Step daughter so needy

I was an adult step daughter. I can tell you a bit about what is happening here, and that will also tell you how to act hopefully.

Without coming across as a horrible person, I didn't want or need a step mum (or step girlfriend as was my Dad's partner). I didn't need or want a woman unrelated, unconnected to me trying to play happy families with me and my DH and DC. It's not that she wasn't a nice person, I just didn't want to have a 3rd person in the relationship with me and my dad.

What I wanted was to see him on my own. For him to be a dad to me, which included telling him my darkest secrets and biggest fears, and getting his advice and support. I couldn't do that in front of his girlfriend, as I wasn't comfortable. So, I did resent her when she was there. I was never rude, and I always bought her birthday and Christmas presents but only to appease my dad. I didn't really want anything to do with her.

My point is, she just wants to spend time with your DP, not you. That is the cold hard truth.

Knowing this, my advice to my step mum friends is to take a step back and let them have time alone together, be friendly and welcoming, but that is it, to protect your own sanity. Let them spend time together, but also have boundaries so that you aren't sitting at home alone all the time.

If you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't you need to stop trying.

Tbh you sound way OTT and she has the ick. Dial it back. Sounds like you are trying to "buy" her.

Read the OP

I’d start standing up to her. Call her out on her rudeness each time.

Step right back and do nothing for her. No gifts, loans
, etc.

And your partner is useless. He should have your back, not be scared to say boo to her. So you need to decide what to do there.

But bugger her. Bugger sitting in your own house being ignored by an adult. She’s so rude.

EXCUSE me? Talk about burying the lead.

When your partner was with his last girlfriend he ended up not speaking to his only child, who doesn't even have her mum as another parent to fall back on, for THREE MONTHS?

And you can't see why she would view any girlfriend of his with suspicion, dislike and distain (it's misplaced, of course, as it's really her dad who has done the wrong thing but she'll be desperate to feel secure in his affection)? And you can't see why she's needy and clingy towards him generally? He's created an insecure attachment with his child, and I'd be amazed if that's the only incident that has done it.

She's not your stepchild and, although I'm sure your efforts come from a good place, it comes across that you're essentially love bombing her with a view to shoring up your relationship with your partner. If you're secure in your relatiomship with your partner then just let her be and stop focusing so much in what she thinks of you and what everyone else will think of your relationship with her. You don't have one and may never do, and that's OK.

Who is the needy one? It seems it’s you currently. You don’t get on so just do the minimum. You are her dad’s girlfriend not her mum.

This! If this is your house she wouldn’t be welcome anymore, hell would freeze over before I left her in my house ignoring me. She knows what she’s doing, she is bullying you in plain sight.

I expect it might be helpful to think about your hopes and expectations for the relationship you have with your partner’s daughter.

Your OP suggests you have positioned her as ‘step daughter’ and in doing so, you are carrying beliefs and expectations about what that entails (e.g birthday texts and gifts).

Does your partner’s daughter position you as ‘step mother’. It sounds as if she doesn’t. This aspect alone heralds issues. Then, there is the other factor of how your partner is positioning your relationship with his daughter!

My guess, from what you have said, is that the best outcome for everyone would be for both you and your partner’s daughter to see each other as people who are important to your partner, nothing more and nothing less. You could both rub along by being respectful of each other, but not expecting or wanting any more than that. This could mean just simple greetings, and a bit of chit chat now and again when in the same vicinity. You are encountering each other because of your partner, there is no need for the relationship to be stretched beyond this or for there to be any drama or ill will.

What is needed for this to work is for all 3 of you to be happy with this understanding.

Did the step daughter ask for any of this or is the OP one of the type of person who has some issues going on where they have to do things for people because they are trying to fix themselves?

Stop trying. Stop making yourself available. Stop caring.

You are chasing her. Nobody is forcing you to. & as much as you feel you're being kind - you need to understand that just because you bend over backwards for someone, they don't automatically owe you love or respect. You can't choose their reaction. It's similar to people pleasers being disliked and viewed as manipulative because they clearly have an expectation that they have to be liked, because of the people pleasing acts.

She's a grown woman, leave her to her relationship with her Dad. Stop all this going mad about her birthday etc. They'll be just fine and so will you.

She behaves like a spoilt brat. Your DH needs to have a word with her. Stop doing anything for her you might actually get a response from her. Because that’s what spoilt brats do when they don’t get what they expect. And yes I would walk out when she walks in the door.

