If it's ok, we'll all come

I'll never understand these people who can't just let their children go to a party without turning it into a family affair.

I always said "Yep, it's open to the public so you should be able to pay for Uninvited Child at the door." And I would stay at the entrance to give out the armbands/stickers to invited children.

You have to be a bit ballsy but friendly. When the time comes for the party room, just make sure they don't try to push her in. Say "oh I'll take Invited Child so you can stay here with Uninvited Child" then walk away. It's the only way. Some people treat parties like the social events of the year, you have to nip this stuff in the bud!

Just say that you are pretty sure you can pay on the door for siblings and cafe does food, but maybe say if someone doesn’t turn up on the day she is welcome to eat their food. That way you’re making it clear she can come, but she’s not part of the party. Not sure why one parent can’t stay home though, rather than all go. I’d probably take an extra party bag for her, but no obligation.

Whos going to watch the little one on the soft play? Hopefully they're not expecting a bit of free childcare

I would say oh yes, I'm sure you'll be able to pay on the door. I'll make up an extra party bag so that they don't feel left out.

Drives me nuts. Had it happen a few times but the worst culprit was when we hired a venue with a set number of kids. Invited friend and their younger sibling due to sibling always wanting to be friends. Younger sibling spent most of the party crying (attention seeking) wanting to go home. Eventually I called parent to collect. As soon as parent arrived (furious), they didn't want to go home.
The next year, booked an activity party (private party venue so fixed numbers again) and did not invite sibling. At school, the mum came up to me to ask where siblings invite was. I explained fixed numbers so no can do. On the day, Mum called me to say she had parked but wasn't sure where the party was. I popped to meet her thinking I could take the child to the venue. Nope, Mum, Dad, invited child and sibling all have to traipse to venue to 'have a look'. Then Mum asked how many people the venue could hold for the activities, had I booked the maximum etc, all whilst uninvited child stood there with wobbling bottom lip.
Turned out this was standard MO. Most people gave in and let sibling stay apparently, even though they pulled the whole 'I want to go home' stunt every time. Also happened at soft play with Mum, Dad and two extra siblings who wanted to stay in the party room the whole time (and were trying to eat the food whilst it was being set out) and then asked where the extra kids party bags were at the end.

She is a CF er bringing the extra kid.

Why do parents do this ? Are they not able to tell their darlings that they're not actually invited to the party ? Just let the sibling go to the party and everyone else in the family do something else. It's not hard.

Yes id say this, we have in the past thrown parties where 6...yes 6! Siblings tagged along and expected to be part of the party and be fed too . I think its really rude to assume when 1 child has been invited that older siblings can come too but people seem.to.think thats normal?

Is there food included in the party package? If so, I'd also make it clear that the extra child cannot enter the party room due to numbers. So "of course, you can pay in at the door for your other dc but please be aware unfortunately she won't be able to enter the party room as they are very strict about numbers".

I did a soft play + food package once, and I knew that some parents were bringing siblings that they would pay for. I said on the invitation that the party room was only for party children as it was prepaid by the number of attendees, so unfortunately siblings could not enter. Well, three families planted extra siblings at the party tables and started feeding them before I'd even noticed. One of them even had the audacity to tell the caterers that the child didn't like pizza, so to bring chips instead (on my bill!). The other party children then started asking for chips too. There wasn't enough pizza for the party children and the venue charged a ridiculous amount for the extra. I was RAGING and vowed to do drop and run parties only in future.

Ive been in this situ...my ND ass just calls and books extra tickets to avoid confrontation/dsappointing anyone.

I am doormat though, and people being angry scares me.

Nobody is normal love and if parents are trying to get freebies just explain you can only afford tickets for your child's friehds and if they want other children to come they have to pay

Just message her back to say that's okay but they should be aware that there is only food and party bags for the children who have been invited so can she manage expectations with those that weren't included in the invite?

I agree with you. This drives me mad. There’s a family at school like this. The whole family shows up to everything, dad chomps his way through party food. It is not a family day out.

OP, the mum showed very poor etiquette by not making clear she would pay for the sibling. You are well within your rights replying along the lines of the suggestions here, making clear that party is for x number of people and she can pay for sibling.

Just say that's fine, but I only block booked tickets for the invited children. And it might be a bit rough for the little one if she wants to get her own ticket and join in.

Yes, that’s a good reply and solution

I don’t agree with this response.

I really dont think the other mum did expect a free ticket but - if she did - she is the stingy/rude one. Would you ever invite yourself or a family member to an event and expect to be paid for? Are you suggesting OP should? I dont know anyone who would consider this good manners.

OP is asking for help and clarity and your comments about what an ND mum would do and them appearing “weird and stingy” are not kind or polite and just seem designed to cause self-doubt.

Yanbu.
Many other parents face this.

You just clarify that "yes that is fine, you can pay for her sibling at the door".

Hope it is a lovely party.

One extra might not make that much of a difference but everyone bringing one or more siblings and an extra parent absolutely would - the parent doesn't know they're the only one who has asked! For all they know every other guest will do the same (and some won't even ask and will just rock up with the whole family in tow!)

The venue will have h&s codes - it will have allocated approx 20 spaces to the party and know it can therefore let in x additional paying people. If 40 people are at ops party that's not something they were planning for. Not to mention the venue will expect op to pay for all the extra kids!

Same with op buying food and a cake that will feed 10 kids, not 20. She might have one spare party bag but she won't have made 10 extra. And of course it's not fair on dd to go from a party with her closest friends to a party where she doesn't even know half the guests, many of which are much younger children she has to be careful around, or who start crying randomly/throwing tantrums.

It would be better of the mum to explain exactly what she meant "thanks for the invite, I will bring dd. Just to let you know dh will probably come along and pay for dd2 to use the soft play too, but we will keep her away from the party!"

That way if op wanted to she could say "oh don't worry about it, we have space for dd2 too" but otherwise could just reply "great! Thanks!" (and can still give the younger dd a slice of cake or something if there was food left over, or let her in if someone dropped out last minute).

This always used to happen when ds was small. I just used to say “yes it’s fine, it’s £££ for general entry but check the website for food orders info if you want to buy yourselves and sibling food”.

If you’re autistic you won’t necessarily know that this is tricky for everyone. If you find navigating social norms tricky and everyone else seems to find it ok then naturally as an autistic person you will question yourself and maybe assume other people know the secret code for this particular social situation.

Your post is very dismissive the OP’s lived experience as an autistic woman. If it’s tricky for everyone it’s probably even trickier for someone with ASD.

I hate this, why can't one of the parents look after the other kid. There's always families who turn up en masse, who likes soft play that much?!

Quick text to say "great, you'll need to pay for little DC and extra adult at the door or online and the party room is just for the kids from the class, thanks". I don't provide food or extra party bags for siblings, that's up for the parents to manage not me.

people are annoying when this happens, I always said x will love to come, sibling is coming too but we’ll pay for them at the door and sort their food etc of course

I’d just say, yes of course, it’s open to everyone. Some others are bringing siblings too, so just pay at the door. The party room itself is only set up for the 15 invitees, so if you can provide snacks etc for sibling

”of course that’s fine, party place is still open to the public whilst the party is happening so you can just pay on the door” I never paid for extra siblings but if there was extra cake leftover, I’d hand over a piece to them at the end. Just be bright and breezy about saying it, it’s totally normal!