Step daughter so needy

Similar situation here. I just mirror DSD now and her approach to me. If she speaks, I speak, if she stops speaking when I enter a room, I stop speaking when she enters a room. She sets the pace and effort and this way I don’t need to worry about how to interact with her. I just mimic her approach. Saves my mental health and saves a lot of self reflection

She's an arsehole. Let's be honest. That is who she is. You don't see it, but she'll be like it elsewhere also.

My ex adult SD (not with her dad anymore) treated me like shoe scrapings. After a while, I gave up trying with her, and it made my life hugely easier. I also gradually found out from people who were mutual contacts that despite her surface pretence of being inclusive, kind, generous etc, that actually she's a bit of a user, and has a very nasty side to her. All stuff I'd seen that was supposedly just a reaction to me in her dad's life is actually something a lot of her friends and acquaintances also have experienced.

No point telling her dad those things of course.

This.☝️
Why even enter a relationship with someone who has a young dependant? I wouldn't be up for anything like this, now or thirty years ago.
All the hard work is there for you, your time and energy given, while you are on second or third place.
No thanks.

Ignore people saying she hasn't done anything wrong - it's called plausible deniability so she doesn't do anything overt that you can call out without looking bad, but she is absolutely sending you a message with her behaviour towards you. She is quietly erasing you and the photos (maybe unconscious on her part but hurtful nonetheless) was the manifestation of that. Things like effort expected versus expect given/who gives way to whom or even who gets to speak are all ways that the message gets through to you - the message being, you're lower down the pecking order and you are not as important.

She isn't your problem though - your partner is. He is allowing her to disrespect you. You can't make him stand up for you but you can point out that you expect him to set a boundary with her and challenge her when she is disrespectful or like in the photo situation, make it clear that he isn't going along with your erasure by inviting you into the photo. (If she wants one of just her and her dad she needs to find a better time to take that). Stop over gifting and over giving though - without announcing it, just dial that right back. Offer a much smaller gift, remain polite and warm. She'll probably act out a bit - not yours to deal with - her feelings are hers to deal with, remain calm and steady. You need to signal to both your partner and his daughter that you won't put up with being sidelined in a social setting and are not up for tasks like helping someone move if they then treat you badly. Good luck.

Reading that back, that probably did come or more brutal and direct than intended. No upset intended, though I stand behind the substance and hope that an outside perspective of the daughter's position might help.

Edited to say that I'm also not condoning the rudeness at all, I'm just surprised that OP hasn't factored in what an to me to be a few obvious things.

Absolutely all of this.

And I'm sure she'll come creeping round once she realises you're no longer willing to pander to her. At the moment she's taking full advantage knowing she can treat you however she wants and you'll still do everything for her.

Also to all of the posters saying that the daughter is doing nothing wrong... Are you serious?!?! If this was my daughter behaving like this with a step-parent (or dad's girlfriend / partner) I would be embarrassed and angry and would tell her to stop being a spoiled and ungrateful brat.

For whatever reason she’s decided she hates you. Maybe she just wants daddy to herself.

She will be enjoying the fact it’s causing distress for you and a rift between you and your dp.

Just don’t let her win. Stop trying so hard! It’s getting you nowhere.

Be nice to the boyfriend - chat to him, make him see you are not the Wicked Stepmother.

When she visits you and dp, settle down in the lounge with a cup of tea and turn the TV on in the background. Don’t let her rattle you. If she doesn’t want to talk to you - fine. If she’s actively unpleasant just say “try to be nice - if not for me then for your dad’s sake, this is our home and it’s not pleasant for him or me when you’re being unkind. I have done nothing to warrant it - if you think I have, then let’s have a talk about that, but otherwise behaving like a moody teenager just reflects badly on you and makes your dad upset.”

You can't fix this, she's rude and doing things that any adult knows are hurtful.

You're pandering to her while complaining about her behaviour so you'd doing the same as her Dad. Step back. Make no effort, enjoy the good parts of your relationship and leave the adult daughter to your partner.

^^ This is brutal but spot on.
OP, it’s very hard being a step-mother. You have centuries of fairytales against you.
I have 4 step-children who were school age when I met their DF. I’ve only ever had cards and gifts from the youngest (who can’t remember me not being in his life); the rest have generally been difficult with me. I wasn’t the OW btw.

Now all are in their 20s and 30s and are at least courteous. But boy has it been a long journey to get to this point. Just like you I tried hard to help us all get along, supported their relationship with their DF, put myself out for them with practical, financial and emotional stuff, included them in everything (sometimes to the annoyance of my own adults DCs) - to no avail. Eventually, I had to step back.

It still feels very alien, but if courteousness is the best I can get, I now accept this. I haven’t bought a present for any of them for years, although I do make suggestions to my DH if he wants ideas. They are always welcome to visit and if we visit them (they live all over the UK) I get DH to check if I am welcome to come too first, and on occasion have taken myself off for a couple of hours if needed to give them time with their Dad.

I took advice from my DCs who basically said the worst part of divorced parents is the sheer inconvenience of having two parental households and acknowledging parents having a proper adult relationship (I.e. a sex life) with their new partners. This isn’t something you have to really think about if your birth parents are still together. And no matter how old you are when your parents split up, there is always a worry that if one parent can stop loving the other, will they stop loving the child. A step-parent isn’t someone the DCs need to be careful of losing so they don’t tend to worry about upsetting them. In fact they are a useful ‘lightning-rod’ for any emotions they can’t express to their parent.

