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Original poster

Grammar vs independent

89 replies

ssj123 · 12/02/2026 23:50

We are navigating the 11plus journey with our daughter. We have offers from Wimbledon High, Putney High (w scholarship), Surbiton High (w scholarship), LEH (w scholarship) and Guildford High (w scholarship) and we are awaiting results from St Paul's Girls tomorrow. We have already turned down her Kingston Grammar 10plus spot. We are waiting for Tiffin Girls outcome in March but we will have only half a day once we know about Tiffins to decide on other options so we are trying to rule out choices as we go - we are not keen on SPGS, Putney High and LEH seem less appealing now than when we started, Surbiton High was a backup, Guildford High seems best at the moment. But also, we need to have a firm view on the tough choice of independent vs. Grammar. Can someone who had similar options on independent front but went grammar please walk me through their rationale and whether they were happy with the choice in the end? Are we being unreasonable considering grammar in the face of all these options? Thanks!

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/03/2026 12:47

Tigermumhere · 02/03/2026 12:05

have the grammar school results come ?

London/Surrey is after 5pm

Tigermumhere · 02/03/2026 12:05

have the grammar school results come ?

jdsh223 · 02/03/2026 11:59

ssj123 · 01/03/2026 23:14

We would have to drive her to SPGS school bus stop route for a pickup around 7.30am, or she would have to do a roundabout journey by public transport...this is a not a straightforward setup for two working parents...it would limit her ability to be active on campus in clubs too. Feels like a tiring routine indeed

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And most of the sports/music clubs start before school at 7.30am which she’d need to go to if she wants to get involved.

Backpain2026 · 02/03/2026 10:41

You need to wait until you get a Tiffin offer. But it's an excellent academic school so would seem most sensible choice, unless you have thousands floating around

Yoyoflow · 02/03/2026 10:32

I loved reading all your comments, it's absolutely brilliant that your daughter did all these exams and I can relate to how exams are fun. 😂

My daughter did the same, she did Wallington, Tiffins, Henrietta Grammar Schools. And then she did 5-6 independent school exams also and got an offer at Godolphin and Latymer School and waiting list at LEH. She didn't make into St Paul's Girls or Westminster interview rounds but she really enjoyed the whole process of going to these schools.

As a fellow immigrant, I was looking at how many kids these schools send to Oxbridge and numbers aren't that impressive other than St. Paul's Girls and Westminster School. Having said that independent schools probably give you that strange confidence in yourself that state schools unfortunately aren't able to offer. Anyway, your kid is brilliant so she will thrive anywhere.

Waiting for the final email from state schools so we can put a nail in the coffin of 11+ 😂

AreYouBrandNew · 02/03/2026 10:16

Op what is the commute like to Tiffin’s?

if you think your child will thrive there - I’d be swayed to that option.

out of interest why did you turn down KGS?

minipie · 01/03/2026 23:23

I’d go Tiffin based on everything you’ve said, assuming it comes through.

You’re comfortable with the tiger culture, the journey is doable, private will be a stretch financially. Seems a no brainer?

I wouldn’t consider GHS due to most girls living in Guildford or surrounding towns - as you say, nightmare to meet friends at weekends. Also nightmare if there is a train issue. Also forget SPGS with horrible daily travel and cost.

Original poster
ssj123 · 01/03/2026 23:14

jdsh223 · 01/03/2026 09:49

There are many girls at SPGS that commute from very far away and mostly they integrate well socially. However, it must be exhausting for those girls and, in my opinion, it’s one example of the intensity of much of the parent body. The school itself does not pressurise the girls at all, IME all the pressure comes from parents.

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We would have to drive her to SPGS school bus stop route for a pickup around 7.30am, or she would have to do a roundabout journey by public transport...this is a not a straightforward setup for two working parents...it would limit her ability to be active on campus in clubs too. Feels like a tiring routine indeed

OP posts:
Original poster
ssj123 · 01/03/2026 23:12

AreYouBrandNew · 28/02/2026 21:03

op do you have any thoughts on what your daughter’s social life will look like?

Commuting a long way to school could mean being living a long way from peers. Who will she socialise with on weekends/holidays?