She needs to speak to you respectfully in your home. Does your partner not pull her up on this? Have you tried have a direct sharp word with her if your partner doesn't want to rock the boat? You may have to accept that she's never going to be your biggest fan (and feel free to scale back your efforts accordingly) but at 26 she shouldn't be behaving like a brat.

Have I understood correctly that she has her own property but lives with you? If you can get your partner onside I would be giving her an ultimatum that her behaviour changes or she moves out.

She isn’t your stepdaughter, she’s your partner’s adult daughter.

She obviously doesn’t see you as a “stepmother” you’re just her dad’s girlfriend.

I agree she sounds rude and hurtful.

Is the house yours? Or do you and partner both own it?

If the house is yours only then tell your partner she isn’t welcome anymore. If he wants to see his daughter then he needs to make arrangements to see her away from your house. If he objects, then the relationship isn’t worth carrying on.

Match her energy.
Give what she gives.

Start to plan and enjoy more couple time with your partner. Treat each other like you matter to each other.
Then the time he puts ito his father/daughter relationship will not be painful.

Only time and age will change how your step-daughter receives you. But you should always receive her exactly like you would any other female relative - your niece, aunt, cousin or daughter. Be kind, repectful and value your own self worth.

And only your partner should engage in any complaints about her rudeness. For example :
Next time she visits have a very planned response ready.
You answer the door and welcome, your DH steps in front and takes his DD outside, privately and stipulates that it's great to see her but if she is to step inside and visit she is to acknowledge you. There will be no sulky, childish ignoring of his partner. He then asks "How would you like me to ignore your partner?" Meanwhile you are sweetly chatting to her partner and say nothing, know nothing.

Plan with your partner how to specifically have him react to any chronic rudeness. Leave it be if he can not cooperate here.

I wouldn’t bother with the passive aggressive muttering, just carry on with your day - put a laundry in, go and watch an episode of Bridgerton in your bedroom, have a shower…or ‘just popping out to the shop, Keith - nice to see you, Babette’, meet a friend, etc. Just stop being available. Stop buying presents, send your DP to see her on his own, esp. for meals. Don’t do any more favours including lending the car - ‘can I borrow your car?’ ‘No can do, I need it this afternoon’. I suspect your DP will have a word with her when he realises he’s having to do all the heavy lifting now.

Are you a similar age to her OP? It feels like you're trying to be her friend or step mother and are struggling because she doesn't want that. You're her dad's girlfriend. She dosen't owe you anything and she dosen't need to have a relationship with you. It's odd that you're going all out for birthdays as though you're her mother or she's a very young child. She has her own home, I doubt she's looking for that from you. If she's visting then it sounds like she's visiting her Dad. She should be polite but she's not looking to have you be part of her conversations with her Dad. She's entitled to have a relationship and conversations which are free of you. It sounds like it would be best if her Dad met her mostly outside the house. If she comes over then greet her but go off to do her own thing. Don't storm off in a huff because she's there to see him and not you - that's very childish. Leave them to their own relationship. You're not involved.

I wouldn't do any muttering or huffing or storming out. I would just match her behaviour. Give a little wave or a quick hi when she comes round, then get busy with your own stuff in the house or go out and do something you want to do. She doesnt want a relationship with you. Expect nothing from her at all and you wont be disappointed. And be grateful she's an adult already so there's no obligation to try to influence her.
Meanwhile spend plenty of time with friends and family who love you.

Stop putting the effort in with her. She’s 26, not 16. If she’s ungrateful, stop treating her to things she doesn’t deserve. No more birthday presents, leave things like that entirely to her father. No more loaning her your car. Make excuses if you have to. You deserve kindness in return and she’s not giving you that.

She isn't your step daughter so stop trying to pretend she is and just leave them to have their own relationship.

Grow up and stop trying to compete with your boyfriends child

I would suggest that he meets his daughter in a cafe or somewhere, no-one should be forced from their home by an adult brat.

In other words ignore her totally, as she deserves, it will save you a lot of money too.

Other than been an ungrateful brat? She's had help with house move, borrowed a car, lovely birthday and Christmas gifts yet won't demean herslf to say 'thank you', if my daughter behaved like that the generosity tap would be turned off immediately. From reading about step mothers on this site I honestly feel that many step children feel they can treat thei step mother like shit and expect their parent, usually father, to back them up.