I think it would be best to avoid the passive aggressive muttering, but either say something like "oh, I was just heading out, bye", or have a Very Important Task to do somewhere else in the house. And go read a book /drink tea/eat chocolate in your bedroom...
She is rude, spoilt, and entitled, as created by your DP, but at 26 she isn't going to change. So leave them to it.

Well, huffing about isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to build your relationship with her and discipline is not the way to do that.

Can you ask her to go for a walk together or something and you can both talk about any issues you have? You really need to learn to communicate with each other and find out what's going on her head. Show some willingness to understand her. This is between you and her - not your husband and her.

Stop trying with her.

So today when she ignored you at start just go upstairs and read a book. Dont engage with her. Not worth your energy

I think you are wrong. It was my birthday yesterday and I received loads of cards. Everyone I know still sends them.

No, that would be a ridiculous response! I presume you are not 12.

Tell your partner that you found her attitude towards you incredibly rude so it would be best if he went to her house next time.

Your DP is part of the problem here. He doesn't support you when his DD is being actively rude towards you - is this because previous relationships of his have affected his relationship with his daughter. As others have said - stop doing things for her, don't lend her your car, when it comes to gifts for birthdays - let your DP deal with it. If she won't act like an adult towards you then step back. It won't change until she does.
Speaking from experience with SCs and SGCs - I have different relationships with each of DH's 3 children and deal with them accordingly. DH is now responsible for sorting birthday and christmas gifts - all important dates are recorded on a calendar and it is up to him to get cards/cash/gifts for them. I have a brilliant relationship with his DD but his DS are a totally different kettle of fish.
It has caused friction because whereas once DH and I were in agreement about our estates when we shuffle off now I am actively seeking advice and working on changing my will because DH in his naivety thinks it will all settle down and come right. As @Bonkers1966 says it's better to reform your behaviour so you feel better about it all. At the end of the day you are entitled to be treated with respect.

I agree with this. You are forcing a relationship on her that she doesn’t want.

And why would you walk out muttering while also saying she’s not acting like an adult.

I think you need to sort out in your head what’s reasonable and what’s not.

You haven’t been in their lives that long in the grand scheme of things, she grew up without you. You never had any type of quasi parent relationship with her. Also she clearly doesn’t want one.

Take a step back and stop helping her with stuff. Not only does she clearly not appreciate it, she might well resent it. From her POV she may feel you are using her to get closer to her dad.

She doesn’t have to include you in photos with her dad, or send you birthday texts.

She does have to be polite to you in your own home.

No more making a fuss over her and expecting her to reciprocate.
TBH I would find this needy /forced.

No Mum, then she and Dad didn’t speak for 3 months with his ex. Maybe she is anxious the relationship with her Dad will wane. I’d say she can tell you don’t look forward to seeing her too.

Be nice and polite but when possible leave them to it. Don’t mutter and walk out, just find something else to do.

Don’t do this, you’ll just look petty and lowering yourself. Muttering “do I exist” and walking out is going to solve nothing. When she comes to visit do you all sit around in the living room and she just doesn’t speak to you? Do you speak to her? Is just act normal, insert myself into conversation. Surely her boyfriend and your partner don’t ignore you too. Otherwise Just busy yourself doing jobs but don’t make a thing of it, say hello brightly and offer a cup of tea, then just get on with your day.
I’m curious to know what your partner says about all this though?

Exactly. It’s the OP’s expectations that are causing the resentment here.

I don’t think 26 is too old to get her to show respect in your house. But ultimately it’s him she comes to see and I think it would make your life calmer if you go for a nice walk or find some you time when she’s there otherwise she will drive you insane. Maybe when you back off she will start to realise what she is missing, or maybe her plan is what happened to the last partner. Don’t let her win

Talks to her like shite, never a Birthday card or gift, never a thanks, barely acknowledges her, always want, want, want & me, me, me. You think that's okay?

My taking from this is that she isn't the needy one - you are.

She sounds bad mannered, grabby and entitled but she has everything she needs with minimal effort expected from her . She gets all her material needs and wants met as well lots of time and attention from her partner, her dad and you.

You, OTOH are bending over backwards to be worthy of respect and attention from her and your partner and getting very little back in return.

There's no point in 'correcting' her. She's an adult and not your child or responsibility. You might as well try and correct the behaviour of a stranger in a supermarket. Any necessary corrections need to be done by her parents. This hasn't happened yet so it probably won't happen soon if ever

It sounds like you generally have a good partner so I'd stick with it but remember - the only behaviour you can change is your own.

Stop trying to curry favour by going all out at Christmas and birthdays. Let her Dad make the effort there and with practical help. Concentrate your time, money and effort on your own DC and your elderly parents.

Let her see her dad on her own. Be pleasant and civil to her when your paths cross. Don't let her provoke you into an argument.

Don't criticise her to her dad. His first loyalty should be to his daughter so any criticisms of her (and therefore his parenting) could drive a wedge between you. That might be what she wants. Don't make him feel the need to defend her. If he criticises her or expresses doubts about her behaviour, agree mildly 'Yes, That was a bit rude/over the top or whatever' and move the conversation on.

If she learns she can't 'win' or score points by being rude or trying to cut you out she might stop trying. 26 is very young. She has plenty of time to mature. I was an arrogant brat at that age but 40 years later I'm a delight!

It sounds like she's done a little research on MN and believes, like so many on here, that it's OK to be rude to anyone who dares to be in a relationship with her father.

Unfortunately, she sounds like she feels justified so there's nothing you can do, just pretend she's a friend of his that you don't like and try not to be around too much when she's there.

Don't 'mutter' anything under your breath though - that's immature and annoying whoever you're doing it to.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s upset you.

next time she comes just leave the room or sit and scroll on your phone.