Worth thinking about with teenage years approaching alongside all the other considerations

Yes going to offerholders event at GHS opened up my eyes to how far the girls come from - Liphook, Farnham, would be a nightmare to meet with friends over weekends unless they travel more central...

OP posts:
Original poster
ssj123 · 01/03/2026 23:10

metalbottle · 28/02/2026 20:14

Private fees will go up by at least 50% from y7 to y13, maybe more. Can you stick it out when that happens?

yes this is part of the maths as we weigh up between the offers. It does add up to a lot when looking at places like SPGS

OP posts:
jdsh223 · 01/03/2026 09:49

AreYouBrandNew · 28/02/2026 21:03

op do you have any thoughts on what your daughter’s social life will look like?

Commuting a long way to school could mean being living a long way from peers. Who will she socialise with on weekends/holidays?

Worth thinking about with teenage years approaching alongside all the other considerations

There are many girls at SPGS that commute from very far away and mostly they integrate well socially. However, it must be exhausting for those girls and, in my opinion, it’s one example of the intensity of much of the parent body. The school itself does not pressurise the girls at all, IME all the pressure comes from parents.

AreYouBrandNew · 28/02/2026 21:03

op do you have any thoughts on what your daughter’s social life will look like?

Commuting a long way to school could mean being living a long way from peers. Who will she socialise with on weekends/holidays?

Worth thinking about with teenage years approaching alongside all the other considerations

metalbottle · 28/02/2026 20:14

Private fees will go up by at least 50% from y7 to y13, maybe more. Can you stick it out when that happens?

jdsh223 · 28/02/2026 20:12

ssj123 · 15/02/2026 08:13

Thank you for your concern, genuinely agree that this would seem like a lot of academic pressure if you dont know our family. It is hard to explain but both my husband and I come from very humble backgrounds (did not grow up in the UK or Western world) and have reached this place in life on the back of full academic scholarships (including living costs) so, as a family, we have an unusual love for exams - this is the equivalent of a family which loves skiing as a sport for e.g. :D

My daughter knew from the outset SPGS was not a realistic option but she was curious how she would fare and was not daunted by the prospect of failing it. She came out of the experience saying she learnt a lot and enjoyed the exams and experience irrespective of outcome so it was £265 exam fee well spent.

This point on eating disorders, do you have a view on whether it's more prevalent in grammars or privates? We didnt grow up in the UK so this is all new to us. And as an immigrant myself, I can probably be more blunt, we are a bit concerned about her staying in the immigrant bubble at a grammar vs. in a private..

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I agree with this response.

I have first hand experience of SPGS and, honestly, I do not know one girl that has not been tutored there. Make of that what you will.

HanSB · 27/02/2026 15:51

Hi, I have sent you a private message as we are in the same position as you with school offers

nothingtoseehereatall · 24/02/2026 15:05

OP if you are still looking for input, suggest you look up the very recent Tiffin Girls Ofsted report. I have personal experience of SPGS and TGS. I think you are very right that there are a lot of private school parents who seem queasy/ horrified by the mere idea of going state even if said state is academically better that the private ones. Baffles me. (Also, there is NO WAY on god's earth that WH is harder to get into than TGS!)

Original poster
ssj123 · 15/02/2026 08:13

Donttellempike · 14/02/2026 11:09

Why on earth are you getting your child to sit for every exam in SW London? You need to calm down FGS. She is a person not a performing seal.

It you can’t afford private comfortably grammar is the obvious choice. You will know the odds of her getting into Tiffins so that is not a guarantee by any means.

Be aware that many many girls at the super selectives have serious eating disorders. Maybe something to do with the relentless pressure😵‍💫

Show quote history

Thank you for your concern, genuinely agree that this would seem like a lot of academic pressure if you dont know our family. It is hard to explain but both my husband and I come from very humble backgrounds (did not grow up in the UK or Western world) and have reached this place in life on the back of full academic scholarships (including living costs) so, as a family, we have an unusual love for exams - this is the equivalent of a family which loves skiing as a sport for e.g. :D

My daughter knew from the outset SPGS was not a realistic option but she was curious how she would fare and was not daunted by the prospect of failing it. She came out of the experience saying she learnt a lot and enjoyed the exams and experience irrespective of outcome so it was £265 exam fee well spent.

