amount of girls my elderst has had stay or practically live here at various points. He’s now finally moved into his own place 🤪

we are all just bumbling along hoping we aren’t messing things up, so i don’t think there is a right or wrong answer

CountryShepherd · 13/02/2026 08:54

DD was in year 12 and for a couple of months I did make his stay in the spare room but that started to seem a bit pointless. I took her to the old fashioned family planning clinic, where she spent an hour with a nurse who made sure she wasn't being coerced and gave her belt and braces about contraception. He is a such a lovely young man and it's been 18 months so far, they seem to have such a tender friendship. She's autistic and quite high maintenance emotionally - he seems to be really supportive but knows when to hold his line appropriately. It's been a very happy time for her. And for him too, I hope!

Throwntothewolves · 13/02/2026 08:49

If you're not OK with it then say no. It doesn't matter what any of the 'cool' parents here think.
Not that you need to justify your decision here, but you're concerned with protecting your son, which is completely reasonable.

Original poster
BerryTwister · 13/02/2026 08:45

Bobbybobbins · 13/02/2026 08:37

I think the 2 months together and stressing is more significant than their ages here tbh. I would be concerned about comments like ‘not paying me enough/too much attention’ - have you spoken about controlling relationships? Not saying that is what is going on but it does sound very intense and I agree that overnights can add to that.

Exactly. It’s very intense and angsty. And I worry about how much more intense and angsty it could be if they spend nights together.

OP posts:
Toomuchprivateinfo · 13/02/2026 08:44

randomchap · 13/02/2026 08:30

Buy him some condoms. Talk about consent and then talk about consent again. They'll be having sex, you may as well just try to ensure it's safe and consensual.

Banning it will just cause him to not talk to you about this sort of stuff. Best to keep communication open so he can turn to you if needs be

So many people conflating no overnights with no sex.
You can still talk about contraception, accept that they’ll probably be doing it anyway and still say no to sleeping over together.

Dapplesun · 13/02/2026 08:43

randomchap · 13/02/2026 08:30

Buy him some condoms. Talk about consent and then talk about consent again. They'll be having sex, you may as well just try to ensure it's safe and consensual.

Banning it will just cause him to not talk to you about this sort of stuff. Best to keep communication open so he can turn to you if needs be

Agree. My DD first had a BF to stay over at 17, we’d had several talks about contraception/consent already. They do have to make their own decisions and mistakes, although it’s SO bloody hard to take a step back and watch.
She is nearly 19 now and her BF stays over most weekends. I’m well aware they’d just sit out in their cars or elsewhere if he couldn’t stay here. We’ve had some ups and downs over the last couple of years, but looking back I’m glad I loosened the reins as she’s learnt a lot about herself, others and life in general. I don’t think I’d have done her any favours long term by controlling every situation. She’s surprised me at how well she has coped with a few situations, hopefully your son will be the same

Original poster
BerryTwister · 13/02/2026 08:41

Rocknrollstar · 13/02/2026 08:33

You can’t make them wait . If they want to have sex they will, somewhere, anywhere: doorways, park benches, in cars, at friend’s homes. What you can do is talk to him about the importance of contraception with every partner he has. He should always use a condom, even if a partner says she is on the pill. One friend said to me ‘she has stolen my baby’. I explained to DS that getting pregnant would affect the girl more than him - in that he could still go off to university - but stressed how would he feel if a baby of his was aborted? Or if she had the baby but didn’t want him involved?

It’s not so much about preventing them having sex full stop. I know that’s not possible, they have plenty of opportunity when I’m at work. I know what teens are like, I understand that. But something about allowing them to sleep overnight together, like an adult couple, feels fundamentally different. I find it hard to describe, which is one of the reasons DS is angry with me and thinks I’m being unfair. As a previous poster said, it’s sets up an expectation between them, a set of unwritten rules, which one or both of them may become uncomfortable with. And I don’t think they have the maturity or emotional intelligence to navigate it.

OP posts:
bettydavieseyes · 13/02/2026 08:39

VivienneDelacroix · 13/02/2026 08:31

I have a different perspective on this. I had a steady boyfriend who I was with from 15-17, we had to sleep in separate rooms when we stayed at each other's houses. (We still had sex but it was in the day when his parents were out). At 17 I got a new boyfriend and his mum allowed us to stay in his bedroom - I hated it. I hated his expectation that we'd have sex every time, I hated his parents knowing we were having sex - I felt pressured and embarrassed. It didn't last long.

This is something I dont think parents always understand. Rules and boundaries protect teens from all kinds of things, its not about 'they will just do it anyway' in my opinion, its about setting a boundary regardless.

Bobbybobbins · 13/02/2026 08:37

I think the 2 months together and stressing is more significant than their ages here tbh. I would be concerned about comments like ‘not paying me enough/too much attention’ - have you spoken about controlling relationships? Not saying that is what is going on but it does sound very intense and I agree that overnights can add to that.

bettydavieseyes · 13/02/2026 08:37

18 and im glad. My eldest daughter started her first relationship at 18 and they are still together at 22. I always said no serious relationships before 16 after exams and no sleepovers until 18. I also would not have allowed a sleepover at 18 had this boy not been a good person. Some of this dialogue wasnt communicated at the time obviously!