This point on eating disorders, do you have a view on whether it's more prevalent in grammars or privates? We didnt grow up in the UK so this is all new to us. And as an immigrant myself, I can probably be more blunt, we are a bit concerned about her staying in the immigrant bubble at a grammar vs. in a private..

OP posts:
Donttellempike · 14/02/2026 11:09

ssj123 · 14/02/2026 07:31

She now has an offer from St Paul's Girls too, and everyone we know seems smitten by the school and its ranking and is goading us to accept but is it really worth £38k/year? It would be quite a stretch financially especially as we have a second who is similarly capable and would then aim for the same

Show quote history

Why on earth are you getting your child to sit for every exam in SW London? You need to calm down FGS. She is a person not a performing seal.

It you can’t afford private comfortably grammar is the obvious choice. You will know the odds of her getting into Tiffins so that is not a guarantee by any means.

Be aware that many many girls at the super selectives have serious eating disorders. Maybe something to do with the relentless pressure😵‍💫

Original poster
ssj123 · 14/02/2026 10:56

Vivavivavivaviva · 13/02/2026 08:48

You should probably do some sort of matrix / chart to compare the options, and also try to establish what are your priorities. I always find that getting thoughts down on paper when trying to rank options really helps.

Ultimately, it depends upon what you feel the benefits of a private education would be - and whether they would be worth the cost to your family. What scale are the scholarships? Are they eg 25 %, or higher?

For us, as a family (we have 3dc), paying for private school would probably have been impossible for all three (perhaps possible for just 2 of the dc); so accepting a grammar school place for dc1 (and subsequent dc) was definitely the best option for us. It has meant that we have avoided the financial pressure, so now have the funds so that our dc will avoid any student loans at uni, and then we hope to help them further down the line when it comes to contributing to housing deposit - which I doubt we could have done had we stretched massively to do the school fees. We also managed to overpay our mortgage over the last 15 years, so we are now also mortgage-free. Which we couldn’t have done with school fees.

For dc3 (when making the grammar v independent decision), dc3 asked how much it would cost to send them to private school for 7 years, and was absolutely aghast when we said it would be approx £175k. Dc3 then said - actually I’d prefer to have that money to go towards a house, please!

We didn’t have the option of scholarships (very well done to your dc for that!), and your financial circumstances may be completely different to ours.

I have a friend whose dc went to a very selective, independent prep school, and discussing options with them over the years, I was surprised to hear that the majority of all dc at the prep tend to go onto independent secondaries - so it seems to be almost a given that dc would stay in the independent sector.

Thank you for the detailed response. My DD is currently at a prep school so indeed the vast majority of the kids go onto indie schools and therefore it is hard to get a balanced view from fellow parents many of whom feel queasy about their kids going to a state school (a bit ridiculous). Which is why I came on here... could we make it work financially? Yes, if all goes well wrt both of us working FT but it is not a small price tag at all and there will always be tradeoffs. I am frank with my daughter and tell her that going grammar could potentially unlock opportunities for her for university that we would not otherwise consider (eg US universities)... it is hard to fully grasp what my kid misses out by going grammar, obviously independent schools have much more breadth wrt clubs and activities but a child still has the same no of hours in a day and cannot avail of everything. Pastoral care also seems like it can be patchy in private schools despite more resources. A lot of parents seem to say that private educated kids emerge more confident, articulate and self assured.. hmm, could also be correlated to wealth of their families? Tough call!

OP posts:
Vivavivavivaviva · 14/02/2026 10:33

@Snootsnoot @Thelostjewels There is a concept (I suspect from the US?) called ‘Twice exceptional’ (2e) - which essentially describes those who are gifted, but also have autism (i think autism rather than other types of SEN, but not sure without checking).

i suspect it is unusual for girls in this overlapping category to get an autism diagnosis, as I recall that often girls ‘learn’ how to mask a bit more easily than boys can (sorry for the sweeping generalisations). But I do know that girls with autism can present very differently to boys with autism.

Snootsnoot · 14/02/2026 10:21

Thelostjewels · 14/02/2026 07:24

@Snootsnoot sorry to jump in but what you have said has really resonated with me.
My DD is super bright and in the top of her grammar cohort but she has wobbles. Do you think this could be a sign of autism in girls ?
I've wondered if she is she has some sensory sensitivity as well.

It is possible. We had a late diagnosis and it has explained a lot. There is an equal amount of girls as boys with autism but the numbers don't catch up until the 20's, so girls are diagnosed a lot later. The masking is tiring so they often explode at home while being the perfect student. If you have concerns it is worth looking into with a professional.

Original poster
ssj123 · 14/02/2026 07:35

curious79 · 14/02/2026 07:24

  1. At least one or two of those schools are a horrible journey for her, and that in its own right knocks them out of the decision making
  2. what can you afford? Or does that even matter
  3. which one does your daughter like?

They’re all much of a muchness, bar Tiffin which will inevitably have less cash / resources. But will save you cash. If she’s bright she’ll thrive there

Assuming she’s offered all of them, where do you live that getting to Guildford is as convenient as getting to Hammersmith? And trust me it won’t be when there’s a tube strike or south west trains strike.

I feel like your list is a tiger mum trawl of ‘the ‘best’ girls schools’ in the SW London / Surrey area rather than representing any thoughtfulness about what might suit your child

SPGS is the trickiest to get to and we never seriously considered it as a serious option, we only put her through the exam process to see how she would fare. She and I even joked about how we are doing the exam "for fun" as I would be horrified at the 38k price tag and the ridiculous commute. And yes we did go for the most academic options that we could reasonably get to, will not entirely deny the tiger mum label either :) GHS was a late addition to the list because we were surprised at how straightforward the journey was, despite the distance, and right now its ranking no 1 for us amongst private options. So its a decision between Tiffins vs GHS

OP posts:
Original poster
ssj123 · 14/02/2026 07:31

ssj123 · 12/02/2026 23:50

We are navigating the 11plus journey with our daughter. We have offers from Wimbledon High, Putney High (w scholarship), Surbiton High (w scholarship), LEH (w scholarship) and Guildford High (w scholarship) and we are awaiting results from St Paul's Girls tomorrow. We have already turned down her Kingston Grammar 10plus spot. We are waiting for Tiffin Girls outcome in March but we will have only half a day once we know about Tiffins to decide on other options so we are trying to rule out choices as we go - we are not keen on SPGS, Putney High and LEH seem less appealing now than when we started, Surbiton High was a backup, Guildford High seems best at the moment. But also, we need to have a firm view on the tough choice of independent vs. Grammar. Can someone who had similar options on independent front but went grammar please walk me through their rationale and whether they were happy with the choice in the end? Are we being unreasonable considering grammar in the face of all these options? Thanks!

She now has an offer from St Paul's Girls too, and everyone we know seems smitten by the school and its ranking and is goading us to accept but is it really worth £38k/year? It would be quite a stretch financially especially as we have a second who is similarly capable and would then aim for the same

OP posts:
curious79 · 14/02/2026 07:24
  1. At least one or two of those schools are a horrible journey for her, and that in its own right knocks them out of the decision making
  2. what can you afford? Or does that even matter
  3. which one does your daughter like?

They’re all much of a muchness, bar Tiffin which will inevitably have less cash / resources. But will save you cash. If she’s bright she’ll thrive there

Assuming she’s offered all of them, where do you live that getting to Guildford is as convenient as getting to Hammersmith? And trust me it won’t be when there’s a tube strike or south west trains strike.

I feel like your list is a tiger mum trawl of ‘the ‘best’ girls schools’ in the SW London / Surrey area rather than representing any thoughtfulness about what might suit your child

Thelostjewels · 14/02/2026 07:24

@Snootsnoot sorry to jump in but what you have said has really resonated with me.
My DD is super bright and in the top of her grammar cohort but she has wobbles. Do you think this could be a sign of autism in girls ?
I've wondered if she is she has some sensory sensitivity as well.